On Repeat

"This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
Then try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made,
and stick it into some--
Someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood."
--On the Radio, Regina Spektor

Always the Years Between Us

 

"You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."
--Virginia Woolf, The Hours

It was Virginia Woolf's deathday on the 28th, so I've had her on the brain. I love Nicole Kidman's portrayal of her in The Hours.

"You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know."
--Virginia Woolf's suicide letter to her husband Leonard

The theme to The Hours, by Philip Glass, was the music for my audition solo during the great Dance BFA search. Todd choreographed it. I feel like I was such a different person then. I've listened to the song a few times this week, but haven't been able to get through it without crying and feeling kinesthetic memories of the movement. I remember Todd had me do some writing about the solo at the time, here's a bit of it:

Todd told me that the piece is all about transitions. And obviously, seeing as I'm going through quite a transition of sorts right now, I relate a lot to that theme. But furthermore, this piece to me is not only about the transition, but also about all the fear, nerves, apprehension and doubt that inevitably comes with taking a big step. I start the piece out in a wide stance with my wrists resting on top of my ribcage and I do these really small, sharp ticking movements that get bigger and bigger until I shoot forward....This pretty much sums me up, both as a person and as a dancer. I feel completely paralyzed by fear most of the time, and I often have to literally push myself into doing things that scare the bejesus out of me. And even though I'm pushing myself, I still take very small steps before jumping in completely.

I also relate a lot to the song within it's original context. It's the main theme from the movie The Hours. The plot revolves around three women in three different time periods who are all seemingly stuck in places that they don't want to be in. But at the same time, they can't really change anything about their lives without sending their entire world (as well as the lives of their friends and family) into upheaval. Despite this, each woman ends up making that pivotal change. It may have been the completely wrong change to make, or in Clarissa's case, the change came without her consent. But regardless of the circumstances, all three women go through a significant and profound transition over the course of the film.

I'm Not Calling You a Ghost, Just Stop Haunting Me

"There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep;
Wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks.
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
to fall, to fall, to fall at your feet."
--Florence + the Machine

Wow.

Family.....I don't even know. My parents think they understand what's going on with me and how to deal with it, and they don't. Just the opposite, in fact. So I need to find the courage to break through my ridiculous shame complexes and ask others for help, like my siblings and close friends. I wish I could elaborate a little more on what has been going on this week, but it doesn't feel right. I think a movie night involving black label Johnnie Walker and/or cupcakes may be in order when I get back to Mesa. Or maybe Johnnie Walker cupcakes. Do they make those?

Luke: Didn't that Tolstoy guy say something about families?
Lorelai: Probably.
Luke: It was some famous thing he said, something like 'All families are unhappy,' or happy on the surface, or unhappy in the same way.
Lorelai: Sounds a little incomplete.
Luke: Well, maybe he couldn't finish the thought because he was too busy dealing with his stinking family!
Lorelai: Do the Hallmark people know about you? Because you're a natural.
--Gilmore Girls #4.12: "A Family Matter"

Done (?)

I was just reading over some older LiveJournal entries from my first semester at the U of A. It made me realize just how much school and I aren't really working out. I think I need to be done with it for awhile, and do something else. Or just take more time off until I figure out an academic plan that I can realistically follow through with. But honestly, I think I need to give up on it for now. I adore my classmates so much, and wish I could finish this journey with them. But I can't. It's only making me miserable, and it's done nothing but make me miserable in the past. I think I'm done.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
--The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

But I still have to face the hours, don't I?

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself, 'So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more.' It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."
--The Hours

University of Wily Exuberance

This was my horoscope from Free Will Astrology last week. I think it kind of sums things up.

CANCER (June 21st-July 22nd)
This would be an excellent time for you to get aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the Institute of Getting Down to Business.

Yep.

On a completely different note, here is a random sampling of my Irrational Thinking/Rampant Imagination:
I came home earlier and saw that some of the lights were on. Which always makes me feel like all is not right in Whoville, since Jonathan (roommate) always turns all the lights off even when he's home. But his car wasn't in the driveway AND the door was locked, so I assumed he was probably out somewhere (it is Friday night, after all) and just didn't turn the lights off or something. Now, a normal person would just stop at that logical conclusion. But my imagination tends to run wild. SO, I'm still half-convinced that I'm going to find Jonathan murdered and stuffed in a closet, and the reason his car is gone is that the killer stole it. The kitties have the crazies right now, which only creeps me out even more, like they're trying to tell me something.

Shut up, brain.

"I've lost Hunt and Torres. See, I sent them to get Shepherd and I never heard from them again. See, I was trying to solve the Shepherd situation for you, Sir, but, It appears I've somehow made it three times worse. So...I'm telling you, and my next move I believe is that I'm gonna call the police. Because...I'm half-convinced they're all dead. On a spit. With a one-armed man turning them into shishkebabs. Sir. It's my mind. It just goes there."
--Dr. Bailey, Grey's Anatomy #5.18: "Stand By Me"

Thought for the Day:

"Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."

A girl I vaguely knew in high school but am now Facebook friends with had this as her status today. I think it may be my new philosophy on life, at least career-wise. It's interesting how some of my former-acquaintances-turned-Facebook-friends have some of the best status updates.

Late Night Internetz.

Since I withdrew from my classes and don't have to wake up early, I've of course completely effed up my sleep schedule by sleeping in. Now I'm like a vampire, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I took some NyQuil tonight to try and break through that, buuut it's not strong enough. I may have to resort to staying up all night, then forcing myself to stay awake all day in order to get back on a normal sleep schedule. Blahhh. I hate doing that.

I wish I could spend these sleepless nights doing something productive, like cleaning my room, but I'm inexplicably incapable of productivity this time of night. I'm just in a daze. I spend part of my time watching episodes of various TV shows over and over again, even if I've seen them a million times already. The other half is spent online. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, LJ, various blogs I read. I refresh the page over and over again, as if people actually update these things in the middle of the night.

Here's what I've discovered in tonight's waste of time internetting:

“After all, I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.”

--Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery

Even though I never read the Anne of Green Gables books (I've always wanted to...need to add that to my reading list), I grew up on that TV miniseries with adorable redhead Megan Follows as Anne. My Mom had them on VHS. Both Green Gables and Avonlea were like four hours long but I watched them constantly growing up. I loved every second. I stumbled on the above quote on a Tumblr I follow called BookLover. It's the only blog that posts in the middle of the night since the author is from Turkey and on a different time zone. Anyway, I really liked that quote, and I think it's so true. I love simple pleasures. I try to keep a list of my favorite ones in hopes of starting a blog, but always forget them once I open up the list. Bah. And now I really want to watch the miniseries.

Another thing that BookLover posted tonight was a text/image thing that said: You know those nights when you can't fall asleep? Well, maybe it's because you are awake, in someone else's dream. Hmm. Innnnteresting.

Another find was a fiery LJ entry I wrote something like four years ago, about buying jeans. Some things never change, because I still feel like that every time I shop for jeans! But it was funny to read that entry, because I totally forget some things I say/write, such as refer to a pair of jeans that fit perfectly everywhere except the waist by saying that "I very nearly set the little cocktease on fire." I get very angry when I shop for jeans.

And of course I'm starting to get tired now, at 4:45 in the fucking morning. Blah.