Nighttime.

What is it about nighttime that brings out everything in my life that's painful and shines a spotlight on it all?

There's just something about nighttime. It used to be my favorite time, the time when I come alive the most. I'm a Night Owl, always have been. Even as a kid, staying up late to watch Saturday Night Live and Baywatch reruns. But I've recently been dreading sundown, because I know that even though it's pitch black outside, the darkness will still find some way to shine light on everything that hurts. Nighttime used to fuel me, now it delights in throwing salt in my wounds.

Does anyone else feel like this at night?

Meh.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Waves

I'm wondering which is worse--constant pain, or pain that comes in waves. Right now, I'm thinking it's the latter. If you're constantly in pain, you're almost able to reprogram your brain to get used to it and not to expect anything more. Whereas when pain comes in waves, you never know when it'll hit. It comes out of nowhere and blindsides you, paralyzing you for awhile. And when that happens on a day when you're actually feeling okay with things, it hurts SO MUCH MORE than when it's constant.