On Being Half-Way Through My Twenties...

I'm kind of having a meltdown over here.

My 25th birthday is on Monday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My Mom asked me the other day what was on my birthday list this year, and I honestly had no idea what I wanted. Except for one thing: the only thing I really want is to NOT be turning 25.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and therefore just feel like an epic failure. I'm STILL not done with school; I'm eight years into my fucking bachelor's degree and am actually older than most of the grad students. I don't have a job. I've applied everywhere, and no one, not even McDonald's, will call me back. I have absolutely zero financial independence. My parents pay all my bills, including a sky-high Visa bill which, no matter how hard I try, just will not go down. They just bought me a new car. I can't think of anyone more UNdeserving of a new car than me. I have no idea how to handle money. I don't know how to cook and can't keep my apartment clean. While friend after friend gets married, I remain single. I've put on like 20 pounds in the past year and can't lose it. I've crossed the threshold into being too fat to dance, because every time I do, it just hurts. I almost feel like I hate dancing now. I haven't choreographed a musical in two years and, despite the hiatus, still feel choreographically tapped out. This is unfortunate because I planned on making this my career, and have absolutely no idea what I would do instead. I've done absolutely nothing with my life, and I have no idea where I'm going anymore.

Cheers.

Awake at 2 AM

Why do people think I'm capable of pulling off even the most basic of human tasks? I'm seriously drowning here. And not like normal-end-of-the-semester drowning, but like I've-fucked-everything-up-for-the-millionth-time drowning. Isn't the definition of insanity repeating the same behavior over and over again expecting different results?? Clearly I've gone insane because I keep doing the same shit repeatedly and expect things to change. And of course they never do. I'm never going to graduate. I'm never going to get a job. My senior project is a mess. I'm never going to make it out of this stagnant place that I'm in. I can't do anything. I really wish people would understand that.

And on top of everything, I can't sleep. I've got a full day tomorrow of class, rehearsal, and a paper to write. I'm exhausted but I can't fall asleep. Oh well. Tomorrow will just be one more thing that I fuck up.

A Hollowed-Out Shell

I MISS:
Living in the dorms, the UA Student Union, my friends who don't live in AZ, theater, choreographing shows, choreographing contemporary work, Todd's class, my TDC friends, Chocolate Iguana, 4th Avenue, studying foreign languages, Beyond Bread, the "Brilliance" gang, high school, being a theater groupie, Ms. Oden's class, stealing popcorn and soda from Govern, star parties, Winterhaven, living with Justine and Wendy, having a big room, TV on DVD marathons with Kay, The Loft, The Providence Institute, being thinner, Prom and other excuses to wear a fancy gown, the darkroom at Tucson High, being a senior, my 18th birthday (best ever), going on aimless drives with Derek, breaking bottles at Gates Pass, driving around in the Hammer yelling at sorority girls and frat guys, always having friends being a phone call or a walk away, Dr. Soren's classes, being healthy (or at least kind of healthy), scar-less arms and legs, talking to Steve.

Meh.

"That's an impossibility. Trying to forget anything as intriguing as this would be an exercise in futility."
--Pulp Fiction

Curl Up in a Ball, Part Two

It's been...quite a couple of days. Does that even make sense? Whatever. That's the only way to describe it. Just...quite a couple of days.

I can't process things, I can't deal with things, I can't move on, I can't believe the things that people say to me. And I can't take it anymore. What's wrong with me??? I'm so sick of myself. I'm sick of being in this body and this mind that won't let me just BE OK. I just keep burying everything. I literally don't know how to NOT bury everything.

It's been quite a couple of days. My heart hurts.