Currently...

I have nothing to do at work and it's been about a month since I've done one of these. So here we go.

WATCHING: Lots and lots of The West Wing. I need to actually finish the series; I've only gotten through season three. I've also randomly been watching Bend It Like Beckham. It's a great feel-good movie. And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is so cute in it, even though in real life he's a belligerent asshole.

LISTENING TO: A lot of NPR, to be honest. I'm kind of sick of all my music at the moment. But I'm currently working on a solo about submission, and am trying to find a song to use for one of the sections...right now I'm thinking Yann Tiersen. So I've been listening to a lot of his work.

PLANNING: As I just mentioned, I'm planning out and choreographing a solo about submission. It starts out focusing on the sexual side, then delves deeper into how my submission runs so deep that I've let myself submit to self-destruction as well.

THINKING ABOUT: You. How much I miss my coworkers and regulars at the previous location I worked at (I was transferred to a new location recently). You. How much I fucking love my modern class and teacher (Ashleigh Leite) this semester and how scared I am that I'm going to fuck it all up again. You. How I'm kind of sick of my job and need a change. You. How much I love my iPad mini. You. How I don't know how to resolve this issue. You. How I may need to do intensive outpatient therapy and/or dialectical behavioral therapy. You. How much I need to talk to you. Oh, and you.

READING: I started reading The Virgin Suicides and was enjoying it, but then I started reading Gone Girl and got sucked into that. So the former book has temporarily been moved to the back burner.

MAKING ME HAPPY: My cat. Getting some kind of catharsis. Dancing my modern teacher's amazing choreography. And that's about it at the moment.

Currently...

Loving: My new job. It's crazy and fast-paced, which is terrifying but thrilling. And it's exactly what I signed up for. I'm also loving that autumn, my favorite season, is tantalizingly near!! I can't wait to listen to my favorite autumn music (mostly a lot of Nickel Creek), for some cooler weather, for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and for all things pumpkin (especially pumpkin ale)!

Reading: I'm still plodding along in Julie & Julia...I just haven't felt much like reading lately, so it remains unfinished. I'm hoping I'll have more recreational reading time once I get used to my crazy school and work schedule. Additionally, I'm reading some interesting books for school. I'm taking a class in Religion and Popular Culture, and the book list for that is pretty great. Next week I have to read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, which I've actually already read but it was a loooong time ago. So I get to re-read it, which I don't mind...Dan Brown books are like literary candy. Om nom nom.

Watching: Morning Glory. I know I've written about this movie on here before...I freakin love it! Other things I've been watching include 28 Days (totally underrated Sandra Bullock flick), Easy A, and Best in Show. I was also thinking a lot about The Nightmare Before Christmas yesterday, so I definitely think that's due for a re-watch. It'll get me all excited for autumn, too!

Thinking about: Unfortunately the main thing I've been thinking about is something I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Sorry! I've also been thinking a lot about how much I relate to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas in terms of feeling overlooked, as well as her ability to see beneath the surface of things yet no one listens to her intuitions. I've also been thinking about how much I relate to the character of Amelie from the movie of the same name (which just happens to be my #1 favorite movie EVERRRR), in that we both tend to lose ourselves in helping people. And we also help others often at great personal expense. Sighhh.

Surprised by: My ability to catch on to my new job. The list of duties is long and complex, but I'm doing pretty well. A lot of my co-workers have commented on how they're surprised that I just started a couple weeks ago because I'm doing so well. Yay! :)

Making me sad: I realized that yesterday would have been my sister's 36th birthday had she not passed away in 1996. August 28th always happens to be a shitty day for me, and I think it's because I always have thoughts of her lingering in the back of my mind.

Making me happy: It actually feels pretty good to dance again. I didn't dance much all summer which I was kicking myself for, but I realize now that it was probably a good idea to step away from movement for a little while. Last semester, I was starting to hate dance. It just felt painful and bad to move in my modern and ballet classes, and that was very straining both physically and emotionally. But the time away must have done me some good, because I've been feeling pretty great in my modern class so far. I think a lot of that has to do with my amazing teacher, though! She rocks and her pedagogy just works really well with my body.

Barely There

I'm...in kind of a weird place right now. I'm really just sick of myself. Like, can't stand the sight of me let alone allow others to look at me. I stayed home from school on Wednesday because I just couldn't stomach the thought of people watching me struggle. I literally couldn't leave the house.

I don't feel like a dancer anymore. Dancing hurts. Everything hurts. And I hate it. My hormones are all out of whack, which has made me put on exorbitant amounts of weight. And it makes it very difficult to lose weight as well. I'm at the point where I'm officially too fat to dance. I look fucking ridiculous in class, huffing and puffing, pretending like I belong there. I don't. Feeling like this makes me not want to dance anymore. All my issues with my feet and joints...I'm acting like it's some medical mystery as to why I'm in pain. It's because I'm fat. I need to lose weight, but I can't. I'm dancing five fucking times a week and still embarrassingly overweight...I can't take it anymore. I wish I could give up.

The worst part about this is that I'm barely there in class. I give like 10% at any given time, even in Modern where I'm more comfortable. In ballet, it's more like 5%. I'm not even trying. I have no desire to try because even the little movement that does feel good looks awful when I see it in the mirror. And don't tell me otherwise, because you're lying. The music sounds like it's mocking me, too. Drum beats and piano chords that were once comforting are just oppressive now.

Everything hurts, everything looks horrible. I'm sick of it. I need the semester to be over.

Moving Day!

Today is the day! I'm sitting here all awkward while the movers load all my stuff into the truck. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing. So I thought I'd write.

My poor Ragnar kitty was scared shitless when the movers arrived! As I knew he would be. He ran up on the counter and tried to hide behind the stuff on top of the fridge, which didn't work out too well. He finally ran into the back room and I shut the door so he could freak out in peace.

Even though today is moving day, I still have a couple of small boxes that aren't fully packed yet, like toiletries and kitchen stuff. But they're light enough that I can schlep them over by myself later. Then there's a lot of stuff in the garage that is all going to be recycled or going to Goodwill, and I have to pack that up and get rid of it. Then there's a massive amount of cleaning to be done before I'm officially moved out. So I've got a good few days of work left here. But at least I'll have the majority of my stuff over at the new place, ready to be unpacked. My goal is to be completely settled in by the time school starts.

The movers are just about ready to go, so I'll sign off for now. Think happy, efficient thoughts for the cleaning/unpacking process!