May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Here are my thoughts on The Hunger Games movie adaptation! Finishing the book and seeing the movie was the perfect end to an already perfect Spring Break.

CONTAINS SPOILERS! You have been warned.

Things I Would Like to Know:

• When and if I'll ever stop feeling like this. It's been almost six months since the breakup and I still hurt. I only feel the tiniest bit better. My heart repairs itself at a damn snail's pace.
• Whether I'll ever be able to listen to music like Matt Nathanson and Rufus Wainwright and a million other artists ever again without feeling lightheaded. For fuck's sake, I didn't even associate Rufus Wainwright with him before we met. That makes me really angry. Half my music is still un-listenable, but I'm sure he's fine. Listening to all his music like we never shared anything. Because nothing was ever ours.
• Is finding somebody else the only way to get over someone?! Because I can't do that right now. I'm still not ready to dive into a new relationship, nor am I the kind of person who can pick someone up at a bar to have revenge sex with. Sorry, social norms, but I can't do that. 

I'm really sick of feeling like this. And I'm really sick of being the only person that feels anything, ever.

Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? I don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

The meek shall inherit the Earth!

One of the movies I've been looking forward to seeing this season is Morning Glory. I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as the trailer made it out to be, but OHMAGOD. I'm overjoyed to report that it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. It was hysterical and attention-grabbing and inspiring. I am officially obsessed with Rachel McAdams' character, Becky. She's my new hero. While she's ambitious and hard-working, she's also sort of meek and scattered and awkward. But manages to completely kick ass. She keeps people in line and commands respect, but not in a way that's expected...in that she's in charge but still meek and awkward at the same time. Which is pretty much exactly how I want to be. I honestly liked the movie so much that I almost saw it AGAIN after I got back to Mesa tonight. But ended up feeling pretty worn out from not sleeping well last night and dealing with complete a-holes on the freeway. Plus I desperately wanted to spend some quality time with my kitty. :) So maybe I'll see it again tomorrow instead! (Ooh, and as an added bonus, Patrick Wilson is only a tiny part of the movie. Which is delightful because I CAN'T STAND HIM.)

Being in Tucson for Thanksgiving was nice, but I'm really happy to be back here. It was so great to see my family, especially siblings I hadn't seen in awhile! (Even though I was stupidly antisocial and kind of felt like a deadbeat family member sometimes.) Ooh, and I went through my bookshelves and plucked out a whole bunch of books that I'd bought years ago but either never got around to reading or just gave up on them halfway through. I've been ravenously devouring books recently, and I'm excited to dive into all these. But despite all that, I'm so happy to be back in Mesa. I missed my big bed, the kitties, fast internet, midnight bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and...I don't know, just being HERE. With all my familiar things. And with FREEWAYS. I can't remember how I used to function without freeways. As much as I love Tucson, there's just no way I'd ever be able to move back. Even visits longer than two days feel like moving backward. And I really just want to move forward now.

Thought for the Day:

"Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."

A girl I vaguely knew in high school but am now Facebook friends with had this as her status today. I think it may be my new philosophy on life, at least career-wise. It's interesting how some of my former-acquaintances-turned-Facebook-friends have some of the best status updates.