Crossroads

I still have writing from the airport and airplane that I intend on sharing soon. But right now, I need to let you know some things. First of all, I am so sorry if this scares you. Or if I've scared you. I have been in the position where I've feared for a friend's life, and it's awful. It's not my intention to put that on any of you. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, and I'm so sorry that I can't snap out of this for you all. After writing down some very scary memories and thoughts tonight (which I'm not sure if I want to post yet), and thinking about some other things that I can't get out of my head, I started crying and shaking. Uncontrollably. So much so that I ended up vomiting.

I've decided not to go to class tomorrow--well, today. I am going to take care of some things, drive Derek to the airport, talk to my therapist and parents. I think that I may have to be hospitalized. And soon. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months, and tonight I feel I've reached a point where I could potentially be a danger to myself if drastic steps are not taken. Please know that nothing will happen to me tonight. I'm sure of it. But I know that I can't make it through another night like this. So I intend on getting more help.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything.

Well, I'm back.

And all this hurts so much that I can't think straight.

I scribbled lots of stuff down at JFK and on the plane, so maybe I'll post it tomorrow when my brain is working again. I'm going to sleep.

University of Wily Exuberance

This was my horoscope from Free Will Astrology last week. I think it kind of sums things up.

CANCER (June 21st-July 22nd)
This would be an excellent time for you to get aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the Institute of Getting Down to Business.

Yep.

On a completely different note, here is a random sampling of my Irrational Thinking/Rampant Imagination:
I came home earlier and saw that some of the lights were on. Which always makes me feel like all is not right in Whoville, since Jonathan (roommate) always turns all the lights off even when he's home. But his car wasn't in the driveway AND the door was locked, so I assumed he was probably out somewhere (it is Friday night, after all) and just didn't turn the lights off or something. Now, a normal person would just stop at that logical conclusion. But my imagination tends to run wild. SO, I'm still half-convinced that I'm going to find Jonathan murdered and stuffed in a closet, and the reason his car is gone is that the killer stole it. The kitties have the crazies right now, which only creeps me out even more, like they're trying to tell me something.

Shut up, brain.

"I've lost Hunt and Torres. See, I sent them to get Shepherd and I never heard from them again. See, I was trying to solve the Shepherd situation for you, Sir, but, It appears I've somehow made it three times worse. So...I'm telling you, and my next move I believe is that I'm gonna call the police. Because...I'm half-convinced they're all dead. On a spit. With a one-armed man turning them into shishkebabs. Sir. It's my mind. It just goes there."
--Dr. Bailey, Grey's Anatomy #5.18: "Stand By Me"