Things I Would Like to Know:

• When and if I'll ever stop feeling like this. It's been almost six months since the breakup and I still hurt. I only feel the tiniest bit better. My heart repairs itself at a damn snail's pace.
• Whether I'll ever be able to listen to music like Matt Nathanson and Rufus Wainwright and a million other artists ever again without feeling lightheaded. For fuck's sake, I didn't even associate Rufus Wainwright with him before we met. That makes me really angry. Half my music is still un-listenable, but I'm sure he's fine. Listening to all his music like we never shared anything. Because nothing was ever ours.
• Is finding somebody else the only way to get over someone?! Because I can't do that right now. I'm still not ready to dive into a new relationship, nor am I the kind of person who can pick someone up at a bar to have revenge sex with. Sorry, social norms, but I can't do that. 

I'm really sick of feeling like this. And I'm really sick of being the only person that feels anything, ever.

Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? I don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Take Care, Now.

"Take care, now."