Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Okay, then.

Wellllll I went ahead and botched my audition today. Nerves, completely blanking, my mind somewhere else. I've never been so humiliated at an audition. But I got through it and learned from it. I guess. It's not like I really had a chance of getting cast in anything there to begin with, but still...making a complete idiot of yourself is NOT fun.

More details later. Maybe. I kind of just want to curl up in a ball.

Annnnd good night.

P.S. Finding out last night that my ex-boyfriend is in town for the weekend didn't really do wonders for my concentration. But that's a whole other story. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I was going to go curl up in a ball.

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.

Wow.

Family.....I don't even know. My parents think they understand what's going on with me and how to deal with it, and they don't. Just the opposite, in fact. So I need to find the courage to break through my ridiculous shame complexes and ask others for help, like my siblings and close friends. I wish I could elaborate a little more on what has been going on this week, but it doesn't feel right. I think a movie night involving black label Johnnie Walker and/or cupcakes may be in order when I get back to Mesa. Or maybe Johnnie Walker cupcakes. Do they make those?

Luke: Didn't that Tolstoy guy say something about families?
Lorelai: Probably.
Luke: It was some famous thing he said, something like 'All families are unhappy,' or happy on the surface, or unhappy in the same way.
Lorelai: Sounds a little incomplete.
Luke: Well, maybe he couldn't finish the thought because he was too busy dealing with his stinking family!
Lorelai: Do the Hallmark people know about you? Because you're a natural.
--Gilmore Girls #4.12: "A Family Matter"

Stalemate

I am so damned exhausted right now, physically and mentally, that I can only give headlines about this ridiculous week:

• The sleep study was a disaster. Mostly because...I couldn't fucking sleep. And I'm pretty sure it was 99% my fault. The other 1% having to do with the five million wires stuck to my face, neck, chest, legs, and fingers. Basically, it was an epic FAIL. Waste of my time, the clinic's time, and my parents' money. It'll take a week or so to get the results, but I doubt they gleaned anything from my 30 minutes of being half-asleep and 5 1/2 hours of trying in vain to fall asleep for real. (And I also hate the word "glean." The fact that I willingly used it in a sentence should say something about how sour I feel about all this.)
• I thought that making and accepting the decision to be hospitalized was going to be the difficult part. It's not. It turns out that the process of trying to find the right facility and be admitted has been the most frustrating, exhausting, and ridiculously taxing experience of my life. Mostly because my parents and I can't get on the same page about anything. And stupid family problems that we've been dealing with for years have decided to rear their ugly heads at the WORST possible time. I wish I could get into the specifics, but it really wouldn't be appropriate to blog that openly about these family issues. Basically, I feel like we're at a stalemate. Nothing is getting done. And I'm so frustrated that I feel like tearing my hear out.
• I just want to sleep. All the time.
• The ONE positive thing about this week is that my hair has finally decided not to be greasy and disgusting anymore. At least for the time being. I don't know what the deal was, but I'm glad that I don't look like a ragamuffin anymore.

Ugh, never again.
(Except I probably will have to get another stupid sleep study done soon. Especially if they suspect narcolepsy.) (Echhhhdlskgjaglkjmads.)