Nighttime.

What is it about nighttime that brings out everything in my life that's painful and shines a spotlight on it all?

There's just something about nighttime. It used to be my favorite time, the time when I come alive the most. I'm a Night Owl, always have been. Even as a kid, staying up late to watch Saturday Night Live and Baywatch reruns. But I've recently been dreading sundown, because I know that even though it's pitch black outside, the darkness will still find some way to shine light on everything that hurts. Nighttime used to fuel me, now it delights in throwing salt in my wounds.

Does anyone else feel like this at night?

Meh.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.