Yes I Am!

Even though I know that people not liking me is simply an inevitable part of life, I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that someone out there hates every part of my existence. And for such a fucking stupid reason that could've easily been resolved had it not been so wildly blown out of proportion.

I can't help thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. There's this episode of Scrubs where JD has a girl on his mind, and Turk calls him out on it. JD denies that he's thinking of her, but then we go into his daydream and he's imagining her jumping on his back saying, "YES I AM!" (I wish I could find a clip of it on YouTube, buuut I couldn't. Sighh.) But anyway...That's how it feels. I deny that he's on my mind, and then it's like he's jumping on my back screaming, "YES I AM!"

He's always....there. Jumping on my back, walking past me on campus, sitting near me. I wish he would stop haunting me.

Maybe if he didn't hate me so much this all would be easier.

Moving On

I don't hate you.

 Maybe this further solidifies my status as a weak person. Maybe I SHOULD hate you. But no matter how hard I try, I just don't. You've made me angry and sad and heartbroken, yes. But when I think of you I don't feel the burning hatred that you seem to feel for me. I only feel gratitude for the good times, and both sadness and relief that it's over.

You should feel ashamed for feeling this way.
You should feel ashamed that instead of fighting for me and working through the problems, you chose to cut me off and bolt when things got difficult.

But despite it all, I still don't hate you and never will.

So enough now. I'm done. I'm moving on and letting you go, and it's time for you to do the same.

Land Mine

I fucking hate you.

I hate everything you've done to me.

I wish that I could rip your guts out, tear you apart--in hopes that you might feel even an ounce of what I'm feeling.

You were a bomb that went off, a land mine I stepped on, leaving nothing behind of me but mist and flecks of viscera.

I was finally somewhat ok. And you walked in--I thought there was only more good to come. But then you tossed me aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. And that's all I am now. I'm worth nothing, I am nothing. My days are now filled with blood and vomit and tears, all attempts to feel like I'm alive. Because ever since you laid eyes on me, I've slowly faded away.