Hail Mary Pass

So, a few weeks ago in the middle of the night, a somewhat odd idea popped into my head. I decided to write letters to artistic directors of various contracted/professional theaters in the Valley asking them if I could observe rehearsals or shadow the choreographer on one of their musicals next season. I don't want to be an intern or get paid or anything like that, I just want to sit and watch. If I want to take choreographing musicals to the next level, I figured watching the production process of a professional theater might be a good thing to do. If this isn't possible, I asked if I could have a meeting to talk about how their theaters work. I included my artistic and work resumes, a list of professional references, my business card, and a DVD of my demo reels with the letter. Katy-in-an-envelope, off to Phoenix Theatre, Arizona Theatre Company, Hale Centre Theatre, and Arizona Broadway Theatre. I have no idea if this will work, if any of them will say yes, if they'll get the letter or even read it. But I suppose it can't hurt to try. Plus, it was good marketing practice. And kind of fun putting these bundles together.

I took my first modern class in months today. Karen let me drop in to her level II class. I got through and guess it went alright, but it's frustrating to feel so out of shape and out of touch with my body. The fact that I've put on so much weight that I can't even look at myself doesn't help, either. Meh. But I guess it's good to get moving again, especially if I intend on coming back full time next semester. I just need to suffer through being out of shape for awhile.

Still looking for a job, which is thoroughly irritating. I've filled out a million applications but have only heard back from two places; one interview one not-interested. Aghh. It doesn't help that all of these applications are online. I hate sending them out into an abyss where I have no idea if they'll be read or not. So I think I'll use my leftover self-marketing energy from contacting theaters to physically go to each place with a cover letter, resume, reference list and availability (I'm even willing to adjust my sleep schedule so I can work opening shifts at Starbucks or McDonald's). SOMEONE HIRE ME, PLEEEEASE. I desperately need a job.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm taking a beginning painting class every Monday through Tempe Parks & Rec. And I love it! I was nervous about it since I can't draw, but the class actually focuses on learning how to use different kinds of paint rather than learning how to draw. Which is EXACTLY what I was looking for -- I art journal/make mixed-media collages as a hobby, and want to learn how different paints work so I can use them in my collages. The teacher is fabulous, I'm learning a lot, and get a three hour block of time each week to turn my brain off and play with paint. It's a relief to have something to look forward to.

Not much else has been happening recently. I'm still popping pills and getting used to each medication; I'm almost at the point where I'm supposed to feel something other than side effects, so we'll see how it goes. Still getting awful nightmares, too, and still feeling crappy-but-can't-sleep-through-it. Which is why I haven't really been updating, because all I usually end up doing is whining. Eh.

Time for bed now. Sleepy wave.

"It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes.
This is broadly true. But heaven has the best choreographers."
--Good Omens, Neil Gaiman & Terry Prachett

Early Morning Updates

• I had the chance to talk with Claudia La Rocco just before her ASU residency ended. We met up on campus for a bit and I got to pick her brain. I think it went pretty well...she told me a lot about the goings-on of a journalist, and gave me some great advice, insight and ideas. I was really nervous, though, and feel like I came off as an awkward bumbling idiot. It's like I spend so much time alone that I forget how to talk to people. Or something. But I suppose feeling awkward but still getting good perspective is better than not contacting her at all.
  
• I participated in a fabulous Flash Mob recently, and it was a blast. It was so nice to see lovely people like Kathryn and Cat who I rarely get to meet up with. (That should change, because they're awesome.) It was also great to be there for everyone, even if I didn't personally know the woman who the flash mob was commemorating.
  
• I never really followed up on the hospitalization situation, mostly because it was a disaster. And a disaster that absolutely could have been prevented. Basically, without going into details since it's a private family thing, being hospitalized didn't happen. It should have, but didn't. And I wish I could go back in time and just NOT consider it as an option. It was hard enough to make that decision, and even harder to actually prepare for and to tell people it was going to happen. I told my teachers, withdrew from classes, stocked up on cat food and litter for Ragnar and was about to ask my roommate if he could take care of him while I was gone, and started packing. None of which was easy or pleasant, especially running on so little energy and an inescapable feeling of wanting to die. For things to play out the way that they did after all that, I'm just humiliated. Now, I'm back to struggling to make and get to doctors appointments, being put on different meds and blah blah blah. Same shit, different day. As mentioned in an earlier post, one of the medications I'm on is more or less an upper to keep me awake. And it has kept me awake, but hasn't changed my mood. So I still feel like shit, only now I can't sleep through it.
  
• I'm doing a blogger meetup thing today. I'm really nervous about it because I hate meeting new people, and the thought of having to socialize/make conversation for an entire day makes me anxious as all hell. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I guess to talk about blogging? See what various AZ bloggers are like in person? I don't know. We're doing a lot of poking around downtown Phoenix, though, and I've been wanting to familiarize myself with that area more. So that's good? I meant to get plenty of sleep tonight since I'm nervous about the meetup and need time to get ready for it in the morning, buuuut despite being tired, I've been too nervous to allow myself to sleep. Agh. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.