A Rufus Kind of Week

Rufus Wainwright has been my music of choice this week. Can't get enough.

Soul Sister

I lovelovelove Patsy Cline. And I love listening to and singing along with her music, particularly in the morning or while driving. She gets me. (Plus her outfits are beyond fabulous.)



I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted,
and then someday you'd leave me for somebody new.

Love Is A Losing Game

I understand that Amy Winehouse had a lot of problems. She drank heavily and did drugs, she was belligerent, she was an addict. And I understand that there are a myriad of ugly things happening around the world that we should be concerned about and that something like a celebrity death may seem trivial in comparison. I understand all that. But I don't give a damn. She was one of my all-time favorite singers...I can't describe how much her music has meant to me. And despite her problems, she did NOT deserve to die. No one deserves that. I'm sick of hearing shit like that, how "if you play with fire you'll get burnt," "she shouldn't have said no to rehab, heh heh heh" and so on. This is like my Kurt Cobain, and I don't feel bad about grieving for her. I loved her music. Her voice and her lyrics helped me through a whole lot, and I'm so sad that she'll never release another incredible album. Rest in Peace, crazy girl. I love you.

My Favorite Amy Songs:

Things I Would Like to Know:

• When and if I'll ever stop feeling like this. It's been almost six months since the breakup and I still hurt. I only feel the tiniest bit better. My heart repairs itself at a damn snail's pace.
• Whether I'll ever be able to listen to music like Matt Nathanson and Rufus Wainwright and a million other artists ever again without feeling lightheaded. For fuck's sake, I didn't even associate Rufus Wainwright with him before we met. That makes me really angry. Half my music is still un-listenable, but I'm sure he's fine. Listening to all his music like we never shared anything. Because nothing was ever ours.
• Is finding somebody else the only way to get over someone?! Because I can't do that right now. I'm still not ready to dive into a new relationship, nor am I the kind of person who can pick someone up at a bar to have revenge sex with. Sorry, social norms, but I can't do that. 

I'm really sick of feeling like this. And I'm really sick of being the only person that feels anything, ever.

I'm Not Calling You a Ghost, Just Stop Haunting Me

"There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep;
Wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks.
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
to fall, to fall, to fall at your feet."
--Florence + the Machine

Inspiration Boards: Pink Hair #2

BAM.

 More pretty pink goodness. 

I still desperately want pink hair. I'm temporarily at a stalemate, though, because I can't really afford to get it done at my usual salon right now. Nor do I trust the ability to do it myself...I have very limited beauty skills. So I'll just stick with inspiration board-ing. For now, anyway.

Now let's just take a moment and raise a glass to Gwen Stefani, who definitely perpetuated my pink hair obsession when I was in middle school. She rocks. And I loveloveLOVE this song and video. So much. (I found the following lovely photo montage HERE. I actually remembered a source for once!)

Sighhhh. So pretty.

---

Note on Sources: As mentioned in my last inspiration board post, I rarely keep track of where I find each of these lovely images. I do know that they usually come from Google searches or various Tumblrs including Fuck Yeah Pink and Sex Hair. I know I got that the photo directly below Gwen Stefani came from a post on A Day In My Life from a lonnnng time ago, but I don't have the exact URL. Feel free to contact me if any of these images are yours, and I will credit you or take it down.

These Songs

I'm a little short on words tonight, so I guess I'll let these songs speak for me instead.



MISTRESS
Inara George

Will you take me as your mistress?
Long and dark hair.
Will you cut it off when it is useless?
All of my hair.
I have never seen the bottom?
The bottom of the well.
Could you ever love a mistress?
It never feels the same.

All the wandering...
live wires and fires and nights.
All your sympathy,
I’d like to feel this way again.

Will you take me as your mistress?
Sure and short of breath.
Could you carry on your business?
Do you already know
the way to my door?
'Cause you've made your way inside
a dozen times before...

The trick is to never look into their eyes;
all the times, all the loaded times.
And it’s belly up, and it’s hot and cold all the time;
all the loaded times.
And it fights
and it lies
and it sighs
and it sighs
and it sighs...

Will you take me as your mistress?
Could you ever love a mistress?
It never feels the same.


An added bonus is that this video is a neat little slideshow of classic Hollywood starlets.

BETWEEN THE BARS
Originally by Elliot Smith, but the Madeleine Peyroux cover is WAY better...

Drink up, baby
Stay up all night.
Things you could do;
You won't, but you might.
The potential you'll be, you'll never see,
promises you'll only make...

Drink up with me now
and forget all about
pressure of days;
Do what I say,
and I'll make you okay--drive them away;
the images stuck in your head.

People you've been before
that you don't want around anymore,
that push, shove, won't bend to your will...
I’ll keep them still.

Drink up, baby
Look at the stars.
And I'll kiss you again,
between the bars;
Where I'm seeing you there, hands in the air--
Waiting to finally be caught.

Drink up one more time,
And I'll make you mine.
And keep you apart, deep in my heart;
Separate from the rest,
where I like you the best.
Keep the things you forgot...

People you've been before
that you don't want around anymore,
that push, shove, won't bend to your will...
I'll keep them still.

Maps

1/16/11, JFK, 5:51 PM
I'm completely heartbroken. My entire body HURTS; I'm in so much pain that I can't think straight. Which I suppose doesn't matter, because so many things are running through my head that trying to sort through them would just hurt more. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we intertwine our lives with someone else's if it's all not going to work anyway? Everything is so complicated, and is only made more complicated when everyday things become associated with one person. Everything makes me think of him. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't deal with this. I don't know HOW to deal with this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. And I wish that he was the one. As much as I love him, I know in the back of my mind that we are probably not meant to be together forever. But whoever that person is, I wish that I could find him. Because this hurts too much.

I've never been a "dater." Ever. I never understood how my friends could just move from person to person like it was nothing. I don't trust easily, and I don't open up easily. And I mate for life. When I love someone or something, I love with my whole self. Which is why I don't make friends easily, either. And it's why Steve was basically my first relationship.

This all hurts like hell. I can't stand it.

LATER, Airplane, 9:10 PM-ish
By myself in a plane full of people, 154 miles away from PHX. The captain just said we should be on the ground at "40 past the hour, and at the gate shortly after that." The woman sitting behind me is traveling with her dog. I'm sitting in the window seat, and if I tilt my head to the left towards the window, all I smell is dog breath. I just watched The Hours. I love that beautiful, sad movie. Then I watched the "Maps" music video, which I love so much that I actually bought it off of iTunes a long time ago.

I always associate that song with people leaving. Every time someone leaves, it feels like a death. Like I'm being abandoned for something so much better. People go away to their new lives, and "Maps" runs through my head. WAIT -- THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU. Everybody leaves me. They leave me and go somewhere else. But I stay here, alone and stuck.

I remember before Derek was accepted to Cornish, him and Christian and I were going to move into a house together. I can still imagine what our house would've looked like--probably one of those cute, small houses near campus, with hardwood floors and warm light. The walls covered in photos and memories and art and the silly things we collect. It would be a little scary living in that area, I guess, but I wouldn't mind because I would be safe with my friends around. Inside jokes and singing the theme to Three's Company. Derek and I doing Greek homework while Christian has her latest art project spread across the coffee table.

But none of that actually happened. Derek moved to Seattle and Christian got a job at The Loft. She found a whole new group of friends, a new identity, and a new apartment. While I slowly started to fade away and float around campus like a ghost, not sure what I was doing or where I was going. Then I made the decision to transfer schools, and had one of the best years of my life preparing. Dancing, writing, taco/movie nights after class with Todd and other dance friends. Then I moved, and things felt both terrifying and wonderful. The ASU Dance program was kooky, just like me. I got cast in Kiss Me Kate, discovered the theater scene in Phoenix, met and started dating Steve.

One day before Karen's modern class, one of my classmates named Stephanie looked over at me and said, "You look really pretty today, Katy. Really happy." And I was. I felt like I was glowing. I had finally broken out of a years-long cycle of Tucson stagnation, and found my own deliriously happy place to start doing great things in.

And then everything fell apart. I fell apart. Suddenly, I couldn't get up for class anymore and couldn't figure out why. I fucked everything up. Or rather--my body did. I worked so hard to get to that great place in my life only to enjoy it for one semester before my body completely betrayed me. My health abandoned me. Then everyone started leaving again.

What scares me is that I'm at the point where I almost don't want to feel better. I don't want to work hard to get my life where I want it to be, only to completely fall apart again. I can't do it.

We've landed.

1/21/11, Bedroom, 12:31 AM
This is the predicament I'm in. I experience things so deeply. TOO deeply. And I never get over anything. I realize that pain and loss and change are all normal parts of life. But I feel like at some point, people deal with it all. It might take time, but they eventually heal. I don't heal, regardless of how much time passes. Things that have happened 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 14 years ago still hurt like they happened yesterday. I'm only 23, and have an entire lifetime's worth of change ahead. But I can't keep experiencing these seemingly normal life things over and over again, because they destroy me so easily. Even as years pass, small parts of me are still baking cookies with Christine and Margie. Still remembering how cold and waxy Christine's skin felt when she was lying in a casket. Still 12 years old sitting at a parent-teacher conference with my Mom, listening as all my teachers listed everything I was doing wrong. Still dancing to "Nothing Else Matters" on Utterback's huge stage. Still drinking Dr. Pepper and pulling all-nighters in Graham-Greenlee. Still watching Twin Peaks and eating Del Taco with Steve on weekends. Still walking around New York City watching Steve be perfectly fine with everything while it takes me every ounce of energy not to cry all the time. And so on ad nauseam. I never really move on. I'll always be doing Greek homework in the adorable house that never actually happened. I can't get any of this out of my head.

What I really don't understand is how and why I got here. For years, I watched my friends find their little niches and desperately wanted to find my own. And I did, after working hard to get there. Only to get sick and ruin everything. I'm not doing this again. I'm not going to get better just to plummet all over again. I feel like I'd rather give up and succumb.

Street Lights

I really can't be 100% sure about this until classes actually start on Thursday, but I have a feeling that graduating college is something that is just not going to happen for me. Part of me is still fiercely hanging onto the idea of staying in school even though it makes me miserable most of the time. I'm waiting for that part to let go. I'm also waiting for the day when I can forgive myself for feeling like this, because right now all I feel is guilt. So much money wasted--both on tuition at the UA and ASU, and for many flights/hotel stays during BFA auditions...so much money, it's disgusting. And so much time wasted; my time, my teachers' time. Again, I can't be 100% sure about this until I see how this semester feels and I talk to some people. But I went to ASU today for an advising session and have another one tomorrow; it's not looking good. I just don't think it's going to happen.



"Let me know...
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain't always set in stone.
That be known, let me know. Let me--
Seems like streetlights, glowing,
happen to be just like
moments passing in front of me
so I hopped in the cab and,
I paid my fare;
See, I know my destination,
But I'm just not there..."
--Street Lights, Kanye West

My Current Playlist of Sad Bastard Music

I first heard the term "Sad Bastard Music" from Kay, by way of Jack Black in High Fidelity. It's such a perfect description of my favorite weepy, melancholy songs that it's become part of my permanent lexicon ever since. While I have an incredibly vast collection of Sad Bastard Music, these are the songs I've been listening to recently; in the past week or so. I think I'll definitely do another post at some point that documents my all-time favorite Sad Bastard songs another day, because some songs are just must-haves. Below the batch of videos is my commentary on each song.

So here we go...



Katy's CURRENT Playlist of Sad Bastard Music, in no particular order:



1) Lady Gaga--"Speechless"
Not only is this a current favorite Sad Bastard song, it's also currently one of my favorite songs to belt in the car. I usually sing it at least once a day...if only I could use it as an audition song! This particular version is my absolute favorite live performance of it. First of all, I think she looks so beautiful here. Her dress is incredible, her makeup is classic and flawless, and she's wearing my favorite version of her hair bow. It's like a perfect balance of classic glamour and her signature outrageous, avant garde style. And secondly, I love the stripped down, raw way she sings the song. "Speechless" is a great example of how talented Lady Gaga actually is, because she's great at campy ballads as well as catchy pop/dance songs. I really wish she'd put out an album of just her on solo piano, that would make my life! Other great performances of "Speechless," in my opinion, include her performance on Ellen and the one from the AMAs where she breaks bottles (both of these performances can be found on YouTube as well).

2) Ingrid Michaelson--"Turn to Stone"
I bought this song off of iTunes a long time ago, but forgot about it until I rewatched season 5 of Grey's Anatomy this week and now I'm obsessed. (It's featured in episode #5.21: "What A Difference A Day Makes.") Ingrid Michaelson writes beautiful ballads, and this one is a perfect mix of simple, beautiful piano lilting which builds into epic explosions of rich sound. Sighhh.

3) Dresden Dolls--"Delilah" (Performed in this video by Amanda Palmer only.)
WOW. Talk about a song that makes me dissolve within seconds of the opening lines. Devastating lyrics, vocals, music, everything...I cry like a little girl. "And you thought you could change his mind / by changing your perfume / to the kind his mother wore..." AHH. Really, Amanda Palmer? Why don't you just stab me in the heart. I would really love to choreograph a solo to it using the whole song, but I can't figure out any movement that's good enough for it.

4) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club--"Feel It Now"
I first heard this song a long time ago in an episode of Bones from season one (#1.12: "The Superhero in the Alley"). I recently rediscovered it when listening to an old mix a couple weeks ago. I love the sad, simple lyrics, gorgeous piano, and his neo-classic rock voice. "I turn myself into an angel, I run myself into the ground." Gahh.

5) Evelyn Evelyn--"Evelyn Evelyn"
There's all this controversy surrounding Evelyn Evelyn, the side project with Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley, but my response to that is a whole other entry. The point is: I love them and I love love love this song. It's extremely intense but sort of airy and ethereal at the same time, with this underlying creepy music box/circus vibe to it. Lovvve.

6) Lady Gaga--"Brown Eyes"
Another great example of Lady Gaga's talent for soulful ballads and passionate vocals.

7) Rufus Wainwright--"Zebulon"
"I'm in love, but let's not talk about it..." Oh, Rufus. No one does morose quite like him. His newest album, All Days Are Nights: Songs For Lulu, is just him and his piano and is SO beautiful that it doesn't even seem real. I saw him live last fall (and MET him!) and felt the same way about his concert, which was just him and a piano. Indescribably beautiful. This song is absolutely devastating, as are my other favorites from the album which I couldn't find video for: "Sad With What I Have" and "Who Are You, New York?" Seriously, just buy the album. You won't be disappointed.

8) Jane Monheit--"A Case of You"
Steve got me into Jane Monheit when we first started dating. She is so ridiculously talented, it's absurd. Of course I love the original Joni version of "A Case of You," but I have an obsession with cover songs and collect them. Especially when they're flawless like this one. K.d. Lang also does an incredible cover of it on her Hymns of the 49th Parallel album and I've been listening to her version a lot recently as well. Another Jane Monheit song that's on my current Sad Bastard playlist is her rendition of "Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most." It's perfect.

9) Susanna and the Magical Orchestra--"Love Will Tear Us Apart"
When it comes to Sad Bastard Music, you can't go wrong with "Love Will Tear Us Apart," which is why there are two different covers of it on my current playlist. I mentioned Susanna and the Magical Orchestra in my last entry, and here's an example of her epic moroseness! I've also been listening to her equally morose, melodic covers of "These Days" and "Enjoy the Silence." Once I get sick of these covers, I definitely want to hear more of her original songs.

10) Evelyn Evelyn--"Love Will Tear Us Apart"
When I first heard this, I honestly didn't recognize Amanda Palmer's voice and thought that it was a guest vocalist. I'd never heard her go this whispery and subdued before! But I love it. Jason Webley is equally gorgeous on this cover as well. And they accompany themselves on a damn ukulele! I love morose songs that are combined with calm ukulele strumming; it adds this perfect bit of camp to it (another great example of this is Ingrid Michaelson's cover of "Creep" in which she uses a ukulele as well).

11) Lisbeth Scott w/ Nathan Barr--"Take Me Home (Pie Cry Remix)"
Ho-ly Hell. What an incredible song! I recently rewatched season one of True Blood, and couldn't believe that I didn't own this song already. It is so, so, so beautiful I can't even take it! And of course this scene is just devastating if you've seen it in the context of the show, which adds to the song's sad beauty. I'm dying to choreograph to this. I can just see dancers all in white.

12) Sara Melson--"Feel It Coming"
This song is a little more upbeat, but still has that great Sad Bastard lyrical quality that I love. Plus it's played at the very end of a particularly sad Grey's Anatomy episode (#4.10: "Crash Into Me, Part II") so I associate it with that. But it also makes me smile, too, because I think of Meredith, Cristina and Lexie's nerdy drunken dance party. (See the scene HERE. It doesn't really contain any major spoilers.) I'm curious to hear more from Sara Melson.

Enjoy. :)



"Raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts
of all my wrecked-up friends."
--Lady Gaga, Speechless

I don't care how impossible they are, I love the ferry episodes.

Meredith: I was swimming. I was fighting. And then I thought...just for a second, I thought, "What's the point?" And I let go. I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody...
Denny: Okay.

--Grey's Anatomy #3.17: "Some Kind of Miracle"

That's all for now. Update soon, I hope. I haven't really felt much like writing recently, even though there's been much on my mind.

One notable thing from today, though, is that I finally withdrew from my last class. I hate that complete withdrawals have to be done in person, mostly because I can barely bring myself to leave the house during the day. But I finally dragged myself down there because the deadline is tomorrow. I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or gloomy afterward, but now I guess I feel a combination of both. Glad I got it out of the way, but just gloomy about how everything has turned out. My classmates have been posting videos of their final projects on Facebook. I can't bring myself to watch them, but just seeing them pop up on my news feed literally makes my heart hurt. That's the only way to describe it. My heart hurts. And it spreads through my entire body until I just hurt all over. I wish I could've at least been able to make it through the rest of the semester, then I could take next semester off instead. But I knew I couldn't continue. There was absolutely no way. Doesn't stop my heart from hurting, though.

But at least I have weepy Grey's Anatomy episodes, ice cream, and sad bastard music to keep me company while I wallow for a bit and start trying to figure things out. I discovered this extremely morose band yesterday called Susanna and the Magical Orchestra; they cover songs that are already quite morose and make them even MORE morose. Excellent.