Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? I don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

Triptych: Apprehensively Determined

I) I don't understand how my classmates at ASU make it look so easy. I know one girl who does so much that she must run on an hour of sleep per night. Another girl somehow effortlessly double-majors and still finds time to stage manage. Another girl churns out these eccentric performance pieces, one after the other, like it's nothing. How exactly to they do it? And why is it so difficult for me? Do they struggle, or is it really that doable for them? I honestly have no idea how they do it all.

II) I've hit a point where everything has to be black and white. It can either be all good or all bad--I can't take the normal ups and downs anymore. I don't have the strength or desire to swim through shades of gray. At least when it's black or white, I have some idea of how to deal with it; how to live.

III) I was listening to West Side Story yesterday, and something just clicked in my brain. It's one of those shows that I'm not sure I could choreograph well because it's SO iconic that it feels like there's not much room for originality. Maybe even more iconic than Fosse shows. Most people just re-create each number from the movie. I'm going to change all that. I'm actually seeing movement sequences in my head, and feel like I'll be able to utilize the same mindset I used during Sweet Charity: maintaining the aesthetic and integrity of the original movement, but still choreographing it in my own style. I'm going to choreograph West Side Story. I'm thinking of gathering my dancer friends together, teach them some of the sequences that I'm seeing in my head for the show (and for Hairspray, too), burn it onto a DVD and send it to Mesa Encore Theatre. This is so happening.

The Night Before

My Phoenix Theatre audition appointment is tomorrow at 2. My resumes and headshots are printed and stapled, audition forms filled out, audition songs and monologue all practiced. But I'm actually thinking of cancelling. For some reason, my heart isn't in it. And I don't feel 100% ready, particularly with my monologue. I was originally going to do this great piece from Talk Radio, but it ended up being WAY too long. So the other day I switched over to Ilse's monologue from the Franz Wedekind Spring's Awakening (in the musical version, it's where she's talking to Moritz about her crazy life). I have it memorized and everything, but I'm worried about the last minute switch and don't feel ready to perform it. Plus, I really need to focus on school this fall and getting performance credit (meaning I need to actually audition for pieces and be more involved on campus instead of only doing theater). It's really difficult to do school full-time and rehearse a show at the same time.

Gahhhh I don't know.

I just don't feel ready and don't feel that into it. I'm only interested in doing Gypsy next season, anyway, and auditioning for one show doesn't really feel worth the stress and nerves. My printer has been on the fritz all week, too, and printing everything out was like pulling teeth. Maybe that's a sign. Bleh. I don't know. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.

Done (?)

I was just reading over some older LiveJournal entries from my first semester at the U of A. It made me realize just how much school and I aren't really working out. I think I need to be done with it for awhile, and do something else. Or just take more time off until I figure out an academic plan that I can realistically follow through with. But honestly, I think I need to give up on it for now. I adore my classmates so much, and wish I could finish this journey with them. But I can't. It's only making me miserable, and it's done nothing but make me miserable in the past. I think I'm done.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
--The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

Things

GOOD:

• Spent a couple hours with my family in Tucson yesterday to celebrate my Adoption Day (which is actually the 15th, but I'll be out of town). Played Scrabble and my Mom sent me back with a pumpkin pie. Om nom nom. She also got me a Disney Princess greeting card that plays "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." 'Cause I'm five years old, for real.
• Went shopping at Old Navy today because I desperately needed some new jeans. Turns out they were still having massive clearance sales, and I ended up getting a quite few pairs of jeans at deliciously low prices. Including a pair of skinny jeans! And they all look really good on me, which rarely happens. Scorrrre.
• My Dad called earlier to ask me to send him some ASU tuition statements for tax stuff. The conversation wasn't all strained and awkward and felt a little more natural. I hope things will continue to get a little better between us.
• My doctors appointment the other day went pretty well. He took a billion vials of blood to run a bunch of different tests on and ordered a sleep study, which I'll probably do in the next few weeks. Anxiously awaiting results.
• Derek is coming to visit AZ tomorrow! I haven't seen him in at least a year so I'm excited to catch up.

CRAPPY:

• I'm exhausted and scary depressed ALL. THE. TIME. I was so tired the other night that I barely remember being at Marissa's epic Harry Potter birthday party. The one thing I do remember is being so tired that I had trouble talking to people because I couldn't think of the right words to use. Later in the evening, I went into my room to check something on my laptop, dozed off, and drifted awake at like 6 AM. My life.
• My hair is ridiculous. Every time I've washed it since getting it cut, it just turns out greasy and disgusting. I try to only use a tiny bit of shampoo/conditioner, but still can't wash all of it out. Or something. It's driving me insane. I'm also pulling large clumps out of it. Awesome.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL:

• Going to New York on Thursday to visit Steve. I feel like I really need to see him to get some closure, so I can figure out how to be friends. But I guess I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. I really just have no idea how to do this.
• School starts next week, and I don't know if I can actually handle it. I'm scared. And don't feel at all rested or refreshed from Winter Break, just more exhausted.

Sweet Girl

Finally saw this last night. SO good, SO creepy. And not your grandmammy's dance movie, that's for sure. Beautiful dancing and nasty risk-taking.

Going to the doctor this morning, hoping to be more vigilant about whatever is causing me to sleep so much (and never feel fully awake when I'm not sleeping). If my doctor rules out sleep disorders and autoimmune diseases like lupus, I know what my next step is.

On the same page all along.

I hope to go into a little more detail later, because there's so much to explain.

But basically, Steve and I broke up last night.

While he was the one to initiate the conversation, it was definitely a mutual decision. And an amicable one. As far as break-ups go, I'm so thankful that ours was relatively smooth (for lack of better words). It wasn't messy or bitter or mean. Very painful and very sad, yes. But not messy. And I think we were more open with each other than we've ever been. The fact is that the core of our relationship is spending time together, and the distance just grew to be too much. But we love each other and care about each other very much; we still want to be in each others lives, be there for each other, and remain close friends. But we just can't be together. I know everyone says that they want to remain friends as a futile way to make it all sting less. But that's not how this is. I believe that we really will be friends. I have absolutely no idea how to do that after being romantically involved for over two years, but I know I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

That doesn't mean I'm not sad, though. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I'm very sad right now. And I wish things could have been different. I'm feeling a million things at once which is why I can really only give headlines right now until I process everything. The only expression that sums all this up right now is I don't know which way is up. Which made me remember exactly how I felt the day I dropped him off at the airport. I realized that the last thing I wrote on that day still applies now, just in a radically different context:

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.


So ready for some sad bastard movies now.

The meek shall inherit the Earth!

One of the movies I've been looking forward to seeing this season is Morning Glory. I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as the trailer made it out to be, but OHMAGOD. I'm overjoyed to report that it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. It was hysterical and attention-grabbing and inspiring. I am officially obsessed with Rachel McAdams' character, Becky. She's my new hero. While she's ambitious and hard-working, she's also sort of meek and scattered and awkward. But manages to completely kick ass. She keeps people in line and commands respect, but not in a way that's expected...in that she's in charge but still meek and awkward at the same time. Which is pretty much exactly how I want to be. I honestly liked the movie so much that I almost saw it AGAIN after I got back to Mesa tonight. But ended up feeling pretty worn out from not sleeping well last night and dealing with complete a-holes on the freeway. Plus I desperately wanted to spend some quality time with my kitty. :) So maybe I'll see it again tomorrow instead! (Ooh, and as an added bonus, Patrick Wilson is only a tiny part of the movie. Which is delightful because I CAN'T STAND HIM.)

Being in Tucson for Thanksgiving was nice, but I'm really happy to be back here. It was so great to see my family, especially siblings I hadn't seen in awhile! (Even though I was stupidly antisocial and kind of felt like a deadbeat family member sometimes.) Ooh, and I went through my bookshelves and plucked out a whole bunch of books that I'd bought years ago but either never got around to reading or just gave up on them halfway through. I've been ravenously devouring books recently, and I'm excited to dive into all these. But despite all that, I'm so happy to be back in Mesa. I missed my big bed, the kitties, fast internet, midnight bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and...I don't know, just being HERE. With all my familiar things. And with FREEWAYS. I can't remember how I used to function without freeways. As much as I love Tucson, there's just no way I'd ever be able to move back. Even visits longer than two days feel like moving backward. And I really just want to move forward now.

Sad and Happy.

(I actually wrote this earrrly this morning--Steve's flight was at 7:00 AM--but I didn't really have the energy to post it anywhere but my LiveJournal.)

I just dropped Steve off at the airport...

And after all the hell I put myself through trying to wrap my mind around the idea of breaking up, we actually decided to stay together and try the long distance thing. I honestly have no idea where things will go, particularly because I don't have plans to move anytime soon (nor am I sure I'll ultimately end up in NYC; I'm interested in a few other cities). But breaking up just didn't feel right at all. We both felt like this isn't the end. And even though it's going to be difficult and neither of us really know how to do this, we want to be together and in each others lives.

But at the same time, I feel this huge void. We're still together, but he's not here. That really knocked the wind out of me when I was walking back to my car after seeing him off. He's not here. Things are different. And that void feels so huge that I want nothing more than to jump on a plane to New York immediately just to have a movie night over Pacificos with lime, fall asleep next to him, and go to brunch in the morning. I'm not sure how to deal with this, and it's going to be a huge adjustment. I'm lucky to have a Dad with billions of frequent flyer miles and a brother-in-law who works for an airline; meaning that visits won't be too difficult or expensive to arrange.

Basically, I can't believe he isn't here. But I am so happy that we're still together, and I love the feeling that I can still call him and tell him about my day.

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.