Currently...

WATCHING:
Sooooo muuuuch Parks and Recreation. I don't know how I ever survived without Ron Swanson. Also watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and am totally in love with Data. And I really wish someone would just punch Wesley Crusher in his stupid face and then throw him off the Enterprise forever. Because I hate him.
I have a lot of feelings, okay?
Also just got done rewatching the Sex and the City movie for the first time in awhile. Yes, I realize how problematic that show/movie is in terms of it being drenched in stereotypes and white privilege. But I can't help loving it anyway, so deal with it. And in case you were wondering, I'm a Charlotte.

LISTENING TO:
I have "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat, and desperately want to sing it at karaoke now that I know I can hit all the high notes!
Also listening to a shit ton of Broadway showtunes, namely Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Mesa Encore Theatre will be holding auditions for that show soon and I would love to play Jolene) and Cabaret (aka my favorite musical ever, EVER, EVER).

PLANNING:
What the rest of my year will look like.
I found out last night, just after posting my list of various goals, that the cute indie coffee shop right across the street from my apartment is HIRING! Pretty fantastic timing, I must say, considering I had only just made the concrete decision to get a new job that day. I do hope it pans out. Even if it doesn't, I'm still not returning to my job this fall. I can always use the unemployed time to focus solely on school and learning how to become a functional human being, then go back to job-hunting after I graduate.
Also toying with some new interior design ideas for my room. I'd like to add a desk, reorganize my closets, get a beanbag chair (just because), and daydream about having enough room for an antique art deco vanity (even though I don't, unless I can move my smaller dresser into the closet...hmmm).

THINKING ABOUT:
School. I keep looking at my transcript thingie over and over again, because I basically can't believe I'm like four or five classes away from graduating. I need to work out some scheduling issues with my advisor, but then I should be all set for fall. I love you, ASU School of Dance, but I need to be done. Like right now.
Oh yeah, and I turn 26 next week?? Blahhhhhh.

READING:
I just finished up Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. SO good, SO creepy! I need her to release another fucked-up dark mystery novel ASAP!!
Now I'm in the dreaded between-books stage. I did just buy Dan Brown's new book on my iPad, so maybe I'll dive into that. I know his books are like literary junk food, but I am a shameless junk food enthusiast so I don't really care.

MAKING ME HAPPY:

• Performing. Not just being onstage, but the whole ritual of it. Picking up my green tea lemonade from Starbucks before heading to the theater, goofing around with my silly castmates, putting on my makeup and costume. Then taking it all off afterwards and heading home, ready to do it again the next night. I don't know...it's hard to explain. But I love it.
• PASSING MATH and being DONE with those classes forever and ever!
• Singing in my car all the time, and discovering I have a higher belt range than I previously thought.
• My pretty new dresser.
• Having stuff to look forward to in the (near) future as opposed to just bleak nothingness. I still don't know what my ultimate career path will be, but at least I have some things to keep me occupied until I figure it out.
• Poached eggs covered in Cholula on top of carnitas, potatoes, and cheese from Crackers & Company. Om nom nom.
• My supercute nieces and nephews.
• Eating ALL THE EEGEE'S! (It's a glorious local restaurant chain in Tucson.)
• This short piece on why Gillian Flynn writes about violent women: http://gillian-flynn.com/for-readers/
• Jenna Marbles. She makes me wish I was funny enough to do clever, pithy, silly vlogs. I particularly enjoy this video, 'cause it's totally true: 

To Do List

• Take acting classes and private voice lessons. I really love performing, and would like to do more of it. Particularly with contracted theaters like Phoenix Theatre or Arizona Broadway Theatre. So I need to practice more and learn more, because natural talent only takes one so far.
• Possibly start learning how to play the piano. Or maybe take up the drums again. Or both. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano, and briefly took drum lessons when I was 13 and have always wanted to start again. So why not.
• Wear makeup more. Not because I feel like I “need" to in order to look pretty, but simply because it’s just fun to play with.
• Get a new job. Even though it probably won't be until after I graduate, since this upcoming semester is crazy. The logical thing would be to apply at a corporate Starbucks since I already have barista experience at a licensed location, but I’m also looking at applying at a fun bar/restaurant place near my house.
• Experiment with fashion again. I used to dress really fun and silly and funky in high school. And while I can no longer get away with wearing the kinds of things I used to then (like toothbrushes in my hair or neon fishnets….well, maybe I can still pull off the fishnets :D), I feel like I’ve lost my cute personal style over the years and I’d like to develop one again.
• Make time for artsy crafty stuff again.
• See my family in person more often instead of living vicariously through adorable Facebook photos of my nieces and nephews. Also, visit my best buddies who are scattered across the country.
• GRADUATE. I’M SO CLOSE.

Auld Lang Syne

It's New Years Eve. I'm pretty happy that 2012 is ending...it started out pretty great, but then got progressively worse until everything was an absolute mess. So a fresh start (or at least the illusion of one) is coming at just the right time.

I feel like calling new goals "resolutions" kind of jinxes them, so instead I've just compiled a rough list of some things I'd like to do in 2013, in no particular order, and definitely subject to revision. I'm also not going to kick myself if I don't get any or all done. But it's nice to have a foundation to shape my year around.

SO. In 2013, I would like to...

1. Get Healthier. Maintain my PCOS diet as laid out my my nutritionist, keep up with my medications, safely manage self-destructive habits if I can't quit them altogether, and just generally take care of myself.
2. Start going on short walks. The weather is so nice this time of year, and I think heading to Tempe Town Lake occasionally for some casual strolls would be fun.
3. Make time for reading, writing, and art. I've been doing that more recently, so this is just something I'd like to continue doing.
4. Take up fun physical activities again like yoga, swimming, and skating. And maybe even try something new like CrossFit, even though it's expensive as all hell.
5. Choreograph something. I've had a lot of ideas for solos floating around in my head.
6. Keep my apartment as clean as I can manage. Keep up on laundry and general cleaning so I don't end up with piles of stuff everywhere.
7. Do better in school. I'm tantalizingly close to being done, y'know. Hopefully the fact that I'm taking some fun classes (except for math) will give me extra motivation.
8. GRADUATE. Winter 2013. It's happening. And I will probably be drunk for an entire month afterwards!
9. Get another job, or possibly apply at a corporate Starbucks. Not that I hate my current job or anything, but I think adding another one (particularly one with benefits) might be good. Plus, if I choose to go to a corporate Starbucks, I think they can transfer me to another one when I move to a currently undetermined location after graduation.
10. Manage money better and save for future plans. I'm terrible with money and would like to change that.

Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Antsiness and Earlybird Daydreams

I'm ridiculously antsy.

There are all these big things coming up soon--getting my keys, moving into my apartment, starting classes, and potentially getting a job. But the dates for all these things are approaching at a snail's pace. I just bought a lovely new planner for the upcoming school year (I'm obsessed with planners!) and I keep opening it; staring at and touching the pages as if that will make time go by faster. I'm going crazy just waiting! I want all these things to hurry up and HAPPEN! I want my keys so I can start decorating! I want the movers to come so I can settle in! I want classes to start so I can have more things to do and jot down in my planner! I want a job so I can have some semblance of financial stability! But even waiting a day to get my keys feels painful.

Aghhh. HURRY UP! I'm losing my mind waiting around!

I've been daydreaming about the upcoming school year. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been going to bed early and therefore drifting awake early. Waking up early gives you so much TIME. So much that I don't even know what to do with it at this point. I'm hoping that I'll be able to wake up early once school starts so I can get some things done in the morning. I have fantasies of doing early morning yoga, of watching Disney movies and sitting down to a breakfast of half a grapefruit with a poached egg, toast and coffee, of going for a swim before class, of taking morning epsom salt baths (I just read an article about a dancer who does this every day to warm up her muscles for the day ahead). It all sounds so amazing. I'm praying that I'll actually be able to do it instead of oversleeping and rushing to class out of breath. For once I'd like to feel well-fed, warmed up and generally prepared for classes. Send earlybird vibes, pleeeease!

Shrugging of the Shoulders

I did end up cancelling my PT audition. I kind of feel like a loser for doing so, but at the same time I'm okay with it. Meh. I spent the day sleeping, eating ice cream, doing crafty things, and watching Twin Peaks. Audrey Horne is my hero and one can never get enough Dale Cooper.

I think I might still audition for Little Shop at Hale later this month, since, oh yeah, I didn't get cast in Hairspray. Kind of made me a little sad since I would've loved to be in it and killed the dance audition (and in HEELS, damn it!), but I totally understand. I really think my fate with that show is to choreograph it rather than be in it. I look too much like a Tracy to be in the ensemble, and I'm not good enough to actually play Tracy. So I've decided to focus on the choreography side. Mesa Encore Theatre is doing it next summer, so I'm going to contact them now. Maybe I'll choreograph their West Side Story while I'm at it (if they get the rights, that is).

Still desperate for a job. I just applied to Barnes and Noble but haven't heard back yet. Dahh. My next applications will be for Changing Hands and the Apple store. And McDonald's. Because at this point, I'm so not above working at McDonald's. I just want and need a damn job.

It's nice to feel somewhat motivated to do stuff. I've spent many hours thinking that I won't last through this year so why bother making long-term goals. But I suppose the five thousand medications I'm jacked up on are starting to work because I'm not thinking that as often. Shrug.