Currently...

WATCHING:
Sooooo muuuuch Parks and Recreation. I don't know how I ever survived without Ron Swanson. Also watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and am totally in love with Data. And I really wish someone would just punch Wesley Crusher in his stupid face and then throw him off the Enterprise forever. Because I hate him.
I have a lot of feelings, okay?
Also just got done rewatching the Sex and the City movie for the first time in awhile. Yes, I realize how problematic that show/movie is in terms of it being drenched in stereotypes and white privilege. But I can't help loving it anyway, so deal with it. And in case you were wondering, I'm a Charlotte.

LISTENING TO:
I have "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat, and desperately want to sing it at karaoke now that I know I can hit all the high notes!
Also listening to a shit ton of Broadway showtunes, namely Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Mesa Encore Theatre will be holding auditions for that show soon and I would love to play Jolene) and Cabaret (aka my favorite musical ever, EVER, EVER).

PLANNING:
What the rest of my year will look like.
I found out last night, just after posting my list of various goals, that the cute indie coffee shop right across the street from my apartment is HIRING! Pretty fantastic timing, I must say, considering I had only just made the concrete decision to get a new job that day. I do hope it pans out. Even if it doesn't, I'm still not returning to my job this fall. I can always use the unemployed time to focus solely on school and learning how to become a functional human being, then go back to job-hunting after I graduate.
Also toying with some new interior design ideas for my room. I'd like to add a desk, reorganize my closets, get a beanbag chair (just because), and daydream about having enough room for an antique art deco vanity (even though I don't, unless I can move my smaller dresser into the closet...hmmm).

THINKING ABOUT:
School. I keep looking at my transcript thingie over and over again, because I basically can't believe I'm like four or five classes away from graduating. I need to work out some scheduling issues with my advisor, but then I should be all set for fall. I love you, ASU School of Dance, but I need to be done. Like right now.
Oh yeah, and I turn 26 next week?? Blahhhhhh.

READING:
I just finished up Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. SO good, SO creepy! I need her to release another fucked-up dark mystery novel ASAP!!
Now I'm in the dreaded between-books stage. I did just buy Dan Brown's new book on my iPad, so maybe I'll dive into that. I know his books are like literary junk food, but I am a shameless junk food enthusiast so I don't really care.

MAKING ME HAPPY:

• Performing. Not just being onstage, but the whole ritual of it. Picking up my green tea lemonade from Starbucks before heading to the theater, goofing around with my silly castmates, putting on my makeup and costume. Then taking it all off afterwards and heading home, ready to do it again the next night. I don't know...it's hard to explain. But I love it.
• PASSING MATH and being DONE with those classes forever and ever!
• Singing in my car all the time, and discovering I have a higher belt range than I previously thought.
• My pretty new dresser.
• Having stuff to look forward to in the (near) future as opposed to just bleak nothingness. I still don't know what my ultimate career path will be, but at least I have some things to keep me occupied until I figure it out.
• Poached eggs covered in Cholula on top of carnitas, potatoes, and cheese from Crackers & Company. Om nom nom.
• My supercute nieces and nephews.
• Eating ALL THE EEGEE'S! (It's a glorious local restaurant chain in Tucson.)
• This short piece on why Gillian Flynn writes about violent women: http://gillian-flynn.com/for-readers/
• Jenna Marbles. She makes me wish I was funny enough to do clever, pithy, silly vlogs. I particularly enjoy this video, 'cause it's totally true: 

Equus and Paralyzing Fear

I went to see the play Equus last night, put on by Nearly Naked Theatre in Phoenix.

(For those of you who don't remember, Equus is the play that Daniel Radcliffe performed in a few years back and everyone flipped out because his role required full-frontal nudity. And holy hell, full-frontal nudity there is! Both male and female.)

The show was phenomenal. It was long, but fascinating and deliciously cerebral. The story is a strange one, about a boy who randomly blinds six horses with a metal spike and the psychiatrist who takes on his case. But it delves into so many topics with abandon; religion, sexuality, psychology, family, emotional development...I was rapt.

Even though I haven't been active in some time, I still keep a close eye on the goings-on in the local theater scene here in Phoenix. Awhile back, I saw an audition notice for Equus. They had already cast the main roles, but were looking for actors/dancers to play the six horses. I immediately got the shivers. I wanted to do it so badly. I had every reason to: I'm a dancer, so the movement wouldn't be difficult for me. My favorite step in ballet is the pas de cheval, which translates to "step of the horse." I've even played a horse before in a musical called Man of La Mancha a few years back (and fucking rocked if I do say so myself). And yet, something kept me from sending in my headshot and resume. I had some concrete personal reasons...I don't have loads of time/energy to spare so rehearsing and performing may have been difficult on top of school/work, I was shy about wearing the sexy costumes (click on the link at the end of the entry, then ENTER to see what the male horses wore), and even more shy about the scars that cover my legs which would undoubtedly be on display if I was cast.

I realized last night that all those reasons were stupid.

The horses entered and moved gracefully and beautifully across the stage, wearing their gorgeous headpieces which transformed them into the illusion of horses, and I was immediately filled with so much regret. I could have pulled off the female costumes, and the scars would've been camouflaged by fishnet thigh-high stockings. I was only half-surprised when I felt myself starting to cry. I had missed out on an absolutely INCREDIBLE opportunity for reasons I thought were valid, but were really just paralyzing fear. I was scared of being vulnerable onstage again, scared of balancing school/work and rehearsals/performances, scared of meeting new people and experiencing new things. I was just fucking scared. Of everything.

I've always been scared. I'm a scared person with a lot of fears; some rational, some irrational. There was a period in my life where I was able to push through that fear and do scary things. I made myself do scary things, and often. But now I'm right back where I started from. Looking at the audition notice for a role I'm perfect for, and turning away to hide under the covers; acting like it's no big deal that I'm chickening out. It IS a big deal. This paralyzing fear is taking over my whole life and I can't stand it anymore.

So I'm done. I want to do scary things again. I don't want to miss out on opportunities like Equus anymore. I want to believe that I can handle scary things when I need to; that in the end they'll be beneficial to me and my life. Six gorgeous humans-as-horses have inspired me to not be scared.

I started that night. I walked straight up to the director of the show and introduced myself. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years (long story as to how that happened) but I've always been too shy to meet him in person. But we finally met last night. It felt good to overcome a fear, even if it was just a small one.

I don't want to be scared anymore. So I won't.

P.S. I might go see Equus again this weekend. If you get a chance and live in the Phoenix area, SEE IT. Even if you only go for the naked people. :) It's a great show. Visit http://www.nearlynakedtheatre.org for more information about the show and this great little theater company.

Thinking.

I love updating my website. I love writing my dance blog. I love putting promotional press-kit type packages together with my resume, demo DVD, references, business card, etc. and sending them to theaters. I love doing my work. I just need to find a way to actually get paid for that work more often. I'm pretty sure Sweet Charity scarred me for life. I feel like ever since we barely made it through that production process, I've forgotten how to do my job. And I forgot how it feels to NOT have to hold a show together with both hands. I am terrified of that happening again. I can't get over the fear that Sweet Charity instilled in me long enough to even think about sending out my DVD to theaters and asking them for jobs.

Another thing that keeps me from promoting myself is school. It is incredibly difficult for me to work on a show full-time while being in school full-time as well, as I found out the hard way with Ragtime and Sweet Charity. I'm trying to figure out how and if I should get back into choreographing musicals, and school is a major factor in that decision. While I get fantastic on-the-job training, working in theater often derails my school process. I start putting off school stuff to catch up on theater stuff, I don't spend time on campus, I don't focus on creating contemporary work or performing in pieces because I'm already too busy. It's just not possible to balance both. If all goes to plan, I should be graduating in three semesters. But that's a hell of a long time to go without being in theater. Plus there are some amazing shows going on next season that I would love to choreograph. I can't wear myself too thin again, but I also don't like having to choose between school and theater. I'm so confused. Meh. But I suppose there are things I can do in the meantime to keep up with theater people, like getting my dance-class-for-actors thing off the ground. I think I found a good space for it; I just need to inquire about pricing and scheduling and whatnot.

In other news, I finally went to the SRC today (ASU's rec center). I've been meaning to go forever, but have NOT had the energy or motivation. Today I dragged myself there and did 25 minutes on the bike and swam 12 lengths in the pool. I'm SO rusty and out of shape, and am now ridiculously sore. But I did it. It was like pulling teeth, but I did it. I feel kind of silly for being proud of myself...but I really haven't been able to do much of anything until now so it's a bit of a big deal for me.

After I got home, I hopped in the shower and then painted my nails a beautiful deep shade of fuschia. It's about the same shade that I want to dye my hair when I go to my cut and color appointment this weekend! It's time for pink hair. I don't care if it further impairs my ability to get a job. There are some places that would embrace a freaky girl with freaky hair, and hopefully they'll hire me. But this is something I've wanted to do forever and if I don't do it now, I probably never will. Pink hair, ahoy!

You would think I'd feel happy on nights like this. Content. But all I really feel is lonely. I hate that.

That's all for now. I'm currently curled up with wine and Inglourious Basterds (by myself). Bon soir.

Triptych: Apprehensively Determined

I) I don't understand how my classmates at ASU make it look so easy. I know one girl who does so much that she must run on an hour of sleep per night. Another girl somehow effortlessly double-majors and still finds time to stage manage. Another girl churns out these eccentric performance pieces, one after the other, like it's nothing. How exactly to they do it? And why is it so difficult for me? Do they struggle, or is it really that doable for them? I honestly have no idea how they do it all.

II) I've hit a point where everything has to be black and white. It can either be all good or all bad--I can't take the normal ups and downs anymore. I don't have the strength or desire to swim through shades of gray. At least when it's black or white, I have some idea of how to deal with it; how to live.

III) I was listening to West Side Story yesterday, and something just clicked in my brain. It's one of those shows that I'm not sure I could choreograph well because it's SO iconic that it feels like there's not much room for originality. Maybe even more iconic than Fosse shows. Most people just re-create each number from the movie. I'm going to change all that. I'm actually seeing movement sequences in my head, and feel like I'll be able to utilize the same mindset I used during Sweet Charity: maintaining the aesthetic and integrity of the original movement, but still choreographing it in my own style. I'm going to choreograph West Side Story. I'm thinking of gathering my dancer friends together, teach them some of the sequences that I'm seeing in my head for the show (and for Hairspray, too), burn it onto a DVD and send it to Mesa Encore Theatre. This is so happening.

Shrugging of the Shoulders

I did end up cancelling my PT audition. I kind of feel like a loser for doing so, but at the same time I'm okay with it. Meh. I spent the day sleeping, eating ice cream, doing crafty things, and watching Twin Peaks. Audrey Horne is my hero and one can never get enough Dale Cooper.

I think I might still audition for Little Shop at Hale later this month, since, oh yeah, I didn't get cast in Hairspray. Kind of made me a little sad since I would've loved to be in it and killed the dance audition (and in HEELS, damn it!), but I totally understand. I really think my fate with that show is to choreograph it rather than be in it. I look too much like a Tracy to be in the ensemble, and I'm not good enough to actually play Tracy. So I've decided to focus on the choreography side. Mesa Encore Theatre is doing it next summer, so I'm going to contact them now. Maybe I'll choreograph their West Side Story while I'm at it (if they get the rights, that is).

Still desperate for a job. I just applied to Barnes and Noble but haven't heard back yet. Dahh. My next applications will be for Changing Hands and the Apple store. And McDonald's. Because at this point, I'm so not above working at McDonald's. I just want and need a damn job.

It's nice to feel somewhat motivated to do stuff. I've spent many hours thinking that I won't last through this year so why bother making long-term goals. But I suppose the five thousand medications I'm jacked up on are starting to work because I'm not thinking that as often. Shrug.

The Night Before

My Phoenix Theatre audition appointment is tomorrow at 2. My resumes and headshots are printed and stapled, audition forms filled out, audition songs and monologue all practiced. But I'm actually thinking of cancelling. For some reason, my heart isn't in it. And I don't feel 100% ready, particularly with my monologue. I was originally going to do this great piece from Talk Radio, but it ended up being WAY too long. So the other day I switched over to Ilse's monologue from the Franz Wedekind Spring's Awakening (in the musical version, it's where she's talking to Moritz about her crazy life). I have it memorized and everything, but I'm worried about the last minute switch and don't feel ready to perform it. Plus, I really need to focus on school this fall and getting performance credit (meaning I need to actually audition for pieces and be more involved on campus instead of only doing theater). It's really difficult to do school full-time and rehearse a show at the same time.

Gahhhh I don't know.

I just don't feel ready and don't feel that into it. I'm only interested in doing Gypsy next season, anyway, and auditioning for one show doesn't really feel worth the stress and nerves. My printer has been on the fritz all week, too, and printing everything out was like pulling teeth. Maybe that's a sign. Bleh. I don't know. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Okay, then.

Wellllll I went ahead and botched my audition today. Nerves, completely blanking, my mind somewhere else. I've never been so humiliated at an audition. But I got through it and learned from it. I guess. It's not like I really had a chance of getting cast in anything there to begin with, but still...making a complete idiot of yourself is NOT fun.

More details later. Maybe. I kind of just want to curl up in a ball.

Annnnd good night.

P.S. Finding out last night that my ex-boyfriend is in town for the weekend didn't really do wonders for my concentration. But that's a whole other story. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I was going to go curl up in a ball.

Audition Frenzy

So. Tired.

May is chock full of auditions. I started tonight by auditioning for Hairspray at Desert Stages. It went...alright. I did really well with the dance portion, and did it in my three-inch LaDuca's, too! Bam! Dancing well actually surprised me, because I haven't done much dancing recently. It was a nice feeling. However, I went on to mess up my song, and I had a feeling that would happen. I was trying out "Show Off" from The Drowsy Chaperone as a test-run for Phoenix Theatre auditions, and sang a section with an odd key change against my better judgment. I did fine with it while I practiced on my own, but botched it tonight. BUT, I just started that bit over and finished well. I'm wondering if I should use a different section (even though the section I originally wanted to use has kind of a complex piano bit that I'm wary about giving to an accompanist to sight-read) or just use a different song. Hm. Live and learn. But I'm glad I messed up in a familiar environment like DST instead of at Phoenix Theatre generals. I'll find out about casting in the next couple weeks (hopefully).

In the meantime, I'm doing Southwest Shakespeare Company auditions this Friday, Phoenix Theatre auditions on the 14th, possibly doing Arizona Theatre Company auditions on the 17th, and if I don't get cast in Hairspray, I'll audition for Little Shop of Horrors at Hale on the 31st. I really miss performing, so I hope I get cast in SOMETHING. I'm really excited about the monologues I'm doing for once, all of them from shows I love. I'm using Linda's monologue from Talk Radio for Phoenix Theatre, and Juliet's sweet little monologue from Romeo & Juliet Act III Scene 2 for Southwest Shakespeare. On the off-chance that the Shakespeare guys request to see a second monologue (we have to prepare two, but the second one is only by request), I'm using the Tamora-as-Revenge one from Titus Andronicus. Yay! Now I just have to finish memorizing and working on the damn things.

I'm exhausted. Auditions tonight were lonnnng and draining. Time to crash.

 

"And when I shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars,
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act III, Scene 2)

Showsick/Homesick

I went to see Man of La Mancha at Mesa Encore Theatre tonight, and WOW did it make me miss the production of it that I was in two years ago. (Two years ago, seriously?) I was going to say that I feel "showsick" for it, but the term "homesick" is actually more accurate. There was something about that cast and that production that felt like home. I want to go back to that time, do it all over again, and just stay there.

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?"

--Man of La Mancha

Shhh.

I feel like I walk around all day with duct tape permanently over my mouth. Then I have recurring dreams where I scream at people.

My always-shut mouth is the one thing that will always keep me from being who I want to be. And no amount of therapy and pill-popping is going to change it. I can't talk, I can't stand up for myself, I can't move forward. I so badly want to say what's on my mind, but something always shuts me up. I don't know if it's insecurity, shyness, or crippling fear. Whatever it is, it has me locked up tight.

After Sweet Charity, I decided to stop choreographing shows for awhile. Until I can stand up to the assholes who make doing my job unnecessarily difficult, there's just no point in working. Every show would just be more and more disastrous. Sweet Charity was the ultimate disaster, and working on an artistic team where no one could fully take control showed me that. I could go on and on about how not everything about disastrous shows was directly my fault...Sure, it's hard to do the best job possible when the constant stress of working with micromanagers or disgustingly megalomaniac board members pretty much renders me creatively empty. But the fact is, the common denominator in every difficult show is ME. If I wasn't so meek, maybe things could have been a little bit different. Because the reality of working in the arts is that there are ALWAYS going to be those assholes who make the job harder. And then there will be assholes who make the former assholes seem downright pleasant in comparison. And so on, ad nauseam. I have to learn how to deal with that. I have to open up my stupid mouth. I have to be brave enough to cut out malignancies instead of allowing them to infect the entire process.

But I just can't.

And it's not just in theater. It's my entire life.

I can't take the quiet anymore. I really can't. But I don't know what to do.

Anticlimax and "Fiction" Reading

Sweet Charity closed yesterday. It's always bizarre closing on a matinee. Matinee performances almost always have mellower crowds, which is just weird energy to end a show on. In my experience with Phoenix community theater thus far, the second-to-last performance is always the best one...and I usually prefer to remember those performances as the "last" ones. I remember doing Man of La Mancha at exactly this time last year, and I remember our second-to-last show being electrifying. The house was completely sold out, I had tears streaming down my face during the finale (so good for high notes), and we got a standing ovation. Then the closing matinee the next day was...fine.

It was the same with Sweet Charity. Saturday night's performance was hands down our best of the run, despite some minor mess-ups. We had a big, responsive, energetic audience that was FULL of people I knew. Some I already knew were coming--Kay and her brother Paul who came up from T-Town (yayyyyy!), Marissa and Steve--and some I had no idea were coming and was so overjoyed to see! The incredible Felicia who was one of my Harlem dancers in Ragtime who I haven't seen in far too long, Jeff who played Tateh in Ragtime, Michael Stewart who I saw in World Goes 'Round last year at Desert Foothills but didn't officially meet in person until last weekend at the City of Angels cast party, and the wonderful Cat who was in Kiss Me Kate with me last year who came with her sweet husband Josh (they're such a great couple). I think that's everyone? It was just a blur of awesomeness so I may have forgotten some people. It was a great night. Annnnd then the closing matinee. My DST friends Chris and Jennifer came and it was so great to see them, but it was a pretty small crowd (Easter Sunday) and not our best performance. IT'S ALL JUST SO ANTICLIMACTIC.

After gathering all my stuff, saying goodbyes/see you laters (another anticlimactic part) and discovering that the restaurant I wanted to go to was closed for Easter, I grabbed Panda Express and went home. After I washed my face, ate, internetted, and watched some West Wing (DAMN that "18th & Potomac" episode!), all the post-show adrenaline had worn off completely and I was EXHAUSTED. Even the glorious new Star Wars review couldn't keep me awake! I watched one part, then ended up falling asleep. AT NINE O'CLOCK. I'm NEVER able to fall asleep at nine!

I woke up this morning at 4 AM, inexplicably craving pasta like mad, and couldn't go back to sleep. So I went through 63 pages of updates on my Tumblr dashboard--that's what happens when you neglect Tumblr for a few days--and watched some Gilmore Girls and started reading blogs.

There's this girl I was vaguely acquainted with in middle school and high school named Gina. I knew her because she was part of the musical theater crowd and I filled her soprano spot in the girl's quartet I sang with. Now she's a military wife, personal trainer, nutritional advisor and raw food chef who I recently discovered writes a prolific blog called The Fitnessista. I've been reading it a lot lately. Even if her writing is full of silly slang/substitute words (please don't ever call a banana a "nanner" around me), emoticons and Spanglish, it's still an enjoyable and fascinating read, and she really knows what she's talking about. I find it fascinating because I do NOT know how this girl has the energy for her lifestyle. She works out every day in addition to teaching group fitness classes and personal training appointments, and eats raw/vegan meals and snacks until dinnertime. The amount of effort that goes into that kind of diet just staggers me. I don't even know what the hell she's talking about half the time. Maca seeds? Millet croutons? Chia seeds? Shallor? Good GOD. Even if I wanted to take on a raw diet, I don't know what any of this IS let alone where to buy it or how to pronounce it.

I do wish I could cook, though. Or rather, have the patience and energy to cook. I also wish I could be as active as Gina is. She has all these fitness plans on her blog, and I was like "Oooh, I want to try!" ...and then I stopped reading halfway through because I knew there was no way I'd ever be able to do all that. These gym people fascinate me. Which is the reason I've been oddly addicted to her blog recently. I read blogs like this almost as if they're fiction, because I feel like a lifestyle like that is so impossible. That's really the only way I can describe it. And this is all similar to my weird addiction to reading The Pioneer Woman or various cupcake blogs for hours on end, as if I'd ever be capable of cooking like that. Even the easy recipes feel too hard and time consuming. Plus I have no idea how to dice garlic cloves or whatever the hell she does. So until my Fairy Godmother knocks me on the head with her magic wand and bestows some magical cooking/gym-going power on me, I live vicariously through these crazy blogs and wonder how they do it all.