Not much to say lately.

"I'm on the edge of something final we call life tonight."
--Gaga

Nighttime.

What is it about nighttime that brings out everything in my life that's painful and shines a spotlight on it all?

There's just something about nighttime. It used to be my favorite time, the time when I come alive the most. I'm a Night Owl, always have been. Even as a kid, staying up late to watch Saturday Night Live and Baywatch reruns. But I've recently been dreading sundown, because I know that even though it's pitch black outside, the darkness will still find some way to shine light on everything that hurts. Nighttime used to fuel me, now it delights in throwing salt in my wounds.

Does anyone else feel like this at night?

Meh.

Crossroads

I still have writing from the airport and airplane that I intend on sharing soon. But right now, I need to let you know some things. First of all, I am so sorry if this scares you. Or if I've scared you. I have been in the position where I've feared for a friend's life, and it's awful. It's not my intention to put that on any of you. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, and I'm so sorry that I can't snap out of this for you all. After writing down some very scary memories and thoughts tonight (which I'm not sure if I want to post yet), and thinking about some other things that I can't get out of my head, I started crying and shaking. Uncontrollably. So much so that I ended up vomiting.

I've decided not to go to class tomorrow--well, today. I am going to take care of some things, drive Derek to the airport, talk to my therapist and parents. I think that I may have to be hospitalized. And soon. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months, and tonight I feel I've reached a point where I could potentially be a danger to myself if drastic steps are not taken. Please know that nothing will happen to me tonight. I'm sure of it. But I know that I can't make it through another night like this. So I intend on getting more help.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything.

Late Night Internetz.

Since I withdrew from my classes and don't have to wake up early, I've of course completely effed up my sleep schedule by sleeping in. Now I'm like a vampire, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I took some NyQuil tonight to try and break through that, buuut it's not strong enough. I may have to resort to staying up all night, then forcing myself to stay awake all day in order to get back on a normal sleep schedule. Blahhh. I hate doing that.

I wish I could spend these sleepless nights doing something productive, like cleaning my room, but I'm inexplicably incapable of productivity this time of night. I'm just in a daze. I spend part of my time watching episodes of various TV shows over and over again, even if I've seen them a million times already. The other half is spent online. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, LJ, various blogs I read. I refresh the page over and over again, as if people actually update these things in the middle of the night.

Here's what I've discovered in tonight's waste of time internetting:

“After all, I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string.”

--Anne of Avonlea by L.M. Montgomery

Even though I never read the Anne of Green Gables books (I've always wanted to...need to add that to my reading list), I grew up on that TV miniseries with adorable redhead Megan Follows as Anne. My Mom had them on VHS. Both Green Gables and Avonlea were like four hours long but I watched them constantly growing up. I loved every second. I stumbled on the above quote on a Tumblr I follow called BookLover. It's the only blog that posts in the middle of the night since the author is from Turkey and on a different time zone. Anyway, I really liked that quote, and I think it's so true. I love simple pleasures. I try to keep a list of my favorite ones in hopes of starting a blog, but always forget them once I open up the list. Bah. And now I really want to watch the miniseries.

Another thing that BookLover posted tonight was a text/image thing that said: You know those nights when you can't fall asleep? Well, maybe it's because you are awake, in someone else's dream. Hmm. Innnnteresting.

Another find was a fiery LJ entry I wrote something like four years ago, about buying jeans. Some things never change, because I still feel like that every time I shop for jeans! But it was funny to read that entry, because I totally forget some things I say/write, such as refer to a pair of jeans that fit perfectly everywhere except the waist by saying that "I very nearly set the little cocktease on fire." I get very angry when I shop for jeans.

And of course I'm starting to get tired now, at 4:45 in the fucking morning. Blah.