Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.

Currently...

I have nothing to do at work and it's been about a month since I've done one of these. So here we go.

WATCHING: Lots and lots of The West Wing. I need to actually finish the series; I've only gotten through season three. I've also randomly been watching Bend It Like Beckham. It's a great feel-good movie. And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is so cute in it, even though in real life he's a belligerent asshole.

LISTENING TO: A lot of NPR, to be honest. I'm kind of sick of all my music at the moment. But I'm currently working on a solo about submission, and am trying to find a song to use for one of the sections...right now I'm thinking Yann Tiersen. So I've been listening to a lot of his work.

PLANNING: As I just mentioned, I'm planning out and choreographing a solo about submission. It starts out focusing on the sexual side, then delves deeper into how my submission runs so deep that I've let myself submit to self-destruction as well.

THINKING ABOUT: You. How much I miss my coworkers and regulars at the previous location I worked at (I was transferred to a new location recently). You. How much I fucking love my modern class and teacher (Ashleigh Leite) this semester and how scared I am that I'm going to fuck it all up again. You. How I'm kind of sick of my job and need a change. You. How much I love my iPad mini. You. How I don't know how to resolve this issue. You. How I may need to do intensive outpatient therapy and/or dialectical behavioral therapy. You. How much I need to talk to you. Oh, and you.

READING: I started reading The Virgin Suicides and was enjoying it, but then I started reading Gone Girl and got sucked into that. So the former book has temporarily been moved to the back burner.

MAKING ME HAPPY: My cat. Getting some kind of catharsis. Dancing my modern teacher's amazing choreography. And that's about it at the moment.

Currently...

Watching: Rewatching Mad Men so I can catch up on the last couple of seasons. I stopped watching a couple episodes into the third season, I think. And that was awhile back, so rewatching is necessary so I can remember everything that's happened thus far. I'm almost done with the second season, which is painful to watch mostly because I fucking HATE Bobbie Barrett, and she won't go awayyyy! Plus there are other excruciating moments that are hard to watch...Mad Men always tip-toes on the line that separates it from being completely horrifying.

Listening to: The Show Your Bones album by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, lots of Regina Spektor, some Kate Nash, a little Rufus Wainwright, with bits of the Next to Normal soundtrack thrown in.

Planning: Not much, really. Winter Break is coming up, and the only thing I have planned (besides going home for Christmas) is to straighten up my apartment and do a ton of laundry.

Thinking about: How I've been so completely fucked over, it's not even funny. And I just let it all happen...I'm so easy to toss aside because I'm too nice. I can't really go into further detail, but needless to say--it feels horrible.

Reading: I just finished re-reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch, which is one of my favorite books EVER. I've re-read it once a year since I was fifteen, it's that incredible. Now I'm between books, which I hate. I've been poking around in Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, another one of my favorite books. I'm thinking of re-reading The Bell Jar or picking up where I left off in Sylvia Plath's diaries...although maybe that's not a good idea since it's all very triggering. But I'm just that masochistic, I guess.

Making me happy: Echhh, not much. :/ If I had to choose, I'd say definitely the supercute customer at work that I have a crush on (never going to happen, but a girl can dream). And my Amazon wish list for Christmas. It's full of books about dance and movement therapy and whatnot.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been alternating between two of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation and The West Wing. Both are brilliant! And I think Parks and Rec is hands down the funniest show on TV right now. I need to catch up on the recent episodes.

LISTENING TO: My recent playlist includes Lady Gaga, Mumford & Sons (I neeeeed to check out their new album!), Janelle Monae, and Katy Perry. All of which sound freaking amazing in my car's sound system. I often get strange looks from my neighbors when I drive through my apartment complex, and am temporarily confused until I realize that I'm blasting my music so loud that I'm basically a discotheque on wheels.

THINKING ABOUT: Why in the hell everyone around me was on my back today. My condescending manager, bitchy customers, Facebook friends who responded to my post about having to re-take my math class for the fifth time by telling me I need to get a tutor (guess what, bitches, I DID have a tutor and STILL couldn't pass! So why don't y'all go fuck yourselves!), and even the snotty salon receptionist who bitched me out when I had to cancel my appointment. Grrr. Just one of those annoying days, I guess.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT: School things, mostly. Mehhh. I wrote my advisor kind of a desperate email and she responded by saying she'll be out of the office until Tuesday and will get to it then. Thaaaanks for nothing. I'm also trying to figure out how to muster up enough energy to work yoga back into my life.

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Things are so bleak right now that it's hard to look forward to things. But I do have various lovely adventures coming up...Movies in the Park at the Biltmore, dancing "Thriller" at my friends' wedding reception (for realsies!), hopefully going to Disneyland! I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my family for Thanksgiving, and being reunited with my best friend who lives in San Francisco but will be coming to visit for Turkey Day!

READING: Still re-reading Angels & Demons for my Religion and Pop Culture class. I first read it in high school when I was more easily charmed, and I definitely realize this time around how cheesy and overdramatic Dan Brown's writing is. But I'm enjoying it, anyway. Guilty pleasure, y'know.

MAKING ME HAPPY: This was another thing I had to scour my brain for since I'm such a Negative Nancy lately. But the things making me happiest right now are my sweet kitty, the weather slowly changing, and hanging out with wonderful people.

Currently...

Loving: My new job. It's crazy and fast-paced, which is terrifying but thrilling. And it's exactly what I signed up for. I'm also loving that autumn, my favorite season, is tantalizingly near!! I can't wait to listen to my favorite autumn music (mostly a lot of Nickel Creek), for some cooler weather, for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and for all things pumpkin (especially pumpkin ale)!

Reading: I'm still plodding along in Julie & Julia...I just haven't felt much like reading lately, so it remains unfinished. I'm hoping I'll have more recreational reading time once I get used to my crazy school and work schedule. Additionally, I'm reading some interesting books for school. I'm taking a class in Religion and Popular Culture, and the book list for that is pretty great. Next week I have to read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, which I've actually already read but it was a loooong time ago. So I get to re-read it, which I don't mind...Dan Brown books are like literary candy. Om nom nom.

Watching: Morning Glory. I know I've written about this movie on here before...I freakin love it! Other things I've been watching include 28 Days (totally underrated Sandra Bullock flick), Easy A, and Best in Show. I was also thinking a lot about The Nightmare Before Christmas yesterday, so I definitely think that's due for a re-watch. It'll get me all excited for autumn, too!

Thinking about: Unfortunately the main thing I've been thinking about is something I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Sorry! I've also been thinking a lot about how much I relate to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas in terms of feeling overlooked, as well as her ability to see beneath the surface of things yet no one listens to her intuitions. I've also been thinking about how much I relate to the character of Amelie from the movie of the same name (which just happens to be my #1 favorite movie EVERRRR), in that we both tend to lose ourselves in helping people. And we also help others often at great personal expense. Sighhh.

Surprised by: My ability to catch on to my new job. The list of duties is long and complex, but I'm doing pretty well. A lot of my co-workers have commented on how they're surprised that I just started a couple weeks ago because I'm doing so well. Yay! :)

Making me sad: I realized that yesterday would have been my sister's 36th birthday had she not passed away in 1996. August 28th always happens to be a shitty day for me, and I think it's because I always have thoughts of her lingering in the back of my mind.

Making me happy: It actually feels pretty good to dance again. I didn't dance much all summer which I was kicking myself for, but I realize now that it was probably a good idea to step away from movement for a little while. Last semester, I was starting to hate dance. It just felt painful and bad to move in my modern and ballet classes, and that was very straining both physically and emotionally. But the time away must have done me some good, because I've been feeling pretty great in my modern class so far. I think a lot of that has to do with my amazing teacher, though! She rocks and her pedagogy just works really well with my body.

Currently...

Reading: Catching Fire, aka the second Hunger Games book. Loving it! Shit's getting cuh-razy! These books are totally creepy, which I love. And they're pretty quick reads, which I love even more. I'm also plodding along in Naked by David Sedaris. I'm so looking forward to school ending so I can have more time to just curl up and read.

Watching: I haven't been able to watch Doctor Who ever since my trip to New York in January 2011 (long story), but I sucked it up and rewatched the pilot just now. Oddly satisfying. Watching mannequins come to life and kill people makes me think of my friend Christian, who is terrified of mannequins and therefore could never watch this show! I've also been watching Parks and Recreation. Hands down the funniest show on television.

Working on: Getting through the last few days of school. This is seriously the slowest week of my life! I just want this semester to be OVER so I can have some time to myself, and actually have time to find a job. I've been applying everywhere--Jamba Juice, Olive Garden, Apple, Starbucks, Whole Foods, Wildflower and more--but haven't heard back. :/ But once school is out, I'll have time to be more vigilant about getting hired.

Thinking about: How much better I'll feel once school is out! Sorry to sound like a broken record, I'm just SO ready for the semester to be over.

Anticipating: The tasty pizza I just ordered from Mellow Mushroom. Their crust is to die for.

Listening to: The playlist I made for the Undergrad Show, particularly "Start Wearing Purple" by Gogol Bordello. I really want to choreograph a silly piece to that song.

Eating: Super crappy food. Yet another reason why I'm looking forward to the semester being over is that I'll have the time and energy to clean out my currently disgusting fridge and refill it with good, whole foods.

Wishing: That I pass all my classes. My attendance this semester has been atrocious. I blame not getting a long enough winter break! But I'm doing lots of extra credit work, so hopefully I'll get passing grades.

Thus Far...

The first two days of school have come and gone, and I somehow made it through. It was so weird starting on a Thursday...but I guess it was nice to only have two days of class before the weekend! I miraculously woke up at around 7 AM each day, and had time to eat breakfast and take my time getting ready for the day. Eating a good breakfast with a cup of coffee, as well as snacking between classes, helped significantly in getting through the day. Particularly on my 9:45 AM - 5 PM days. But it wasn't just food that got me through; I think I'm starting to feel somewhat "normal" again (knock on wood). By that, I mean it wasn't like pulling teeth to get through the day. I did have moments in class where I was struggling, but that's to be expected. And trudging around campus in the heat wasn't easy either. But I was actually able to do it all, which was a huge relief. Next week will be the true test of how the rest of the semester is going to go, however. We'll see if I can get through an entire week of classes. I think I can, as long as I keep taking care of myself.

I'm excited about my classes! I'm taking Modern, Ballet, Transition Projects (our senior capstone class), 3rd Year Creative Practices (which focuses on community dance; I'm taking it to make up for the semester I missed), and a Shakespeare class. It feels so great to be dancing with all my favorite ASU students and teachers again. And I'm especially excited about the Shakespeare class! My teacher rules. Which is so great...a class can be ruined so easily by a boring teacher. But our teacher is really funny and, more importantly, passionate and enthusiastic about the material which makes his lectures fun to listen to. And I love that his favorite Shakespeare play is Cymbeline. Such an out-of-the-ordinary choice. We'll be reading that later this semester. We have a ton of reading to do each week, but hopefully I can handle it.

I'm nervous about my capstone class, mostly because adjudications for the senior project concert are in NOVEMBER. That's in like five seconds. Meaning I have to get my project together enough to be adjudicated by then...Gahh. Luckily, I've been researching and brainstorming all summer on the idea I'm thinking of pursuing: a piece about the Red Scare and Cold War tentatively called Duck & Cover. I've always been obsessed with that era, and especially with Soviet propaganda, so I think it'll be a meaty subject to choreograph about. I just hope I can get everything together in time for adjudications.

I'm really enjoying living alone so far. My apartment is cozy and the complex is really nice. Living alone is by nature a little lonely, but in a good way. It's so nice to come home to my own space and not have to deal with being around people. It's peaceful and very liberating. Plus my amazing kitty is always around to keep me company! I'm still getting settled in and STILL have cleaning to do at Jonathan's (starting school kind of had me sidetracked), but hopefully I'll be all done by the time Kaylene comes to visit next week. :)

That's about it for now. I'm leaving you with a snippet from an anti-Communist propaganda film that I discovered on YouTube while doing research for Duck & Cover...hopefully it'll teach you how to sniff out those evil Commies!

Tangent Triptych

I) So much packiiiiiiing. The worst part of moving. I have about a billion of those small banker boxes packed (I refuse to subject movers to a huge box full of books) and I'm only about halfway done. Aghh. It'll all be worth it, though. I have to keep remembering that.

II) Today I put together my dining room table. It was a stubborn little bugger, but I DID IT. And it looks supercute. Take that, you tricky IKEA Swedes! You can't fool me! I've discovered that putting together furniture yourself is both infuriating as all hell and completely satisfying at the same time.

III) My Mom and I unpacked all the little appliances we bought and the stuff I got for my birthday. My kitchen already looks like a kitchen! Only it doesn't have food in it yet. Ha. But at least it looks cute!

And that's about all I can muster right now. I'm a sleepy girl who has lots more packing to do tomorrow. *sleepy wave*

Movin' On Up

I got my keys today! And I got to see my apartment. I was worried that mine wouldn't be as cute as the unit I saw on the tour, but I was wrong to worry because it's ADORABLE. Cute little living room and dining room, cute little kitchen, cute little everything! I'm so excited to get all my stuff in there and start unpacking and decorating. The rest of the day was spent buying and putting together a coffee table and TV stand from IKEA. I usually suck at putting things together, but it actually wasn't too bad at all! The only bad thing is that the coffee table ended up being bigger than the TV stand and it looks a bit awkward...oops. I'll figure out what to do about that later this week. Tomorrow my Mama and I are heading back to IKEA to buy bigger furniture like a sofa and dining room table, and then possibly head to Target to get some kitchen stuff (I got a lot of sweet kitchen stuff for my birthday, but still need a few appliances like a blender, coffee maker, etc).

Woo-hoo! I'm so exciiiiited. I'm trying to fall asleep, but I'm too antsy. I keep thinking about stuff to do and lists to make and flipping through decorating ideas.

In other news, I stopped by the new Oregano's that's opening up in south Tempe to drop off an application. Unfortunately, they already hired enough people for the opening. Damn it! But the manager said that they may need more people in about a month. I'm crossing my fingers that they hire me then, because I reeeeally need a job. I had fun filling out the application; I hope they get a kick out of my responses. One of the questions asked about the funniest thing that's ever happened to you--I chose the time I fell down in an elevator full of people at IKEA while wearing a skirt! Bahaha. It was fun to reminisce about that shining moment in my life.

Whaaaat a day. And it's only the beginning. LOT'S to do before the movers come on Saturday!

And In Other News...

I forgot to mention this earlier, but the application for my apartment was approved! BAM! I move in August 8th. I've got lists made, IKEA furniture picked out (but I won't buy it until I move in), a tentative floor plan design laid out, and a binder full of interior design inspiration. I can't wait! The next month and a half are going to go by so slowly.

I've been trying to take more dance and yoga classes recently so I can try to get back in shape. I've definitely been struggling, but things are starting to look up a little bit. I took class this morning from Carley, who was my modern teacher last fall, and it actually felt great! Taking class hasn't felt great in a really long time. I'm still rusty, but at least it felt good to dance again. Yoga has been feeling really great as well, but that's not a surprise. I'm so grateful for the studio/cafe that I go to (Inside the Bungalow)...it's a beautiful place, the staff is amazing, and I feel such a sense of community there. They have a donation-based class called Yoga Talks on Wednesday nights where we discuss yoga philosophy and how to apply it to our lives; it's been so wonderful and I've been learning a lot. I'm hoping to work my way back to tougher classes like Ashtanga once I get a little more in shape (Ashtanga is crazy, but amazing). YAY YOGA. I very badly want to work in cardio and swimming as well. Hopefully, if I keep up with classes and whatnot, going back to modern and ballet classes this fall won't be such a shock.

Hail Mary Pass

So, a few weeks ago in the middle of the night, a somewhat odd idea popped into my head. I decided to write letters to artistic directors of various contracted/professional theaters in the Valley asking them if I could observe rehearsals or shadow the choreographer on one of their musicals next season. I don't want to be an intern or get paid or anything like that, I just want to sit and watch. If I want to take choreographing musicals to the next level, I figured watching the production process of a professional theater might be a good thing to do. If this isn't possible, I asked if I could have a meeting to talk about how their theaters work. I included my artistic and work resumes, a list of professional references, my business card, and a DVD of my demo reels with the letter. Katy-in-an-envelope, off to Phoenix Theatre, Arizona Theatre Company, Hale Centre Theatre, and Arizona Broadway Theatre. I have no idea if this will work, if any of them will say yes, if they'll get the letter or even read it. But I suppose it can't hurt to try. Plus, it was good marketing practice. And kind of fun putting these bundles together.

I took my first modern class in months today. Karen let me drop in to her level II class. I got through and guess it went alright, but it's frustrating to feel so out of shape and out of touch with my body. The fact that I've put on so much weight that I can't even look at myself doesn't help, either. Meh. But I guess it's good to get moving again, especially if I intend on coming back full time next semester. I just need to suffer through being out of shape for awhile.

Still looking for a job, which is thoroughly irritating. I've filled out a million applications but have only heard back from two places; one interview one not-interested. Aghh. It doesn't help that all of these applications are online. I hate sending them out into an abyss where I have no idea if they'll be read or not. So I think I'll use my leftover self-marketing energy from contacting theaters to physically go to each place with a cover letter, resume, reference list and availability (I'm even willing to adjust my sleep schedule so I can work opening shifts at Starbucks or McDonald's). SOMEONE HIRE ME, PLEEEEASE. I desperately need a job.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm taking a beginning painting class every Monday through Tempe Parks & Rec. And I love it! I was nervous about it since I can't draw, but the class actually focuses on learning how to use different kinds of paint rather than learning how to draw. Which is EXACTLY what I was looking for -- I art journal/make mixed-media collages as a hobby, and want to learn how different paints work so I can use them in my collages. The teacher is fabulous, I'm learning a lot, and get a three hour block of time each week to turn my brain off and play with paint. It's a relief to have something to look forward to.

Not much else has been happening recently. I'm still popping pills and getting used to each medication; I'm almost at the point where I'm supposed to feel something other than side effects, so we'll see how it goes. Still getting awful nightmares, too, and still feeling crappy-but-can't-sleep-through-it. Which is why I haven't really been updating, because all I usually end up doing is whining. Eh.

Time for bed now. Sleepy wave.

"It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes.
This is broadly true. But heaven has the best choreographers."
--Good Omens, Neil Gaiman & Terry Prachett

Early Morning Updates

• I had the chance to talk with Claudia La Rocco just before her ASU residency ended. We met up on campus for a bit and I got to pick her brain. I think it went pretty well...she told me a lot about the goings-on of a journalist, and gave me some great advice, insight and ideas. I was really nervous, though, and feel like I came off as an awkward bumbling idiot. It's like I spend so much time alone that I forget how to talk to people. Or something. But I suppose feeling awkward but still getting good perspective is better than not contacting her at all.
  
• I participated in a fabulous Flash Mob recently, and it was a blast. It was so nice to see lovely people like Kathryn and Cat who I rarely get to meet up with. (That should change, because they're awesome.) It was also great to be there for everyone, even if I didn't personally know the woman who the flash mob was commemorating.
  
• I never really followed up on the hospitalization situation, mostly because it was a disaster. And a disaster that absolutely could have been prevented. Basically, without going into details since it's a private family thing, being hospitalized didn't happen. It should have, but didn't. And I wish I could go back in time and just NOT consider it as an option. It was hard enough to make that decision, and even harder to actually prepare for and to tell people it was going to happen. I told my teachers, withdrew from classes, stocked up on cat food and litter for Ragnar and was about to ask my roommate if he could take care of him while I was gone, and started packing. None of which was easy or pleasant, especially running on so little energy and an inescapable feeling of wanting to die. For things to play out the way that they did after all that, I'm just humiliated. Now, I'm back to struggling to make and get to doctors appointments, being put on different meds and blah blah blah. Same shit, different day. As mentioned in an earlier post, one of the medications I'm on is more or less an upper to keep me awake. And it has kept me awake, but hasn't changed my mood. So I still feel like shit, only now I can't sleep through it.
  
• I'm doing a blogger meetup thing today. I'm really nervous about it because I hate meeting new people, and the thought of having to socialize/make conversation for an entire day makes me anxious as all hell. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I guess to talk about blogging? See what various AZ bloggers are like in person? I don't know. We're doing a lot of poking around downtown Phoenix, though, and I've been wanting to familiarize myself with that area more. So that's good? I meant to get plenty of sleep tonight since I'm nervous about the meetup and need time to get ready for it in the morning, buuuut despite being tired, I've been too nervous to allow myself to sleep. Agh. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Stalemate

I am so damned exhausted right now, physically and mentally, that I can only give headlines about this ridiculous week:

• The sleep study was a disaster. Mostly because...I couldn't fucking sleep. And I'm pretty sure it was 99% my fault. The other 1% having to do with the five million wires stuck to my face, neck, chest, legs, and fingers. Basically, it was an epic FAIL. Waste of my time, the clinic's time, and my parents' money. It'll take a week or so to get the results, but I doubt they gleaned anything from my 30 minutes of being half-asleep and 5 1/2 hours of trying in vain to fall asleep for real. (And I also hate the word "glean." The fact that I willingly used it in a sentence should say something about how sour I feel about all this.)
• I thought that making and accepting the decision to be hospitalized was going to be the difficult part. It's not. It turns out that the process of trying to find the right facility and be admitted has been the most frustrating, exhausting, and ridiculously taxing experience of my life. Mostly because my parents and I can't get on the same page about anything. And stupid family problems that we've been dealing with for years have decided to rear their ugly heads at the WORST possible time. I wish I could get into the specifics, but it really wouldn't be appropriate to blog that openly about these family issues. Basically, I feel like we're at a stalemate. Nothing is getting done. And I'm so frustrated that I feel like tearing my hear out.
• I just want to sleep. All the time.
• The ONE positive thing about this week is that my hair has finally decided not to be greasy and disgusting anymore. At least for the time being. I don't know what the deal was, but I'm glad that I don't look like a ragamuffin anymore.

Ugh, never again.
(Except I probably will have to get another stupid sleep study done soon. Especially if they suspect narcolepsy.) (Echhhhdlskgjaglkjmads.)

Things

GOOD:

• Spent a couple hours with my family in Tucson yesterday to celebrate my Adoption Day (which is actually the 15th, but I'll be out of town). Played Scrabble and my Mom sent me back with a pumpkin pie. Om nom nom. She also got me a Disney Princess greeting card that plays "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." 'Cause I'm five years old, for real.
• Went shopping at Old Navy today because I desperately needed some new jeans. Turns out they were still having massive clearance sales, and I ended up getting a quite few pairs of jeans at deliciously low prices. Including a pair of skinny jeans! And they all look really good on me, which rarely happens. Scorrrre.
• My Dad called earlier to ask me to send him some ASU tuition statements for tax stuff. The conversation wasn't all strained and awkward and felt a little more natural. I hope things will continue to get a little better between us.
• My doctors appointment the other day went pretty well. He took a billion vials of blood to run a bunch of different tests on and ordered a sleep study, which I'll probably do in the next few weeks. Anxiously awaiting results.
• Derek is coming to visit AZ tomorrow! I haven't seen him in at least a year so I'm excited to catch up.

CRAPPY:

• I'm exhausted and scary depressed ALL. THE. TIME. I was so tired the other night that I barely remember being at Marissa's epic Harry Potter birthday party. The one thing I do remember is being so tired that I had trouble talking to people because I couldn't think of the right words to use. Later in the evening, I went into my room to check something on my laptop, dozed off, and drifted awake at like 6 AM. My life.
• My hair is ridiculous. Every time I've washed it since getting it cut, it just turns out greasy and disgusting. I try to only use a tiny bit of shampoo/conditioner, but still can't wash all of it out. Or something. It's driving me insane. I'm also pulling large clumps out of it. Awesome.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL:

• Going to New York on Thursday to visit Steve. I feel like I really need to see him to get some closure, so I can figure out how to be friends. But I guess I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. I really just have no idea how to do this.
• School starts next week, and I don't know if I can actually handle it. I'm scared. And don't feel at all rested or refreshed from Winter Break, just more exhausted.

On the same page all along.

I hope to go into a little more detail later, because there's so much to explain.

But basically, Steve and I broke up last night.

While he was the one to initiate the conversation, it was definitely a mutual decision. And an amicable one. As far as break-ups go, I'm so thankful that ours was relatively smooth (for lack of better words). It wasn't messy or bitter or mean. Very painful and very sad, yes. But not messy. And I think we were more open with each other than we've ever been. The fact is that the core of our relationship is spending time together, and the distance just grew to be too much. But we love each other and care about each other very much; we still want to be in each others lives, be there for each other, and remain close friends. But we just can't be together. I know everyone says that they want to remain friends as a futile way to make it all sting less. But that's not how this is. I believe that we really will be friends. I have absolutely no idea how to do that after being romantically involved for over two years, but I know I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

That doesn't mean I'm not sad, though. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I'm very sad right now. And I wish things could have been different. I'm feeling a million things at once which is why I can really only give headlines right now until I process everything. The only expression that sums all this up right now is I don't know which way is up. Which made me remember exactly how I felt the day I dropped him off at the airport. I realized that the last thing I wrote on that day still applies now, just in a radically different context:

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.


So ready for some sad bastard movies now.

The meek shall inherit the Earth!

One of the movies I've been looking forward to seeing this season is Morning Glory. I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as the trailer made it out to be, but OHMAGOD. I'm overjoyed to report that it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. It was hysterical and attention-grabbing and inspiring. I am officially obsessed with Rachel McAdams' character, Becky. She's my new hero. While she's ambitious and hard-working, she's also sort of meek and scattered and awkward. But manages to completely kick ass. She keeps people in line and commands respect, but not in a way that's expected...in that she's in charge but still meek and awkward at the same time. Which is pretty much exactly how I want to be. I honestly liked the movie so much that I almost saw it AGAIN after I got back to Mesa tonight. But ended up feeling pretty worn out from not sleeping well last night and dealing with complete a-holes on the freeway. Plus I desperately wanted to spend some quality time with my kitty. :) So maybe I'll see it again tomorrow instead! (Ooh, and as an added bonus, Patrick Wilson is only a tiny part of the movie. Which is delightful because I CAN'T STAND HIM.)

Being in Tucson for Thanksgiving was nice, but I'm really happy to be back here. It was so great to see my family, especially siblings I hadn't seen in awhile! (Even though I was stupidly antisocial and kind of felt like a deadbeat family member sometimes.) Ooh, and I went through my bookshelves and plucked out a whole bunch of books that I'd bought years ago but either never got around to reading or just gave up on them halfway through. I've been ravenously devouring books recently, and I'm excited to dive into all these. But despite all that, I'm so happy to be back in Mesa. I missed my big bed, the kitties, fast internet, midnight bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and...I don't know, just being HERE. With all my familiar things. And with FREEWAYS. I can't remember how I used to function without freeways. As much as I love Tucson, there's just no way I'd ever be able to move back. Even visits longer than two days feel like moving backward. And I really just want to move forward now.

Update Triptych

I)
I finally started seeing a therapist. I was really anxious about my first appointment because I was worried she wouldn't "feel right" and I'd have to keep searching for another one, but luckily I instantly felt at ease with her. (Heh, it sounds like we're dating or something. We're not.) And it sounds silly, but she looks a lot like Judy Greer, which I find very comforting because Judy Greer is one of my favorite actresses. Also, she worked at ASU for years, so she has a lot of experience working with college students (she's even seen a lot of dancers) AND she knows her way around all the bureaucratic stuff there and is going to help me get a medical withdrawal. I honestly didn't think that I'd qualify for one, but apparently I do. It's a relief having a therapist who knows the system and has worked with a lot of people my age.
I've been going to her for almost a month, and I'm learning a lot. And verrrry slowly progressing, which is difficult because I'm impatient and hate baby steps. The sessions surprisingly always feel wayyy too short. I'm constantly feeling like I have so much more that I want to talk about than we have time for, and wish we could just talk for like six hours over a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Buuut we can't. So I'm learning to just take things slowly. She had me bring in some photos the other day, and it was really interesting to hear an outside perspective on all of them. I was pretty blown away by what she saw.
The subject of medication has come up, of course, but I'm really wary about it. I'm terrified of the side-effects, particularly with SSRIs, because they even have side-effects when you STOP taking it. Agh. But I'm thinking about it, because even though I'm learning a lot, the heaviness I feel is making it incredibly difficult to do a lot of the things I need to do. So I would love some perspective on SSRIs, pleeeease! You can message me on FB if you don't feel comfortable commenting on it here.
Even though progress is slow, I still feel a lot of relief just from starting therapy. I just wish I'd taken care of this years ago, before it wreaked this much havoc on my life.

II)
I'm auditioning for Phoenix Theater on May 23rd, and am so nervous! I've never really done season auditions before and feel really green. I desperately want in on these shows. I'm auditioning for Saraghina in Nine, obviously, because I want to play that role so badly it hurts! And I feel like I have a decent shot at it, even though I'm sure I'll be competing against every big curvy belter in Phoenix. Even if I don't get the role, I have a feeling another opportunity will pop up eventually. I'm also auditioning for Hairspray! I originally just wanted an ensemble role, but I'm shooting for Tracy. I thought I was too thin for the role (Ha! I don't think I've ever been able to say that before!), but everyone I've talked to says that they usually pad the actress even if she's already the right body type. Plus, I sang through the show on the way to Tucson the other day to make sure I could handle the role vocally, and I totally CAN. So, what the hell! I don't have anything to lose auditioning for Tracy, because I desperately just want to BE IN THE SHOW no matter what role!!!! Hairsprayyyy!
We have to prepare 16 bars of a ballad and 16 bars of an uptempo song, as well as a monologue. My dear friend JP, who directed Man of La Mancha, introduced me to "The Miller's Son" from A Little Night Music awhile ago and I instantly fell in love with it. So I'm singing that as my ballad (even if accompanists have trouble sightreading Sondheim...eek). And definitely adding Petra to my list of dream roles! I've finally decided on "Always True to You (In My Fashion)" from Kiss Me Kate as my uptempo song. I really wanted to do "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me, but I can't find the damn sheet music anywhere. But "Always True to You" is a little more upbeat, anyway, plus it shows off my range a little more. I chose a monologue from Catholic Schoolgirls, and am totally going to channel my 7 year old niece, Bryn. Because it's all stuff that she would totally say. I really need to get memorizing. Gahh. I'M NERVOUS! But excited. I'm hoping that I'll at least make it to the dance callback just based on my dance experience alone?
I'm also hoping to audition for Southwest Shakespeare that same weekend, if I can memorize two classical monologues in time. IT IS GOING TO BE ONE CRAZY WEEKEND. They're doing A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is my absolute favorite Shakespeare play. I've been in it several times as a kid, and would love to do it again. I think I'll shoot for Helena. Which is kind of funny, because I just played Helene in Sweet Charity. Helene to Helena! But, like with Hairspray, I'd be happy with any role. I just love that show and it's been way too long since I've done any Shakespeare.
Preparing for PT auditions has made me realize how much more of a range I have. I really thought I was just a solid alto, but I've been working a lot on my belt and can surprisingly hit much higher notes with it than I thought I could. And I know I could develop more control once I start taking voice lessons (the potential teacher I'm interested in hasn't emailed me back, meh). It's just been a constant surprise discovering this whole new part of myself. I almost feel like I could qualify as a mezzo-soprano (in the musical theater sense, not opera obviously), but I'm not sure. It does make me very happy, though!

III)
I'm going to Tucson today for Kay's graduation tonight, and Justine's graduation dinner tomorrow. My girls are all grown up! Justine just got a job offer in San Francisco and is apparently moving there in like five seconds. It makes me really sad, especially because I've been disgustingly out of touch with her recently (my fault), but I'm so happy for her of course. And happy to have a place to stay in San Francisco! I'm so excited to see two of my favorite ladies, and especially see them graduate. Buncha badasses.

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my life recently. Apologies for the verboseness.

P.S. I forgot to mention that we might be getting kitties. :D All I need to do is call up my friend Nathan who has them. Except that I HATE talking on the phone and am too nervous. (But I want kitties!)