Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.

Countdown

So, a few weeks ago, I emailed Phoenix Theatre's production manager inquiring about choreographing for them next season. I initially got a response saying that no positions were available, but they will definitely keep my information on file. Not too shabby, especially considering I never expected to get a response!

THEN.

I got another response. It said that the Artistic Director, Michael Barnard, wants to meet with me!! What?! They said that while they are still unsure about positions available for next season, Michael Barnard likes to know who is out there for future reference. So of COURSE I responded back saying I was interested, and we have a meeting set for this upcoming Friday at 10:30 AM. I can't believe it! I'm so excited, and so nervous as well!

Additionally, I am auditioning for Phoenix Theatre this week, the day after my meeting with Michael Barnard. Hopefully meeting with him will make me less nervous? I hope so. I'm planning on singing "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me and "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, then doing a monologue from Talk Radio. I almost have the monologue memorized, and need to go through my songs a few more times. Then prep all my audition materials--resume, headshot, music, etc. I also need to prepare a press packet to bring to my meeting with Michael Barnard.

AHH! Things are happening! Even if there aren't any choreography jobs available and/or I don't get cast in anything, at least I'm getting my foot in the door there. Not bad!

Shrugging of the Shoulders

I did end up cancelling my PT audition. I kind of feel like a loser for doing so, but at the same time I'm okay with it. Meh. I spent the day sleeping, eating ice cream, doing crafty things, and watching Twin Peaks. Audrey Horne is my hero and one can never get enough Dale Cooper.

I think I might still audition for Little Shop at Hale later this month, since, oh yeah, I didn't get cast in Hairspray. Kind of made me a little sad since I would've loved to be in it and killed the dance audition (and in HEELS, damn it!), but I totally understand. I really think my fate with that show is to choreograph it rather than be in it. I look too much like a Tracy to be in the ensemble, and I'm not good enough to actually play Tracy. So I've decided to focus on the choreography side. Mesa Encore Theatre is doing it next summer, so I'm going to contact them now. Maybe I'll choreograph their West Side Story while I'm at it (if they get the rights, that is).

Still desperate for a job. I just applied to Barnes and Noble but haven't heard back yet. Dahh. My next applications will be for Changing Hands and the Apple store. And McDonald's. Because at this point, I'm so not above working at McDonald's. I just want and need a damn job.

It's nice to feel somewhat motivated to do stuff. I've spent many hours thinking that I won't last through this year so why bother making long-term goals. But I suppose the five thousand medications I'm jacked up on are starting to work because I'm not thinking that as often. Shrug.

The Night Before

My Phoenix Theatre audition appointment is tomorrow at 2. My resumes and headshots are printed and stapled, audition forms filled out, audition songs and monologue all practiced. But I'm actually thinking of cancelling. For some reason, my heart isn't in it. And I don't feel 100% ready, particularly with my monologue. I was originally going to do this great piece from Talk Radio, but it ended up being WAY too long. So the other day I switched over to Ilse's monologue from the Franz Wedekind Spring's Awakening (in the musical version, it's where she's talking to Moritz about her crazy life). I have it memorized and everything, but I'm worried about the last minute switch and don't feel ready to perform it. Plus, I really need to focus on school this fall and getting performance credit (meaning I need to actually audition for pieces and be more involved on campus instead of only doing theater). It's really difficult to do school full-time and rehearse a show at the same time.

Gahhhh I don't know.

I just don't feel ready and don't feel that into it. I'm only interested in doing Gypsy next season, anyway, and auditioning for one show doesn't really feel worth the stress and nerves. My printer has been on the fritz all week, too, and printing everything out was like pulling teeth. Maybe that's a sign. Bleh. I don't know. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Okay, then.

Wellllll I went ahead and botched my audition today. Nerves, completely blanking, my mind somewhere else. I've never been so humiliated at an audition. But I got through it and learned from it. I guess. It's not like I really had a chance of getting cast in anything there to begin with, but still...making a complete idiot of yourself is NOT fun.

More details later. Maybe. I kind of just want to curl up in a ball.

Annnnd good night.

P.S. Finding out last night that my ex-boyfriend is in town for the weekend didn't really do wonders for my concentration. But that's a whole other story. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I was going to go curl up in a ball.

Audition Frenzy

So. Tired.

May is chock full of auditions. I started tonight by auditioning for Hairspray at Desert Stages. It went...alright. I did really well with the dance portion, and did it in my three-inch LaDuca's, too! Bam! Dancing well actually surprised me, because I haven't done much dancing recently. It was a nice feeling. However, I went on to mess up my song, and I had a feeling that would happen. I was trying out "Show Off" from The Drowsy Chaperone as a test-run for Phoenix Theatre auditions, and sang a section with an odd key change against my better judgment. I did fine with it while I practiced on my own, but botched it tonight. BUT, I just started that bit over and finished well. I'm wondering if I should use a different section (even though the section I originally wanted to use has kind of a complex piano bit that I'm wary about giving to an accompanist to sight-read) or just use a different song. Hm. Live and learn. But I'm glad I messed up in a familiar environment like DST instead of at Phoenix Theatre generals. I'll find out about casting in the next couple weeks (hopefully).

In the meantime, I'm doing Southwest Shakespeare Company auditions this Friday, Phoenix Theatre auditions on the 14th, possibly doing Arizona Theatre Company auditions on the 17th, and if I don't get cast in Hairspray, I'll audition for Little Shop of Horrors at Hale on the 31st. I really miss performing, so I hope I get cast in SOMETHING. I'm really excited about the monologues I'm doing for once, all of them from shows I love. I'm using Linda's monologue from Talk Radio for Phoenix Theatre, and Juliet's sweet little monologue from Romeo & Juliet Act III Scene 2 for Southwest Shakespeare. On the off-chance that the Shakespeare guys request to see a second monologue (we have to prepare two, but the second one is only by request), I'm using the Tamora-as-Revenge one from Titus Andronicus. Yay! Now I just have to finish memorizing and working on the damn things.

I'm exhausted. Auditions tonight were lonnnng and draining. Time to crash.

 

"And when I shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars,
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act III, Scene 2)

Always the Years Between Us

 

"You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."
--Virginia Woolf, The Hours

It was Virginia Woolf's deathday on the 28th, so I've had her on the brain. I love Nicole Kidman's portrayal of her in The Hours.

"You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know."
--Virginia Woolf's suicide letter to her husband Leonard

The theme to The Hours, by Philip Glass, was the music for my audition solo during the great Dance BFA search. Todd choreographed it. I feel like I was such a different person then. I've listened to the song a few times this week, but haven't been able to get through it without crying and feeling kinesthetic memories of the movement. I remember Todd had me do some writing about the solo at the time, here's a bit of it:

Todd told me that the piece is all about transitions. And obviously, seeing as I'm going through quite a transition of sorts right now, I relate a lot to that theme. But furthermore, this piece to me is not only about the transition, but also about all the fear, nerves, apprehension and doubt that inevitably comes with taking a big step. I start the piece out in a wide stance with my wrists resting on top of my ribcage and I do these really small, sharp ticking movements that get bigger and bigger until I shoot forward....This pretty much sums me up, both as a person and as a dancer. I feel completely paralyzed by fear most of the time, and I often have to literally push myself into doing things that scare the bejesus out of me. And even though I'm pushing myself, I still take very small steps before jumping in completely.

I also relate a lot to the song within it's original context. It's the main theme from the movie The Hours. The plot revolves around three women in three different time periods who are all seemingly stuck in places that they don't want to be in. But at the same time, they can't really change anything about their lives without sending their entire world (as well as the lives of their friends and family) into upheaval. Despite this, each woman ends up making that pivotal change. It may have been the completely wrong change to make, or in Clarissa's case, the change came without her consent. But regardless of the circumstances, all three women go through a significant and profound transition over the course of the film.

Update Triptych

I)
I finally started seeing a therapist. I was really anxious about my first appointment because I was worried she wouldn't "feel right" and I'd have to keep searching for another one, but luckily I instantly felt at ease with her. (Heh, it sounds like we're dating or something. We're not.) And it sounds silly, but she looks a lot like Judy Greer, which I find very comforting because Judy Greer is one of my favorite actresses. Also, she worked at ASU for years, so she has a lot of experience working with college students (she's even seen a lot of dancers) AND she knows her way around all the bureaucratic stuff there and is going to help me get a medical withdrawal. I honestly didn't think that I'd qualify for one, but apparently I do. It's a relief having a therapist who knows the system and has worked with a lot of people my age.
I've been going to her for almost a month, and I'm learning a lot. And verrrry slowly progressing, which is difficult because I'm impatient and hate baby steps. The sessions surprisingly always feel wayyy too short. I'm constantly feeling like I have so much more that I want to talk about than we have time for, and wish we could just talk for like six hours over a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Buuut we can't. So I'm learning to just take things slowly. She had me bring in some photos the other day, and it was really interesting to hear an outside perspective on all of them. I was pretty blown away by what she saw.
The subject of medication has come up, of course, but I'm really wary about it. I'm terrified of the side-effects, particularly with SSRIs, because they even have side-effects when you STOP taking it. Agh. But I'm thinking about it, because even though I'm learning a lot, the heaviness I feel is making it incredibly difficult to do a lot of the things I need to do. So I would love some perspective on SSRIs, pleeeease! You can message me on FB if you don't feel comfortable commenting on it here.
Even though progress is slow, I still feel a lot of relief just from starting therapy. I just wish I'd taken care of this years ago, before it wreaked this much havoc on my life.

II)
I'm auditioning for Phoenix Theater on May 23rd, and am so nervous! I've never really done season auditions before and feel really green. I desperately want in on these shows. I'm auditioning for Saraghina in Nine, obviously, because I want to play that role so badly it hurts! And I feel like I have a decent shot at it, even though I'm sure I'll be competing against every big curvy belter in Phoenix. Even if I don't get the role, I have a feeling another opportunity will pop up eventually. I'm also auditioning for Hairspray! I originally just wanted an ensemble role, but I'm shooting for Tracy. I thought I was too thin for the role (Ha! I don't think I've ever been able to say that before!), but everyone I've talked to says that they usually pad the actress even if she's already the right body type. Plus, I sang through the show on the way to Tucson the other day to make sure I could handle the role vocally, and I totally CAN. So, what the hell! I don't have anything to lose auditioning for Tracy, because I desperately just want to BE IN THE SHOW no matter what role!!!! Hairsprayyyy!
We have to prepare 16 bars of a ballad and 16 bars of an uptempo song, as well as a monologue. My dear friend JP, who directed Man of La Mancha, introduced me to "The Miller's Son" from A Little Night Music awhile ago and I instantly fell in love with it. So I'm singing that as my ballad (even if accompanists have trouble sightreading Sondheim...eek). And definitely adding Petra to my list of dream roles! I've finally decided on "Always True to You (In My Fashion)" from Kiss Me Kate as my uptempo song. I really wanted to do "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me, but I can't find the damn sheet music anywhere. But "Always True to You" is a little more upbeat, anyway, plus it shows off my range a little more. I chose a monologue from Catholic Schoolgirls, and am totally going to channel my 7 year old niece, Bryn. Because it's all stuff that she would totally say. I really need to get memorizing. Gahh. I'M NERVOUS! But excited. I'm hoping that I'll at least make it to the dance callback just based on my dance experience alone?
I'm also hoping to audition for Southwest Shakespeare that same weekend, if I can memorize two classical monologues in time. IT IS GOING TO BE ONE CRAZY WEEKEND. They're doing A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is my absolute favorite Shakespeare play. I've been in it several times as a kid, and would love to do it again. I think I'll shoot for Helena. Which is kind of funny, because I just played Helene in Sweet Charity. Helene to Helena! But, like with Hairspray, I'd be happy with any role. I just love that show and it's been way too long since I've done any Shakespeare.
Preparing for PT auditions has made me realize how much more of a range I have. I really thought I was just a solid alto, but I've been working a lot on my belt and can surprisingly hit much higher notes with it than I thought I could. And I know I could develop more control once I start taking voice lessons (the potential teacher I'm interested in hasn't emailed me back, meh). It's just been a constant surprise discovering this whole new part of myself. I almost feel like I could qualify as a mezzo-soprano (in the musical theater sense, not opera obviously), but I'm not sure. It does make me very happy, though!

III)
I'm going to Tucson today for Kay's graduation tonight, and Justine's graduation dinner tomorrow. My girls are all grown up! Justine just got a job offer in San Francisco and is apparently moving there in like five seconds. It makes me really sad, especially because I've been disgustingly out of touch with her recently (my fault), but I'm so happy for her of course. And happy to have a place to stay in San Francisco! I'm so excited to see two of my favorite ladies, and especially see them graduate. Buncha badasses.

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my life recently. Apologies for the verboseness.

P.S. I forgot to mention that we might be getting kitties. :D All I need to do is call up my friend Nathan who has them. Except that I HATE talking on the phone and am too nervous. (But I want kitties!)