Only Darkness

I had a dream last night where I was trying to get to ASU Gammage, the well-known theatrical venue in Tempe. I can't remember if I was seeing a show there, or working on a show. But either way, I had to get there and was running late as usual.

I was driving at night, and turned onto a road where I was immediately blinded by thick darkness. I could barely make out Gammage in the distance. I tried turning my brights on, but the darkness just absorbed every ounce of light. I had no choice but to drive blind.

I feel like this is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. If you label Gammage as my career goals in the arts and the drive as my journey to them, it all makes perfect sense. I thought I had a well-lit path, but I no longer do. It's only thick, frightening darkness with a barely discernible end in sight, far away in the distance. And right now, I am failing miserably at navigating my way through and have no idea what to do.

Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Countdown

So, a few weeks ago, I emailed Phoenix Theatre's production manager inquiring about choreographing for them next season. I initially got a response saying that no positions were available, but they will definitely keep my information on file. Not too shabby, especially considering I never expected to get a response!

THEN.

I got another response. It said that the Artistic Director, Michael Barnard, wants to meet with me!! What?! They said that while they are still unsure about positions available for next season, Michael Barnard likes to know who is out there for future reference. So of COURSE I responded back saying I was interested, and we have a meeting set for this upcoming Friday at 10:30 AM. I can't believe it! I'm so excited, and so nervous as well!

Additionally, I am auditioning for Phoenix Theatre this week, the day after my meeting with Michael Barnard. Hopefully meeting with him will make me less nervous? I hope so. I'm planning on singing "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me and "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, then doing a monologue from Talk Radio. I almost have the monologue memorized, and need to go through my songs a few more times. Then prep all my audition materials--resume, headshot, music, etc. I also need to prepare a press packet to bring to my meeting with Michael Barnard.

AHH! Things are happening! Even if there aren't any choreography jobs available and/or I don't get cast in anything, at least I'm getting my foot in the door there. Not bad!

Thinking.

I love updating my website. I love writing my dance blog. I love putting promotional press-kit type packages together with my resume, demo DVD, references, business card, etc. and sending them to theaters. I love doing my work. I just need to find a way to actually get paid for that work more often. I'm pretty sure Sweet Charity scarred me for life. I feel like ever since we barely made it through that production process, I've forgotten how to do my job. And I forgot how it feels to NOT have to hold a show together with both hands. I am terrified of that happening again. I can't get over the fear that Sweet Charity instilled in me long enough to even think about sending out my DVD to theaters and asking them for jobs.

Another thing that keeps me from promoting myself is school. It is incredibly difficult for me to work on a show full-time while being in school full-time as well, as I found out the hard way with Ragtime and Sweet Charity. I'm trying to figure out how and if I should get back into choreographing musicals, and school is a major factor in that decision. While I get fantastic on-the-job training, working in theater often derails my school process. I start putting off school stuff to catch up on theater stuff, I don't spend time on campus, I don't focus on creating contemporary work or performing in pieces because I'm already too busy. It's just not possible to balance both. If all goes to plan, I should be graduating in three semesters. But that's a hell of a long time to go without being in theater. Plus there are some amazing shows going on next season that I would love to choreograph. I can't wear myself too thin again, but I also don't like having to choose between school and theater. I'm so confused. Meh. But I suppose there are things I can do in the meantime to keep up with theater people, like getting my dance-class-for-actors thing off the ground. I think I found a good space for it; I just need to inquire about pricing and scheduling and whatnot.

In other news, I finally went to the SRC today (ASU's rec center). I've been meaning to go forever, but have NOT had the energy or motivation. Today I dragged myself there and did 25 minutes on the bike and swam 12 lengths in the pool. I'm SO rusty and out of shape, and am now ridiculously sore. But I did it. It was like pulling teeth, but I did it. I feel kind of silly for being proud of myself...but I really haven't been able to do much of anything until now so it's a bit of a big deal for me.

After I got home, I hopped in the shower and then painted my nails a beautiful deep shade of fuschia. It's about the same shade that I want to dye my hair when I go to my cut and color appointment this weekend! It's time for pink hair. I don't care if it further impairs my ability to get a job. There are some places that would embrace a freaky girl with freaky hair, and hopefully they'll hire me. But this is something I've wanted to do forever and if I don't do it now, I probably never will. Pink hair, ahoy!

You would think I'd feel happy on nights like this. Content. But all I really feel is lonely. I hate that.

That's all for now. I'm currently curled up with wine and Inglourious Basterds (by myself). Bon soir.