Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Blurred Blue

I remember when I was a little girl, I was toddling around the pool. I had a toy broom with me, and was dipping it in the water and drawing designs on the deck as if the broom were a paintbrush. All of a sudden, I fell in. I couldn't swim at the time, so I sank. I have a kinesthetic memory of looking up and seeing the blue water and the backyard blurred by the surface. One of my sisters dove in and pulled me out. I was lucky. I grew up in a big house with lots of people swirling around all the time.

The other night I was sitting in my room by myself. All the brouhaha about the supposed Rapture on May 21st may have been silly, but you have to admit it got you thinking. What would we do if the world ended? Or in a massive disaster? If the world ended right now, I'd be all alone. I would sink, seeing the world above blurred by chaos and destruction. But I would keep sinking; there would be no one to pull me out. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a solitary creature, yes...I don't mind being by myself most of the time. But if the world ended right now, I don't want to be alone. I'd want someone with me to be scared with, to die with.

Moving On

I went to meet with my advisor today, and we finally settled on a graduation plan that is doable. It looks like, if all goes well, I'll be graduating Fall '13. Which is only a semester after I was supposed to graduate. Not too shabby. She couldn't answer one of my biggest questions, though, which is how to make up the two semesters of seminar classes I'm missing. We have seminar classes for each year, so they're year-long courses, and they're all held at the same time during the day so you can't take more than one seminar class at a time. I'm missing the spring semesters of both 2nd and 3rd year seminar, and I'm worried about how to make them up. My advisor said independent studies might be a possibility? I have to email the head curriculum specialist for the School of Dance and ask her. Even though that part is a little up in the air, I'm pretty pleased with the plan. I just hope I can handle school again. This is going to be the make-or-break semester...if it doesn't go well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop out and move on with my life.

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I'm hoping to move into my own apartment this year. Preferably this summer; I just have to talk to my roommate and see if he wants more time to find another person to move into my room (I haven't mentioned this to him yet since it's still up in the air). I'm not moving because there's anything wrong with my current roommate situation. It's actually a perfect set up: a big house and a roommate who understands that I like to keep to myself most of the time. Nothing wrong with the situation at all. I'm just at a point where I want to live by myself for a bit. And I want to take advantage of that now before I move somewhere like New York in a few years and will have to have roommates again. Plus Ragnar doesn't get along too well with one of the kitties, and I'm worried he'll get really mad one day and it'll end badly. So I just need to try living by myself (well, with Ragnar) for awhile.

I went and checked out the complex I'm thinking of moving to, and it's basically amazing. The woman I met with and took a tour with was really nice and gave me a lot of good information. And the apartments are A-DOR-A-BLE. A perfect space for me and the kitty. The only drawback is that it's a little pricey compared to my current rent, but I think it's actually pretty standard for good, non-roach infested apartments. Plus I really lucked out with the rent I'm paying now; I doubt many places are this inexpensive to live in! I've been researching complexes since I first moved to Phoenix (even then I wanted to live on my own), and the conclusion I've drawn from reading reviews online is that if you move to a complex with super-cheap rent, you kind of get what you pay for. So I'm hoping that A) my parents will be willing to co-sign the lease with me and B) that I get a job before the end of the summer so I can start paying rent on my own. I really want this to happen! And I think it will be good for me to have a space that's mine.

Showsick/Homesick

I went to see Man of La Mancha at Mesa Encore Theatre tonight, and WOW did it make me miss the production of it that I was in two years ago. (Two years ago, seriously?) I was going to say that I feel "showsick" for it, but the term "homesick" is actually more accurate. There was something about that cast and that production that felt like home. I want to go back to that time, do it all over again, and just stay there.

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"

--Man of La Mancha

Inspiration Boards: Pink Hair #2

BAM.

 More pretty pink goodness. 

I still desperately want pink hair. I'm temporarily at a stalemate, though, because I can't really afford to get it done at my usual salon right now. Nor do I trust the ability to do it myself...I have very limited beauty skills. So I'll just stick with inspiration board-ing. For now, anyway.

Now let's just take a moment and raise a glass to Gwen Stefani, who definitely perpetuated my pink hair obsession when I was in middle school. She rocks. And I loveloveLOVE this song and video. So much. (I found the following lovely photo montage HERE. I actually remembered a source for once!)

Sighhhh. So pretty.

---

Note on Sources: As mentioned in my last inspiration board post, I rarely keep track of where I find each of these lovely images. I do know that they usually come from Google searches or various Tumblrs including Fuck Yeah Pink and Sex Hair. I know I got that the photo directly below Gwen Stefani came from a post on A Day In My Life from a lonnnng time ago, but I don't have the exact URL. Feel free to contact me if any of these images are yours, and I will credit you or take it down.

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.

Inspiration Boards: Pink Hair #1

I couldn't be happier that this stupid week is over. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to think about cheerier topics.

Like pink hair.

I am absolutely ob-SESSED with pink hair, and always have been. I have no idea what sparked this obsession, but I lovelovelove it. Putting a little magenta in my hair a few months ago made my heart go pitter-pat.

Now I'm dying (DYE-ing? Heh heh...) to go all-out for realsies this time, and bleach my hair so I can dye it bright pink (and maybe try other crazy colors like blue and purple, for shits and giggles). I've always wanted to try this, but haven't done so for a myriad of reasons. The main one being that I actually love my natural hair color and think it's a really pretty shade of brown; I'm worried that bleaching/dying it this much might mess up that pretty natural color forever even after the dye fades out. The other main reason is that I know how much work goes into maintaining the color. I think faded color looks so gross, and I'm not sure I have the energy to re-dye it every couple of weeks. So right now, I'm interested in maybe dying my whole head the same dark magenta color that I used to highlight it a few months ago. That way, I'll still have a head of pink hair without having to bleach first. Stepping stones, y'know.

In addition to daydreaming about dying my hair, I also ravenously collect pictures of awesome pink hair. (And other fabulous colors.) I have an entire file on my computer devoted to all the nifty photos I've found, and today I decided to pluck out a few and make a digital inspiration board. (The first of many boards to come, as this is like an eighth of my entire collection.) I'm kind of a dummy in that I don't keep track of each photo's source when I save it...but chances are, most of these came from Google searches, Fuck Yeah Pink or Sex Hair. No copyright infringement is intended. If anyone stumbles upon this post and sees a photo that belongs to you, LET ME KNOW and I will either remove your photo or credit you!

Alright, enough lollygagging. ONTO PRETTY PINK GOODNESS.

Zzzzz....

I'm at the Valley Sleep Clinic waiting to get all wired up for my sleep study. I really, really, really hope they find SOMETHING. Because this is so damned frustrating. After awhile, getting so many inconclusive test results honestly makes me feel like this might all be in my head. I want whatever this is to GET OUT OF MY BODY OR KILL ME. I'm so exhausted.

But I still have to face the hours, don't I?

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself, 'So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more.' It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."
--The Hours

Crossroads

I still have writing from the airport and airplane that I intend on sharing soon. But right now, I need to let you know some things. First of all, I am so sorry if this scares you. Or if I've scared you. I have been in the position where I've feared for a friend's life, and it's awful. It's not my intention to put that on any of you. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, and I'm so sorry that I can't snap out of this for you all. After writing down some very scary memories and thoughts tonight (which I'm not sure if I want to post yet), and thinking about some other things that I can't get out of my head, I started crying and shaking. Uncontrollably. So much so that I ended up vomiting.

I've decided not to go to class tomorrow--well, today. I am going to take care of some things, drive Derek to the airport, talk to my therapist and parents. I think that I may have to be hospitalized. And soon. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months, and tonight I feel I've reached a point where I could potentially be a danger to myself if drastic steps are not taken. Please know that nothing will happen to me tonight. I'm sure of it. But I know that I can't make it through another night like this. So I intend on getting more help.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything.

Sweet Girl

Finally saw this last night. SO good, SO creepy. And not your grandmammy's dance movie, that's for sure. Beautiful dancing and nasty risk-taking.

Going to the doctor this morning, hoping to be more vigilant about whatever is causing me to sleep so much (and never feel fully awake when I'm not sleeping). If my doctor rules out sleep disorders and autoimmune diseases like lupus, I know what my next step is.

On the same page all along.

I hope to go into a little more detail later, because there's so much to explain.

But basically, Steve and I broke up last night.

While he was the one to initiate the conversation, it was definitely a mutual decision. And an amicable one. As far as break-ups go, I'm so thankful that ours was relatively smooth (for lack of better words). It wasn't messy or bitter or mean. Very painful and very sad, yes. But not messy. And I think we were more open with each other than we've ever been. The fact is that the core of our relationship is spending time together, and the distance just grew to be too much. But we love each other and care about each other very much; we still want to be in each others lives, be there for each other, and remain close friends. But we just can't be together. I know everyone says that they want to remain friends as a futile way to make it all sting less. But that's not how this is. I believe that we really will be friends. I have absolutely no idea how to do that after being romantically involved for over two years, but I know I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

That doesn't mean I'm not sad, though. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I'm very sad right now. And I wish things could have been different. I'm feeling a million things at once which is why I can really only give headlines right now until I process everything. The only expression that sums all this up right now is I don't know which way is up. Which made me remember exactly how I felt the day I dropped him off at the airport. I realized that the last thing I wrote on that day still applies now, just in a radically different context:

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.


So ready for some sad bastard movies now.

The meek shall inherit the Earth!

One of the movies I've been looking forward to seeing this season is Morning Glory. I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as the trailer made it out to be, but OHMAGOD. I'm overjoyed to report that it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. It was hysterical and attention-grabbing and inspiring. I am officially obsessed with Rachel McAdams' character, Becky. She's my new hero. While she's ambitious and hard-working, she's also sort of meek and scattered and awkward. But manages to completely kick ass. She keeps people in line and commands respect, but not in a way that's expected...in that she's in charge but still meek and awkward at the same time. Which is pretty much exactly how I want to be. I honestly liked the movie so much that I almost saw it AGAIN after I got back to Mesa tonight. But ended up feeling pretty worn out from not sleeping well last night and dealing with complete a-holes on the freeway. Plus I desperately wanted to spend some quality time with my kitty. :) So maybe I'll see it again tomorrow instead! (Ooh, and as an added bonus, Patrick Wilson is only a tiny part of the movie. Which is delightful because I CAN'T STAND HIM.)

Being in Tucson for Thanksgiving was nice, but I'm really happy to be back here. It was so great to see my family, especially siblings I hadn't seen in awhile! (Even though I was stupidly antisocial and kind of felt like a deadbeat family member sometimes.) Ooh, and I went through my bookshelves and plucked out a whole bunch of books that I'd bought years ago but either never got around to reading or just gave up on them halfway through. I've been ravenously devouring books recently, and I'm excited to dive into all these. But despite all that, I'm so happy to be back in Mesa. I missed my big bed, the kitties, fast internet, midnight bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and...I don't know, just being HERE. With all my familiar things. And with FREEWAYS. I can't remember how I used to function without freeways. As much as I love Tucson, there's just no way I'd ever be able to move back. Even visits longer than two days feel like moving backward. And I really just want to move forward now.

Anticlimax and "Fiction" Reading

Sweet Charity closed yesterday. It's always bizarre closing on a matinee. Matinee performances almost always have mellower crowds, which is just weird energy to end a show on. In my experience with Phoenix community theater thus far, the second-to-last performance is always the best one...and I usually prefer to remember those performances as the "last" ones. I remember doing Man of La Mancha at exactly this time last year, and I remember our second-to-last show being electrifying. The house was completely sold out, I had tears streaming down my face during the finale (so good for high notes), and we got a standing ovation. Then the closing matinee the next day was...fine.

It was the same with Sweet Charity. Saturday night's performance was hands down our best of the run, despite some minor mess-ups. We had a big, responsive, energetic audience that was FULL of people I knew. Some I already knew were coming--Kay and her brother Paul who came up from T-Town (yayyyyy!), Marissa and Steve--and some I had no idea were coming and was so overjoyed to see! The incredible Felicia who was one of my Harlem dancers in Ragtime who I haven't seen in far too long, Jeff who played Tateh in Ragtime, Michael Stewart who I saw in World Goes 'Round last year at Desert Foothills but didn't officially meet in person until last weekend at the City of Angels cast party, and the wonderful Cat who was in Kiss Me Kate with me last year who came with her sweet husband Josh (they're such a great couple). I think that's everyone? It was just a blur of awesomeness so I may have forgotten some people. It was a great night. Annnnd then the closing matinee. My DST friends Chris and Jennifer came and it was so great to see them, but it was a pretty small crowd (Easter Sunday) and not our best performance. IT'S ALL JUST SO ANTICLIMACTIC.

After gathering all my stuff, saying goodbyes/see you laters (another anticlimactic part) and discovering that the restaurant I wanted to go to was closed for Easter, I grabbed Panda Express and went home. After I washed my face, ate, internetted, and watched some West Wing (DAMN that "18th & Potomac" episode!), all the post-show adrenaline had worn off completely and I was EXHAUSTED. Even the glorious new Star Wars review couldn't keep me awake! I watched one part, then ended up falling asleep. AT NINE O'CLOCK. I'm NEVER able to fall asleep at nine!

I woke up this morning at 4 AM, inexplicably craving pasta like mad, and couldn't go back to sleep. So I went through 63 pages of updates on my Tumblr dashboard--that's what happens when you neglect Tumblr for a few days--and watched some Gilmore Girls and started reading blogs.

There's this girl I was vaguely acquainted with in middle school and high school named Gina. I knew her because she was part of the musical theater crowd and I filled her soprano spot in the girl's quartet I sang with. Now she's a military wife, personal trainer, nutritional advisor and raw food chef who I recently discovered writes a prolific blog called The Fitnessista. I've been reading it a lot lately. Even if her writing is full of silly slang/substitute words (please don't ever call a banana a "nanner" around me), emoticons and Spanglish, it's still an enjoyable and fascinating read, and she really knows what she's talking about. I find it fascinating because I do NOT know how this girl has the energy for her lifestyle. She works out every day in addition to teaching group fitness classes and personal training appointments, and eats raw/vegan meals and snacks until dinnertime. The amount of effort that goes into that kind of diet just staggers me. I don't even know what the hell she's talking about half the time. Maca seeds? Millet croutons? Chia seeds? Shallor? Good GOD. Even if I wanted to take on a raw diet, I don't know what any of this IS let alone where to buy it or how to pronounce it.

I do wish I could cook, though. Or rather, have the patience and energy to cook. I also wish I could be as active as Gina is. She has all these fitness plans on her blog, and I was like "Oooh, I want to try!" ...and then I stopped reading halfway through because I knew there was no way I'd ever be able to do all that. These gym people fascinate me. Which is the reason I've been oddly addicted to her blog recently. I read blogs like this almost as if they're fiction, because I feel like a lifestyle like that is so impossible. That's really the only way I can describe it. And this is all similar to my weird addiction to reading The Pioneer Woman or various cupcake blogs for hours on end, as if I'd ever be capable of cooking like that. Even the easy recipes feel too hard and time consuming. Plus I have no idea how to dice garlic cloves or whatever the hell she does. So until my Fairy Godmother knocks me on the head with her magic wand and bestows some magical cooking/gym-going power on me, I live vicariously through these crazy blogs and wonder how they do it all.