Finallys and Updates. And Urinetown on my mind.

Today was a day full of FINALLYs.

I FINALLY...

• Begrudgingly woke up a teeeeeny bit earlier and therefore had a little bit more time to eat a light breakfast, have tea, and check internet things before getting ready and leaving for class. Of course, I did get kind of caught up in the high of having a little more time and ended up hanging out a bit longer than I should've and was a couple minutes late for class. Ha. But WHATEVA. I actually got there; I didn't sleep through it, or get there so late that I had to sit out and observe, or get there so late that I get too embarrassed to walk in and end up going back home instead. Baby steps.
• Had one or two brief moments in class where I actually felt some JOY in moving again. I've been struggling so much all year that I kind of forgot what it feels to genuinely enjoy dancing. Don't get me wrong, I still struggled a LOT in class and I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be. But having those few fleeting moments of enjoyment was a relief.
• Found an amazingly adorable weekender bag at Target! I plan on using it for my upcoming whirlwind trip to Boston and New York in a couple of weeks. I know from experience that trains and bulky luggage are the most pain-in-the-ass combination ever, so I've been on the hunt for a weekender bag that's big enough to hold whatever clothes/toiletries I need but is small enough that I can carry it without huffing and puffing and smacking people's ankles. I also wanted it for future short trips to Tucson and (hopefully) New York, since duffles and suitcases are just too much hassle for short trips. And I fiiiinally found one today that I love.
• Officially finished planning said whirlwind trip to Boston and New York. I'm taking an overnight flight to Boston on September 30th, seeing the glorious Amanda Palmer in Cabaret at American Repertory Theater in Cambridge on October 1st, taking the train into NYC on October 2nd to meet up with Steve and see the Batsheva Dance Company that night at the Joyce (!!!!!), then flying back to Phoenix on October 3rd (not until 7 PM-ish, so Steve and I can hang out a little more.) Planning this has been irritatingly difficult, but today I finished everything up; I booked my flight back to Phoenix, bought tickets to Batsheva, booked a hotel in Boston, and bought my train ticket from Boston to New York. SUCH a relief to have all that done.
• Remembered to start taking a multivitamin and Vitamin D supplement, as per my dietician's suggestion (more on that in a second). I bought one of those weekly pill organizers like a 70 year old woman so I can keep track of what I need to take each day. Along with the vitamins, I also put in the thyroid medication I've recently started on (more on that later, too). And over the next couple weeks to a month or so, I'll probably be adding a couple more medications to my old lady pill organizer as well.
• Figured out some kinks on my website that have been making the pages look all wonky. Suck it, iWeb!
• Uploaded my updated dance reel to YouTube, Vimeo, and Facebook. I finished it a million years ago, but kept forgetting to upload it.
• Got a picture of Ragnar sleeping with his paws over his eyes! So adorable! I've tried to capture this for ages, but he always moves whenever I reach for my camera. Because he's a jumpy little scaredy cat. But I finally got it!

D'awwww.

Miscellaneous Updates:

• SCHOOL: It's been hit-or-miss. I'm only taking two classes, one per day, but it's still a challenge for me to find the motivation to actually show up. Last week was particularly miserable and frustrating; I only made it to one class all week and just felt awful, ashamed, and guilty about it. But this week has been better. My Modern class was really tough at first. But after the first week or so, it went from feeling like unbearable hell-on-Earth to a manageable struggle. I have a different teacher (Carley Conder), so it was hard to get used to her style. But it's getting easier. The struggle comes from being out of shape, and being so fatigued. The fatigue is particularly frustrating because it fucks with my focus and memory, making it incredibly difficult to retain choreography. But I'm dealing. I've also kept Carley abreast of the whole health situation. (HA! I've never had an opportunity to use "abreast" in a sentence! I feel so delightfully pompous!) My other class is 3rd Year Seminar, which focuses on Community Dance. It isn't too bad so far. But despite that, it's still a constant challenge to just GET UP AND GO.
• HEALTH: Last month I started seeing an endocrinologist, who promptly ordered up lots of extensive blood work. As you probably saw on Facebook or Twitter, I actually passed out twice consecutively after getting one of the tests done! So awful. I got the labs back about a week later. They found a couple things, the main thing being insulin resistance: my blood sugar was normal, but my body was producing HUGE amounts of insulin to keep it normal, AND the cells are resistant to absorbing said insulin. They think this is what caused me to gain so much weight over the past year. They had me meet with a dietician to plan out which foods to eat and when, so it'll regulate insulin levels. I'm also considering the option of going on a medication that prevents the liver from producing excess sugar, which should also help regulate things. The dietician said that the only thing that will change the actual physiology of the insulin-resistant cells is by increasing exercise...which I've been wanting to do, but just haven't been able to. The labs also found a slightly underactive thyroid, so I started on some on low-dose medication to fix that. HOWEVER, none of this was severe enough to cause fatigue and depression to the extent that I've been experiencing. Which brings me to...
• MENTAL HEALTH: I've decided to try going on antidepressants. In all honesty, they still scare the living daylights out of me. But things have just gotten unbearable (this somewhat pleasant week has been the first in many miserable weeks), and I know I'm NOT going to be able to implement the lifestyle changes my endocrinologist and dietician suggested unless I get some kind of chemical help to alleviate the heaviness a little. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who I'm meeting next week to help me start all this antidepressant business. She also recommended that I go back to my primary care physician for an EKG and a sleep study referral to rule out heart issues or narcolepsy as a cause for the ridiculously extreme fatigue I've been experiencing. (We're talking sleeping 12+ hours a day and STILL feeling tired. It's horrible.) The fatigue combined with depression makes so many tasks impossible to do, from going to class or shopping for groceries, to even getting up to go to the damn bathroom. It's incredibly frustrating, particularly because there's nothing in my life that is conducive to me feeling THIS unhappy. So I'm willing to try almost anything to STOP feeling like this.
• STEVE: Well, he's 3000 miles away, and that blows. I really hate not having him around. We talk on the phone practically every day, and I just sent him his computer so he'll hopefully be getting Skype soon. But it's just difficult not having him HERE. The Amanda Palmer quote I posted definitely sums things up a little; he really does feel like an idea more than a flesh and blood memory. Things are okay and everything, but I really just don't know how to do this, and hate that he's so far away. I wish there was some kind of manual I could read or something. I recently rewatched the last season of Gilmore Girls for the first time since I finished it awhile ago. It was definitely pretty interesting watching it from the perspective of being in a long-distance relationship. I wrote down some great dialogue from an episode where Rory is struggling with how to actually be in an LDR. I'll definitely post it later, since it describes things way more eloquently than I could. I'm so looking forward to seeing him in NYC soon, even if it's only for like 24 hours. (Stupid school, and stupid me for using up all my excused absences already.) Hopefully I can go back soon after that; probably not for Thanksgiving, but definitely over winter break. OR, hopefully he can come back here to visit.
• MISC: I'm thinking of auditioning for Urinetown at Paradise Valley Community College. I lovelovelove that show and have always wanted to do it! Steve was in PVCC's Into the Woods, and they really did an incredible job with the show. The same director and choreographer will be working on Urinetown, too, so hopefully it'll be just as good as Into the Woods was. The only problem is that I'll be out of town the weekend of auditions, so if I schedule an alternate audition time, it will most likely be like NEXT WEEK. So it all depends on whether or not I can get my shit together quickly enough. If I go through with it, I'll probably audition for Little Sally since it'd be a fun role. But I honestly just want an ensemble role more than anything. Ensemble roles are a huuuge part of Urinetown, and that's one of the reasons I love the show so much. The ensemble is always hysterically funny! The only other problem is that PVCC is FAR, like a 45 minute drive (without traffic). But if I feel up to a) preparing audition pieces, b) being in a show, and c) driving all the way out there for rehearsal every day, then I'll do it. Because I freakin love that show!

And that's about it for now. I'll keep you updated on everything.

Update Triptych

I)
I finally started seeing a therapist. I was really anxious about my first appointment because I was worried she wouldn't "feel right" and I'd have to keep searching for another one, but luckily I instantly felt at ease with her. (Heh, it sounds like we're dating or something. We're not.) And it sounds silly, but she looks a lot like Judy Greer, which I find very comforting because Judy Greer is one of my favorite actresses. Also, she worked at ASU for years, so she has a lot of experience working with college students (she's even seen a lot of dancers) AND she knows her way around all the bureaucratic stuff there and is going to help me get a medical withdrawal. I honestly didn't think that I'd qualify for one, but apparently I do. It's a relief having a therapist who knows the system and has worked with a lot of people my age.
I've been going to her for almost a month, and I'm learning a lot. And verrrry slowly progressing, which is difficult because I'm impatient and hate baby steps. The sessions surprisingly always feel wayyy too short. I'm constantly feeling like I have so much more that I want to talk about than we have time for, and wish we could just talk for like six hours over a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Buuut we can't. So I'm learning to just take things slowly. She had me bring in some photos the other day, and it was really interesting to hear an outside perspective on all of them. I was pretty blown away by what she saw.
The subject of medication has come up, of course, but I'm really wary about it. I'm terrified of the side-effects, particularly with SSRIs, because they even have side-effects when you STOP taking it. Agh. But I'm thinking about it, because even though I'm learning a lot, the heaviness I feel is making it incredibly difficult to do a lot of the things I need to do. So I would love some perspective on SSRIs, pleeeease! You can message me on FB if you don't feel comfortable commenting on it here.
Even though progress is slow, I still feel a lot of relief just from starting therapy. I just wish I'd taken care of this years ago, before it wreaked this much havoc on my life.

II)
I'm auditioning for Phoenix Theater on May 23rd, and am so nervous! I've never really done season auditions before and feel really green. I desperately want in on these shows. I'm auditioning for Saraghina in Nine, obviously, because I want to play that role so badly it hurts! And I feel like I have a decent shot at it, even though I'm sure I'll be competing against every big curvy belter in Phoenix. Even if I don't get the role, I have a feeling another opportunity will pop up eventually. I'm also auditioning for Hairspray! I originally just wanted an ensemble role, but I'm shooting for Tracy. I thought I was too thin for the role (Ha! I don't think I've ever been able to say that before!), but everyone I've talked to says that they usually pad the actress even if she's already the right body type. Plus, I sang through the show on the way to Tucson the other day to make sure I could handle the role vocally, and I totally CAN. So, what the hell! I don't have anything to lose auditioning for Tracy, because I desperately just want to BE IN THE SHOW no matter what role!!!! Hairsprayyyy!
We have to prepare 16 bars of a ballad and 16 bars of an uptempo song, as well as a monologue. My dear friend JP, who directed Man of La Mancha, introduced me to "The Miller's Son" from A Little Night Music awhile ago and I instantly fell in love with it. So I'm singing that as my ballad (even if accompanists have trouble sightreading Sondheim...eek). And definitely adding Petra to my list of dream roles! I've finally decided on "Always True to You (In My Fashion)" from Kiss Me Kate as my uptempo song. I really wanted to do "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me, but I can't find the damn sheet music anywhere. But "Always True to You" is a little more upbeat, anyway, plus it shows off my range a little more. I chose a monologue from Catholic Schoolgirls, and am totally going to channel my 7 year old niece, Bryn. Because it's all stuff that she would totally say. I really need to get memorizing. Gahh. I'M NERVOUS! But excited. I'm hoping that I'll at least make it to the dance callback just based on my dance experience alone?
I'm also hoping to audition for Southwest Shakespeare that same weekend, if I can memorize two classical monologues in time. IT IS GOING TO BE ONE CRAZY WEEKEND. They're doing A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is my absolute favorite Shakespeare play. I've been in it several times as a kid, and would love to do it again. I think I'll shoot for Helena. Which is kind of funny, because I just played Helene in Sweet Charity. Helene to Helena! But, like with Hairspray, I'd be happy with any role. I just love that show and it's been way too long since I've done any Shakespeare.
Preparing for PT auditions has made me realize how much more of a range I have. I really thought I was just a solid alto, but I've been working a lot on my belt and can surprisingly hit much higher notes with it than I thought I could. And I know I could develop more control once I start taking voice lessons (the potential teacher I'm interested in hasn't emailed me back, meh). It's just been a constant surprise discovering this whole new part of myself. I almost feel like I could qualify as a mezzo-soprano (in the musical theater sense, not opera obviously), but I'm not sure. It does make me very happy, though!

III)
I'm going to Tucson today for Kay's graduation tonight, and Justine's graduation dinner tomorrow. My girls are all grown up! Justine just got a job offer in San Francisco and is apparently moving there in like five seconds. It makes me really sad, especially because I've been disgustingly out of touch with her recently (my fault), but I'm so happy for her of course. And happy to have a place to stay in San Francisco! I'm so excited to see two of my favorite ladies, and especially see them graduate. Buncha badasses.

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my life recently. Apologies for the verboseness.

P.S. I forgot to mention that we might be getting kitties. :D All I need to do is call up my friend Nathan who has them. Except that I HATE talking on the phone and am too nervous. (But I want kitties!)

THIS IS SO CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT!