Currently...

WATCHING:
Sooooo muuuuch Parks and Recreation. I don't know how I ever survived without Ron Swanson. Also watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and am totally in love with Data. And I really wish someone would just punch Wesley Crusher in his stupid face and then throw him off the Enterprise forever. Because I hate him.
I have a lot of feelings, okay?
Also just got done rewatching the Sex and the City movie for the first time in awhile. Yes, I realize how problematic that show/movie is in terms of it being drenched in stereotypes and white privilege. But I can't help loving it anyway, so deal with it. And in case you were wondering, I'm a Charlotte.

LISTENING TO:
I have "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat, and desperately want to sing it at karaoke now that I know I can hit all the high notes!
Also listening to a shit ton of Broadway showtunes, namely Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Mesa Encore Theatre will be holding auditions for that show soon and I would love to play Jolene) and Cabaret (aka my favorite musical ever, EVER, EVER).

PLANNING:
What the rest of my year will look like.
I found out last night, just after posting my list of various goals, that the cute indie coffee shop right across the street from my apartment is HIRING! Pretty fantastic timing, I must say, considering I had only just made the concrete decision to get a new job that day. I do hope it pans out. Even if it doesn't, I'm still not returning to my job this fall. I can always use the unemployed time to focus solely on school and learning how to become a functional human being, then go back to job-hunting after I graduate.
Also toying with some new interior design ideas for my room. I'd like to add a desk, reorganize my closets, get a beanbag chair (just because), and daydream about having enough room for an antique art deco vanity (even though I don't, unless I can move my smaller dresser into the closet...hmmm).

THINKING ABOUT:
School. I keep looking at my transcript thingie over and over again, because I basically can't believe I'm like four or five classes away from graduating. I need to work out some scheduling issues with my advisor, but then I should be all set for fall. I love you, ASU School of Dance, but I need to be done. Like right now.
Oh yeah, and I turn 26 next week?? Blahhhhhh.

READING:
I just finished up Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. SO good, SO creepy! I need her to release another fucked-up dark mystery novel ASAP!!
Now I'm in the dreaded between-books stage. I did just buy Dan Brown's new book on my iPad, so maybe I'll dive into that. I know his books are like literary junk food, but I am a shameless junk food enthusiast so I don't really care.

MAKING ME HAPPY:

• Performing. Not just being onstage, but the whole ritual of it. Picking up my green tea lemonade from Starbucks before heading to the theater, goofing around with my silly castmates, putting on my makeup and costume. Then taking it all off afterwards and heading home, ready to do it again the next night. I don't know...it's hard to explain. But I love it.
• PASSING MATH and being DONE with those classes forever and ever!
• Singing in my car all the time, and discovering I have a higher belt range than I previously thought.
• My pretty new dresser.
• Having stuff to look forward to in the (near) future as opposed to just bleak nothingness. I still don't know what my ultimate career path will be, but at least I have some things to keep me occupied until I figure it out.
• Poached eggs covered in Cholula on top of carnitas, potatoes, and cheese from Crackers & Company. Om nom nom.
• My supercute nieces and nephews.
• Eating ALL THE EEGEE'S! (It's a glorious local restaurant chain in Tucson.)
• This short piece on why Gillian Flynn writes about violent women: http://gillian-flynn.com/for-readers/
• Jenna Marbles. She makes me wish I was funny enough to do clever, pithy, silly vlogs. I particularly enjoy this video, 'cause it's totally true: 

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Currently...

Reading: Catching Fire, aka the second Hunger Games book. Loving it! Shit's getting cuh-razy! These books are totally creepy, which I love. And they're pretty quick reads, which I love even more. I'm also plodding along in Naked by David Sedaris. I'm so looking forward to school ending so I can have more time to just curl up and read.

Watching: I haven't been able to watch Doctor Who ever since my trip to New York in January 2011 (long story), but I sucked it up and rewatched the pilot just now. Oddly satisfying. Watching mannequins come to life and kill people makes me think of my friend Christian, who is terrified of mannequins and therefore could never watch this show! I've also been watching Parks and Recreation. Hands down the funniest show on television.

Working on: Getting through the last few days of school. This is seriously the slowest week of my life! I just want this semester to be OVER so I can have some time to myself, and actually have time to find a job. I've been applying everywhere--Jamba Juice, Olive Garden, Apple, Starbucks, Whole Foods, Wildflower and more--but haven't heard back. :/ But once school is out, I'll have time to be more vigilant about getting hired.

Thinking about: How much better I'll feel once school is out! Sorry to sound like a broken record, I'm just SO ready for the semester to be over.

Anticipating: The tasty pizza I just ordered from Mellow Mushroom. Their crust is to die for.

Listening to: The playlist I made for the Undergrad Show, particularly "Start Wearing Purple" by Gogol Bordello. I really want to choreograph a silly piece to that song.

Eating: Super crappy food. Yet another reason why I'm looking forward to the semester being over is that I'll have the time and energy to clean out my currently disgusting fridge and refill it with good, whole foods.

Wishing: That I pass all my classes. My attendance this semester has been atrocious. I blame not getting a long enough winter break! But I'm doing lots of extra credit work, so hopefully I'll get passing grades.

ASU Undergrad Concert: Pre-Show/Intermission Playlist

One of my duties as Artistic Director for the Undergrad Show is to put together music for pre-show/intermission. This was one of my favorite parts of the job, as I LOVE LOVE LOVE putting together playlists!! The Undergrad Show is full of quirky, diverse works, so I decided to model the playlist after that, building it around a fabulous cover of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" by Anya Marina. I peppered some other quirky cover songs in there as well. I think it turned out pretty great!

1. Duncan Sheik--"There Once Was A Pirate"
2. Magnet--"The Gospel Song"
3. Blind Uncle Gaspard--"Assi Dans La Fenetre De Ma Chambre"
4. Gogol Bordello--"Start Wearing Purple"
5. Anya Marina--"Whatever You Like"
6. Amy Winehouse--"Back to Black"
7. Yael Naim--"Toxic"
8. Sparks--"Suburban Homeboy"
9. Kate Nash--"Mouthwash"
10. The Bird and the Bee--"My Love"
11. Alanis Morrissette--"Citizen of the Planet"
12. The Rolling Stones--"Laugh, I Nearly Died"
13. Taken By Trees--"Sweet Child O' Mine"
14. The Andrews Sisters--"Bei Mir Bist Du Shoen"
15. The Roaring Girl Cabaret--"Passion Play" (I could not find this on YouTube, unfortunately, so it is not on the playlist below.)
16. Florence + the Machine--"Dog Days Are Over"
17. Amy Winehouse--"Someone to Watch Over Me"
18. Leonard Nimoy--"Highly Illogical"
19. The Puppini Sisters--"Walk Like An Egyptian"
20. The Dresden Dolls--"Coin Operated Boy"
21. Helen Kane--"I Wanna Be Loved By You"
22. Ani Difranco--"Here For Now"
23. April March--"Chick Habit"
24. Rufus Wainwright--"Between My Legs"
25. Yeah Yeah Yeahs--"Gold Lion (Live Acoustic)"
26. Lenka--"Trouble is a Friend"
27. Jessie J--"Sexy Silk"
28. Crooked Still--"Ain't No Grave"
29. Massive Attack--"Teardrop"
30. Kanye West--"Street Lights"
31. The Velvet Underground--"I'm Sticking With You"
32. Britney Spears--"Piece of Me"
33. The Pierces--"Secret"
34. The Roaring Girl Cabaret--"L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle" (I could not find this on YouTube, unfortunately, so it is not on the playlist below.)
35. M.I.A.--"Paper Planes"
36. Metric--"Black Sheep"
37. Eileen--"Ces Bottes Sont Faites Pour Marcher"
38. The Dresden Dolls--"Mandy Goes to Med School"

Barely There

I'm...in kind of a weird place right now. I'm really just sick of myself. Like, can't stand the sight of me let alone allow others to look at me. I stayed home from school on Wednesday because I just couldn't stomach the thought of people watching me struggle. I literally couldn't leave the house.

I don't feel like a dancer anymore. Dancing hurts. Everything hurts. And I hate it. My hormones are all out of whack, which has made me put on exorbitant amounts of weight. And it makes it very difficult to lose weight as well. I'm at the point where I'm officially too fat to dance. I look fucking ridiculous in class, huffing and puffing, pretending like I belong there. I don't. Feeling like this makes me not want to dance anymore. All my issues with my feet and joints...I'm acting like it's some medical mystery as to why I'm in pain. It's because I'm fat. I need to lose weight, but I can't. I'm dancing five fucking times a week and still embarrassingly overweight...I can't take it anymore. I wish I could give up.

The worst part about this is that I'm barely there in class. I give like 10% at any given time, even in Modern where I'm more comfortable. In ballet, it's more like 5%. I'm not even trying. I have no desire to try because even the little movement that does feel good looks awful when I see it in the mirror. And don't tell me otherwise, because you're lying. The music sounds like it's mocking me, too. Drum beats and piano chords that were once comforting are just oppressive now.

Everything hurts, everything looks horrible. I'm sick of it. I need the semester to be over.

Transitioning?

In four days, DUCK & COVER will be performed (along with many other awesome pieces) in the Transition Projects concert at ASU. This all feels so surreal. I can't believe it's finally time for this to happen...I've watched the seniors before do it, and now it's my turn. It's been such a crazy experience--thrilling, frustrating, scary, amazing. And even though I will have a year left after this semester--the result of being on medical withdrawal for two semesters--I still feel like this concert marks the end of something. Next year, all my classmates will be gone. I can't even tell you how weird it will be without them around. I love them all so much; they are the reason I didn't just drop out of school when I got sick. I'm so happy to have gone on this ASU journey with them. Words can't describe how much I'll miss them! I'm glad Facebook is around so I can keep up with their future endeavors (I hope that doesn't sound creepy; I'm just genuinely interested in what everyone is up to!) And I'm glad that I was able to get back into school so I could experience Transition Projects with my class. It wouldn't have been the same with anyone else. (And luckily, the incoming senior class is a fun bunch so I'll still have some awesome people around.) If you are free this weekend, I highly recommend coming to see this fantastic show! It's February 10th at 5:30 PM, February 11th at 7:30 PM and February 12th at 2:00 PM.

Ahhhhh.

I can't believe I made it through the semester. I'm hoping that I pass all my classes; it was really difficult for me to get to all my classes at first so I have a lot of absences. But I got my shit together mid-semester. I'm hoping my rocky start won't ruin all my grades. :/ Keep your fingers crossed that I pass all my classes.

But enough of that. Today was the last day of classes. There is a party tonight and I am going to do some celebratory drinking!

I Only Have Eyes For You

I honestly forgot how much I love performing. I don't know how I let myself go so long without it.

Hanging out backstage, doing my makeup, warming up in the wings,
taking that deep breath just before the lights come up, getting lost in
movement, and taking off all my makeup after the show.

I love it all.

What a fantastic experience this Undergrad Concert has been!

---

Take As Directed
Choreography and Performance by: Katy Callie
Lighting Design: Katy Callie and Cari Koch
Costume, Makeup and Set Design: Katy Callie
Music: I Only Have Eyes for You, by The Flamingos

“She could always keep busy during the day, and at night—the lonely ones—there were always the beautiful dolls for company. She’d take two of them tonight. Why not?”
—Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann

Take As Directed tells the story of a life that has been completely dominated by prescription medication, and the feeling of being yanked around by doctors and side effects. It also explores elements of self-injury and depression.

Certain things get lost in this video, such as facial expressions, movement dynamics like shaking, and makeup design. But you get the gist of it. And here’s an interesting tidbit...It states in the program that “This piece contains adult content.” Hm. Guess I really freaked everyone out.

When In Rome

There are many artists I listen to that are perfect for autumn, but I think my favorite has to be Nickel Creek. There's just something about their brand of folksy bluegrass deliciousness that feels like autumn to me. I've been listening to them on a loop recently as I feel the weather slowly change. I think When in Rome might be my favorite song from them.

I've been going to Skateland almost every day to practice for roller derby tryouts (4 days!). The staff knows me now, to the point where the guy at the skate rental stand saw me coming today and immediately brought out a pair of size nine speed skates for me. D'aww. I love being a regular. It's tough to skate at a rink, only because there are so many people there and the majority are kids who are all kinds of unstable on skates. But maybe that's a blessing in disguise, because I'm practicing my dodging skills by skating around them! I'm getting the hang of roller skating (not an easy transition after years of ice and inline skating) and building my endurance more and more each day. I know that roller derby training is going to kick my ass, so I'm trying to build up as much strength as possible so if and when I make the team, I'll be at least a little bit ready. I hope I make it!! It's a huge commitment and also very dangerous, but I think it'll all be worth it. This is where my heart is leading me right now, and I'm looking forward to potentially trying something new and meeting lots of new people.

Still plodding along in school. I continue to struggle with staying awake in the morning, which is so frustrating. Tomorrow I'm going to try waking up earlier. It may seem counterintuitive, but maybe having more time in the morning to wake up will help? Ugh, I don't know. I really hate the way I feel in the morning. I envy early birds who pop out of bed like Julia Child in Julie & Julia ("I'm UP!"). I'm like a zombie, and I stay that way for a couple hours. Bleh.

My transition project is a bit of a hot mess right now. I've had so many problems with casting and absences (very reminiscent of Sweet Charity, ughh). So we're way behind and it's really frustrating. I did a bit of firm housekeeping, though, and I'm hoping that things will run smoother from now on. Pray that no one else drops out!! Also, I just launched a Kickstarter project to raise money--check it out and feel free to donate! Any little bit, even $1, helps tremendously. I'm hoping to raise $500 to cover costumes, props and copyright fees primarily. All that stuff is expensive!

And that's pretty much all that's going on at the moment. Apartment is still awesome, kitty is still awesome, I'm hanging in there.

Undesirables

We had a showing today in my Transition Project class, and I showed the material that I have thus far. Claudia, my professor, asked me where I was coming from with this piece--is it a spoof? Is it in earnest? Is it historical? These are some really important conceptual questions that I was happy to think about and answer.

I think that Duck & Cover is first and foremost a satire, with a touch of historical record. When we look back on the Red Scare and Cold War era, it seems so silly. So I want to satirize the silliness of that fear. But at the same time, there are frightening parallels between the fear-mongering then and the fear-mongering now, just with different contexts. There’s also a terrible precedent in history of hiding/getting rid of “undesirables”--Jews during the Holocaust, the Japanese in WWII, the Blacklisting of alleged Communists in the 50s, Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge and other racial cleansing/genocide, the segregation during the Civil Rights era. And now we have that same animosity towards Arabs and Muslims. I’ve been thinking a LOT about that lately. I want to comment on that in the piece, in a way that’s both satirical AND profound, and make the audience realize that the fear-mongering wasn’t just a thing of the past. It is still happening now.

Any thoughts on this??

Truckin'

Not too much to report, I guess. I'm two weeks into the semester. It's been going okay, just SO. EXHAUSTING. I think it'll (hopefully) get better once the weather changes. Schlepping around campus in 110 degree weather is difficult to say the least! I can't waaaait for fall.

Almost everything that's happening this semester scares the shit out of me. For one thing, I'm starting to piece together my senior project. And there are about a million things to keep track of...casting, costumes, lighting design, music (choosing songs/audio samples, editing, getting copyright permissions), rehearsals, choreography, AHH. I'm freaking out. But I have to remember that there are a lot of people around me who can help. My fabulous professor who teaches our class, our new badass technical director who is--no joke--a female body builder and gives amazing perspective and gets shit done, our production manager, and so on and so forth. I just have to suck it up and ask for help when I need it. My first rehearsal with my dancers (a cast which has yet to be solidified) is next Saturday. AHH.

In other scary news, we're required to spend nine sessions with a community dance initiative for my Creative Practices class. I'm participating in a project with South Mountain High School. This scares me because for some reason, community dance practice really makes me uncomfortable. No idea why. I guess it's because I don't have a ton of experience with it and am therefore totally out of my element. I had my first session with the project today, and it went alright. Scary as fuck, but I got through it.

The only way I'm able to deal with all this scariness is by remembering that I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE but to do these things. If I don't get my senior project together, I won't be able to graduate. If I don't do the nine community dance sessions, I fail the class. There's no other option but to just DO IT. And there's really no safety net and no turning back. So...yeah. Terrifying.

In non-school news, I'm an auntie again! My sister had her baby the other day. Little Patrick (Paddy for short) is adorable and I can't wait to meet him. Yay!

And that's about it. Time to enjoy the bejesus out of my three day weekend after an incredibly long week! I leave you with a Red Scare inspiration board....remember to duck and cover!

Thus Far...

The first two days of school have come and gone, and I somehow made it through. It was so weird starting on a Thursday...but I guess it was nice to only have two days of class before the weekend! I miraculously woke up at around 7 AM each day, and had time to eat breakfast and take my time getting ready for the day. Eating a good breakfast with a cup of coffee, as well as snacking between classes, helped significantly in getting through the day. Particularly on my 9:45 AM - 5 PM days. But it wasn't just food that got me through; I think I'm starting to feel somewhat "normal" again (knock on wood). By that, I mean it wasn't like pulling teeth to get through the day. I did have moments in class where I was struggling, but that's to be expected. And trudging around campus in the heat wasn't easy either. But I was actually able to do it all, which was a huge relief. Next week will be the true test of how the rest of the semester is going to go, however. We'll see if I can get through an entire week of classes. I think I can, as long as I keep taking care of myself.

I'm excited about my classes! I'm taking Modern, Ballet, Transition Projects (our senior capstone class), 3rd Year Creative Practices (which focuses on community dance; I'm taking it to make up for the semester I missed), and a Shakespeare class. It feels so great to be dancing with all my favorite ASU students and teachers again. And I'm especially excited about the Shakespeare class! My teacher rules. Which is so great...a class can be ruined so easily by a boring teacher. But our teacher is really funny and, more importantly, passionate and enthusiastic about the material which makes his lectures fun to listen to. And I love that his favorite Shakespeare play is Cymbeline. Such an out-of-the-ordinary choice. We'll be reading that later this semester. We have a ton of reading to do each week, but hopefully I can handle it.

I'm nervous about my capstone class, mostly because adjudications for the senior project concert are in NOVEMBER. That's in like five seconds. Meaning I have to get my project together enough to be adjudicated by then...Gahh. Luckily, I've been researching and brainstorming all summer on the idea I'm thinking of pursuing: a piece about the Red Scare and Cold War tentatively called Duck & Cover. I've always been obsessed with that era, and especially with Soviet propaganda, so I think it'll be a meaty subject to choreograph about. I just hope I can get everything together in time for adjudications.

I'm really enjoying living alone so far. My apartment is cozy and the complex is really nice. Living alone is by nature a little lonely, but in a good way. It's so nice to come home to my own space and not have to deal with being around people. It's peaceful and very liberating. Plus my amazing kitty is always around to keep me company! I'm still getting settled in and STILL have cleaning to do at Jonathan's (starting school kind of had me sidetracked), but hopefully I'll be all done by the time Kaylene comes to visit next week. :)

That's about it for now. I'm leaving you with a snippet from an anti-Communist propaganda film that I discovered on YouTube while doing research for Duck & Cover...hopefully it'll teach you how to sniff out those evil Commies!

Jitters

It just hit me tonight that school is starting in a couple of days. I'm kind of freaking out. I really can't stomach fucking up another semester. I desperately need it to go well. Or, if it truly feels that I'm not meant to be in school anymore, I at least want to make it through the semester. I don't want to randomly disappear in the middle. I'm sick of that.

I think the main thing I'm scared of is keeping up with self-care. On Monday/Wednesday/Friday, my schedule basically has me in class from 9:45 AM to 5 PM. Echh. Granted, I have hour or so breaks inbetween each class, but still. On days like that, I need to be sure to eat breakfast and have lunch and snacks and enough water packed to get me through the day and keep my energy up. I'm scared that I'll fall behind on taking care of myself, and then it'll just snowball until I'm a complete mess all over again. As I said before, I really can't stomach that happening. Fortunately, My Tuesday/Thursdays are much less daunting, as I only have two classes and am out by 2:45. Hopefully I'll be able to recharge on those days.

Aghhh. I'm still nervous, though. :/

Antsiness and Earlybird Daydreams

I'm ridiculously antsy.

There are all these big things coming up soon--getting my keys, moving into my apartment, starting classes, and potentially getting a job. But the dates for all these things are approaching at a snail's pace. I just bought a lovely new planner for the upcoming school year (I'm obsessed with planners!) and I keep opening it; staring at and touching the pages as if that will make time go by faster. I'm going crazy just waiting! I want all these things to hurry up and HAPPEN! I want my keys so I can start decorating! I want the movers to come so I can settle in! I want classes to start so I can have more things to do and jot down in my planner! I want a job so I can have some semblance of financial stability! But even waiting a day to get my keys feels painful.

Aghhh. HURRY UP! I'm losing my mind waiting around!

I've been daydreaming about the upcoming school year. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been going to bed early and therefore drifting awake early. Waking up early gives you so much TIME. So much that I don't even know what to do with it at this point. I'm hoping that I'll be able to wake up early once school starts so I can get some things done in the morning. I have fantasies of doing early morning yoga, of watching Disney movies and sitting down to a breakfast of half a grapefruit with a poached egg, toast and coffee, of going for a swim before class, of taking morning epsom salt baths (I just read an article about a dancer who does this every day to warm up her muscles for the day ahead). It all sounds so amazing. I'm praying that I'll actually be able to do it instead of oversleeping and rushing to class out of breath. For once I'd like to feel well-fed, warmed up and generally prepared for classes. Send earlybird vibes, pleeeease!

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.

Done (?)

I was just reading over some older LiveJournal entries from my first semester at the U of A. It made me realize just how much school and I aren't really working out. I think I need to be done with it for awhile, and do something else. Or just take more time off until I figure out an academic plan that I can realistically follow through with. But honestly, I think I need to give up on it for now. I adore my classmates so much, and wish I could finish this journey with them. But I can't. It's only making me miserable, and it's done nothing but make me miserable in the past. I think I'm done.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
--The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

Finallys and Updates. And Urinetown on my mind.

Today was a day full of FINALLYs.

I FINALLY...

• Begrudgingly woke up a teeeeeny bit earlier and therefore had a little bit more time to eat a light breakfast, have tea, and check internet things before getting ready and leaving for class. Of course, I did get kind of caught up in the high of having a little more time and ended up hanging out a bit longer than I should've and was a couple minutes late for class. Ha. But WHATEVA. I actually got there; I didn't sleep through it, or get there so late that I had to sit out and observe, or get there so late that I get too embarrassed to walk in and end up going back home instead. Baby steps.
• Had one or two brief moments in class where I actually felt some JOY in moving again. I've been struggling so much all year that I kind of forgot what it feels to genuinely enjoy dancing. Don't get me wrong, I still struggled a LOT in class and I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be. But having those few fleeting moments of enjoyment was a relief.
• Found an amazingly adorable weekender bag at Target! I plan on using it for my upcoming whirlwind trip to Boston and New York in a couple of weeks. I know from experience that trains and bulky luggage are the most pain-in-the-ass combination ever, so I've been on the hunt for a weekender bag that's big enough to hold whatever clothes/toiletries I need but is small enough that I can carry it without huffing and puffing and smacking people's ankles. I also wanted it for future short trips to Tucson and (hopefully) New York, since duffles and suitcases are just too much hassle for short trips. And I fiiiinally found one today that I love.
• Officially finished planning said whirlwind trip to Boston and New York. I'm taking an overnight flight to Boston on September 30th, seeing the glorious Amanda Palmer in Cabaret at American Repertory Theater in Cambridge on October 1st, taking the train into NYC on October 2nd to meet up with Steve and see the Batsheva Dance Company that night at the Joyce (!!!!!), then flying back to Phoenix on October 3rd (not until 7 PM-ish, so Steve and I can hang out a little more.) Planning this has been irritatingly difficult, but today I finished everything up; I booked my flight back to Phoenix, bought tickets to Batsheva, booked a hotel in Boston, and bought my train ticket from Boston to New York. SUCH a relief to have all that done.
• Remembered to start taking a multivitamin and Vitamin D supplement, as per my dietician's suggestion (more on that in a second). I bought one of those weekly pill organizers like a 70 year old woman so I can keep track of what I need to take each day. Along with the vitamins, I also put in the thyroid medication I've recently started on (more on that later, too). And over the next couple weeks to a month or so, I'll probably be adding a couple more medications to my old lady pill organizer as well.
• Figured out some kinks on my website that have been making the pages look all wonky. Suck it, iWeb!
• Uploaded my updated dance reel to YouTube, Vimeo, and Facebook. I finished it a million years ago, but kept forgetting to upload it.
• Got a picture of Ragnar sleeping with his paws over his eyes! So adorable! I've tried to capture this for ages, but he always moves whenever I reach for my camera. Because he's a jumpy little scaredy cat. But I finally got it!

D'awwww.

Miscellaneous Updates:

• SCHOOL: It's been hit-or-miss. I'm only taking two classes, one per day, but it's still a challenge for me to find the motivation to actually show up. Last week was particularly miserable and frustrating; I only made it to one class all week and just felt awful, ashamed, and guilty about it. But this week has been better. My Modern class was really tough at first. But after the first week or so, it went from feeling like unbearable hell-on-Earth to a manageable struggle. I have a different teacher (Carley Conder), so it was hard to get used to her style. But it's getting easier. The struggle comes from being out of shape, and being so fatigued. The fatigue is particularly frustrating because it fucks with my focus and memory, making it incredibly difficult to retain choreography. But I'm dealing. I've also kept Carley abreast of the whole health situation. (HA! I've never had an opportunity to use "abreast" in a sentence! I feel so delightfully pompous!) My other class is 3rd Year Seminar, which focuses on Community Dance. It isn't too bad so far. But despite that, it's still a constant challenge to just GET UP AND GO.
• HEALTH: Last month I started seeing an endocrinologist, who promptly ordered up lots of extensive blood work. As you probably saw on Facebook or Twitter, I actually passed out twice consecutively after getting one of the tests done! So awful. I got the labs back about a week later. They found a couple things, the main thing being insulin resistance: my blood sugar was normal, but my body was producing HUGE amounts of insulin to keep it normal, AND the cells are resistant to absorbing said insulin. They think this is what caused me to gain so much weight over the past year. They had me meet with a dietician to plan out which foods to eat and when, so it'll regulate insulin levels. I'm also considering the option of going on a medication that prevents the liver from producing excess sugar, which should also help regulate things. The dietician said that the only thing that will change the actual physiology of the insulin-resistant cells is by increasing exercise...which I've been wanting to do, but just haven't been able to. The labs also found a slightly underactive thyroid, so I started on some on low-dose medication to fix that. HOWEVER, none of this was severe enough to cause fatigue and depression to the extent that I've been experiencing. Which brings me to...
• MENTAL HEALTH: I've decided to try going on antidepressants. In all honesty, they still scare the living daylights out of me. But things have just gotten unbearable (this somewhat pleasant week has been the first in many miserable weeks), and I know I'm NOT going to be able to implement the lifestyle changes my endocrinologist and dietician suggested unless I get some kind of chemical help to alleviate the heaviness a little. My therapist referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who I'm meeting next week to help me start all this antidepressant business. She also recommended that I go back to my primary care physician for an EKG and a sleep study referral to rule out heart issues or narcolepsy as a cause for the ridiculously extreme fatigue I've been experiencing. (We're talking sleeping 12+ hours a day and STILL feeling tired. It's horrible.) The fatigue combined with depression makes so many tasks impossible to do, from going to class or shopping for groceries, to even getting up to go to the damn bathroom. It's incredibly frustrating, particularly because there's nothing in my life that is conducive to me feeling THIS unhappy. So I'm willing to try almost anything to STOP feeling like this.
• STEVE: Well, he's 3000 miles away, and that blows. I really hate not having him around. We talk on the phone practically every day, and I just sent him his computer so he'll hopefully be getting Skype soon. But it's just difficult not having him HERE. The Amanda Palmer quote I posted definitely sums things up a little; he really does feel like an idea more than a flesh and blood memory. Things are okay and everything, but I really just don't know how to do this, and hate that he's so far away. I wish there was some kind of manual I could read or something. I recently rewatched the last season of Gilmore Girls for the first time since I finished it awhile ago. It was definitely pretty interesting watching it from the perspective of being in a long-distance relationship. I wrote down some great dialogue from an episode where Rory is struggling with how to actually be in an LDR. I'll definitely post it later, since it describes things way more eloquently than I could. I'm so looking forward to seeing him in NYC soon, even if it's only for like 24 hours. (Stupid school, and stupid me for using up all my excused absences already.) Hopefully I can go back soon after that; probably not for Thanksgiving, but definitely over winter break. OR, hopefully he can come back here to visit.
• MISC: I'm thinking of auditioning for Urinetown at Paradise Valley Community College. I lovelovelove that show and have always wanted to do it! Steve was in PVCC's Into the Woods, and they really did an incredible job with the show. The same director and choreographer will be working on Urinetown, too, so hopefully it'll be just as good as Into the Woods was. The only problem is that I'll be out of town the weekend of auditions, so if I schedule an alternate audition time, it will most likely be like NEXT WEEK. So it all depends on whether or not I can get my shit together quickly enough. If I go through with it, I'll probably audition for Little Sally since it'd be a fun role. But I honestly just want an ensemble role more than anything. Ensemble roles are a huuuge part of Urinetown, and that's one of the reasons I love the show so much. The ensemble is always hysterically funny! The only other problem is that PVCC is FAR, like a 45 minute drive (without traffic). But if I feel up to a) preparing audition pieces, b) being in a show, and c) driving all the way out there for rehearsal every day, then I'll do it. Because I freakin love that show!

And that's about it for now. I'll keep you updated on everything.

University of Wily Exuberance

This was my horoscope from Free Will Astrology last week. I think it kind of sums things up.

CANCER (June 21st-July 22nd)
This would be an excellent time for you to get aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the Institute of Getting Down to Business.

Yep.

On a completely different note, here is a random sampling of my Irrational Thinking/Rampant Imagination:
I came home earlier and saw that some of the lights were on. Which always makes me feel like all is not right in Whoville, since Jonathan (roommate) always turns all the lights off even when he's home. But his car wasn't in the driveway AND the door was locked, so I assumed he was probably out somewhere (it is Friday night, after all) and just didn't turn the lights off or something. Now, a normal person would just stop at that logical conclusion. But my imagination tends to run wild. SO, I'm still half-convinced that I'm going to find Jonathan murdered and stuffed in a closet, and the reason his car is gone is that the killer stole it. The kitties have the crazies right now, which only creeps me out even more, like they're trying to tell me something.

Shut up, brain.

"I've lost Hunt and Torres. See, I sent them to get Shepherd and I never heard from them again. See, I was trying to solve the Shepherd situation for you, Sir, but, It appears I've somehow made it three times worse. So...I'm telling you, and my next move I believe is that I'm gonna call the police. Because...I'm half-convinced they're all dead. On a spit. With a one-armed man turning them into shishkebabs. Sir. It's my mind. It just goes there."
--Dr. Bailey, Grey's Anatomy #5.18: "Stand By Me"

I don't care how impossible they are, I love the ferry episodes.

Meredith: I was swimming. I was fighting. And then I thought...just for a second, I thought, "What's the point?" And I let go. I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody...
Denny: Okay.

--Grey's Anatomy #3.17: "Some Kind of Miracle"

That's all for now. Update soon, I hope. I haven't really felt much like writing recently, even though there's been much on my mind.

One notable thing from today, though, is that I finally withdrew from my last class. I hate that complete withdrawals have to be done in person, mostly because I can barely bring myself to leave the house during the day. But I finally dragged myself down there because the deadline is tomorrow. I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or gloomy afterward, but now I guess I feel a combination of both. Glad I got it out of the way, but just gloomy about how everything has turned out. My classmates have been posting videos of their final projects on Facebook. I can't bring myself to watch them, but just seeing them pop up on my news feed literally makes my heart hurt. That's the only way to describe it. My heart hurts. And it spreads through my entire body until I just hurt all over. I wish I could've at least been able to make it through the rest of the semester, then I could take next semester off instead. But I knew I couldn't continue. There was absolutely no way. Doesn't stop my heart from hurting, though.

But at least I have weepy Grey's Anatomy episodes, ice cream, and sad bastard music to keep me company while I wallow for a bit and start trying to figure things out. I discovered this extremely morose band yesterday called Susanna and the Magical Orchestra; they cover songs that are already quite morose and make them even MORE morose. Excellent.