Equus and Paralyzing Fear

I went to see the play Equus last night, put on by Nearly Naked Theatre in Phoenix.

(For those of you who don't remember, Equus is the play that Daniel Radcliffe performed in a few years back and everyone flipped out because his role required full-frontal nudity. And holy hell, full-frontal nudity there is! Both male and female.)

The show was phenomenal. It was long, but fascinating and deliciously cerebral. The story is a strange one, about a boy who randomly blinds six horses with a metal spike and the psychiatrist who takes on his case. But it delves into so many topics with abandon; religion, sexuality, psychology, family, emotional development...I was rapt.

Even though I haven't been active in some time, I still keep a close eye on the goings-on in the local theater scene here in Phoenix. Awhile back, I saw an audition notice for Equus. They had already cast the main roles, but were looking for actors/dancers to play the six horses. I immediately got the shivers. I wanted to do it so badly. I had every reason to: I'm a dancer, so the movement wouldn't be difficult for me. My favorite step in ballet is the pas de cheval, which translates to "step of the horse." I've even played a horse before in a musical called Man of La Mancha a few years back (and fucking rocked if I do say so myself). And yet, something kept me from sending in my headshot and resume. I had some concrete personal reasons...I don't have loads of time/energy to spare so rehearsing and performing may have been difficult on top of school/work, I was shy about wearing the sexy costumes (click on the link at the end of the entry, then ENTER to see what the male horses wore), and even more shy about the scars that cover my legs which would undoubtedly be on display if I was cast.

I realized last night that all those reasons were stupid.

The horses entered and moved gracefully and beautifully across the stage, wearing their gorgeous headpieces which transformed them into the illusion of horses, and I was immediately filled with so much regret. I could have pulled off the female costumes, and the scars would've been camouflaged by fishnet thigh-high stockings. I was only half-surprised when I felt myself starting to cry. I had missed out on an absolutely INCREDIBLE opportunity for reasons I thought were valid, but were really just paralyzing fear. I was scared of being vulnerable onstage again, scared of balancing school/work and rehearsals/performances, scared of meeting new people and experiencing new things. I was just fucking scared. Of everything.

I've always been scared. I'm a scared person with a lot of fears; some rational, some irrational. There was a period in my life where I was able to push through that fear and do scary things. I made myself do scary things, and often. But now I'm right back where I started from. Looking at the audition notice for a role I'm perfect for, and turning away to hide under the covers; acting like it's no big deal that I'm chickening out. It IS a big deal. This paralyzing fear is taking over my whole life and I can't stand it anymore.

So I'm done. I want to do scary things again. I don't want to miss out on opportunities like Equus anymore. I want to believe that I can handle scary things when I need to; that in the end they'll be beneficial to me and my life. Six gorgeous humans-as-horses have inspired me to not be scared.

I started that night. I walked straight up to the director of the show and introduced myself. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years (long story as to how that happened) but I've always been too shy to meet him in person. But we finally met last night. It felt good to overcome a fear, even if it was just a small one.

I don't want to be scared anymore. So I won't.

P.S. I might go see Equus again this weekend. If you get a chance and live in the Phoenix area, SEE IT. Even if you only go for the naked people. :) It's a great show. Visit http://www.nearlynakedtheatre.org for more information about the show and this great little theater company.

Auld Lang Syne

It's New Years Eve. I'm pretty happy that 2012 is ending...it started out pretty great, but then got progressively worse until everything was an absolute mess. So a fresh start (or at least the illusion of one) is coming at just the right time.

I feel like calling new goals "resolutions" kind of jinxes them, so instead I've just compiled a rough list of some things I'd like to do in 2013, in no particular order, and definitely subject to revision. I'm also not going to kick myself if I don't get any or all done. But it's nice to have a foundation to shape my year around.

SO. In 2013, I would like to...

1. Get Healthier. Maintain my PCOS diet as laid out my my nutritionist, keep up with my medications, safely manage self-destructive habits if I can't quit them altogether, and just generally take care of myself.
2. Start going on short walks. The weather is so nice this time of year, and I think heading to Tempe Town Lake occasionally for some casual strolls would be fun.
3. Make time for reading, writing, and art. I've been doing that more recently, so this is just something I'd like to continue doing.
4. Take up fun physical activities again like yoga, swimming, and skating. And maybe even try something new like CrossFit, even though it's expensive as all hell.
5. Choreograph something. I've had a lot of ideas for solos floating around in my head.
6. Keep my apartment as clean as I can manage. Keep up on laundry and general cleaning so I don't end up with piles of stuff everywhere.
7. Do better in school. I'm tantalizingly close to being done, y'know. Hopefully the fact that I'm taking some fun classes (except for math) will give me extra motivation.
8. GRADUATE. Winter 2013. It's happening. And I will probably be drunk for an entire month afterwards!
9. Get another job, or possibly apply at a corporate Starbucks. Not that I hate my current job or anything, but I think adding another one (particularly one with benefits) might be good. Plus, if I choose to go to a corporate Starbucks, I think they can transfer me to another one when I move to a currently undetermined location after graduation.
10. Manage money better and save for future plans. I'm terrible with money and would like to change that.

And Never Brought to Mind

Happy New Year! I'm happy that 2011 has ended. The first half was the worst few months of my life. I spent most of it asleep, and the rest daydreaming about dying. Then the rest of the year was spent trying to repair the damage. So needless to say, it was a rough year, and I'm ready for a fresh start. I spent New Year's on the marina in Sarasota, FL watching fireworks and sipping champagne with Kay and her roommate. Earlier, I watched a Rat Pack revue show and then saw Next to Normal for the second time, all at the fabulous Florida Studio Theatre. Not a bad way to ring in the New Year. I'm looking forward to the future.

Moving Day!

Today is the day! I'm sitting here all awkward while the movers load all my stuff into the truck. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be doing. So I thought I'd write.

My poor Ragnar kitty was scared shitless when the movers arrived! As I knew he would be. He ran up on the counter and tried to hide behind the stuff on top of the fridge, which didn't work out too well. He finally ran into the back room and I shut the door so he could freak out in peace.

Even though today is moving day, I still have a couple of small boxes that aren't fully packed yet, like toiletries and kitchen stuff. But they're light enough that I can schlep them over by myself later. Then there's a lot of stuff in the garage that is all going to be recycled or going to Goodwill, and I have to pack that up and get rid of it. Then there's a massive amount of cleaning to be done before I'm officially moved out. So I've got a good few days of work left here. But at least I'll have the majority of my stuff over at the new place, ready to be unpacked. My goal is to be completely settled in by the time school starts.

The movers are just about ready to go, so I'll sign off for now. Think happy, efficient thoughts for the cleaning/unpacking process!

Movin' On Up

I got my keys today! And I got to see my apartment. I was worried that mine wouldn't be as cute as the unit I saw on the tour, but I was wrong to worry because it's ADORABLE. Cute little living room and dining room, cute little kitchen, cute little everything! I'm so excited to get all my stuff in there and start unpacking and decorating. The rest of the day was spent buying and putting together a coffee table and TV stand from IKEA. I usually suck at putting things together, but it actually wasn't too bad at all! The only bad thing is that the coffee table ended up being bigger than the TV stand and it looks a bit awkward...oops. I'll figure out what to do about that later this week. Tomorrow my Mama and I are heading back to IKEA to buy bigger furniture like a sofa and dining room table, and then possibly head to Target to get some kitchen stuff (I got a lot of sweet kitchen stuff for my birthday, but still need a few appliances like a blender, coffee maker, etc).

Woo-hoo! I'm so exciiiiited. I'm trying to fall asleep, but I'm too antsy. I keep thinking about stuff to do and lists to make and flipping through decorating ideas.

In other news, I stopped by the new Oregano's that's opening up in south Tempe to drop off an application. Unfortunately, they already hired enough people for the opening. Damn it! But the manager said that they may need more people in about a month. I'm crossing my fingers that they hire me then, because I reeeeally need a job. I had fun filling out the application; I hope they get a kick out of my responses. One of the questions asked about the funniest thing that's ever happened to you--I chose the time I fell down in an elevator full of people at IKEA while wearing a skirt! Bahaha. It was fun to reminisce about that shining moment in my life.

Whaaaat a day. And it's only the beginning. LOT'S to do before the movers come on Saturday!

Where's my Marshmallow Shooter?

I've been completing various tasks over the past couple of days in preparation for my upcoming move. I got renter's insurance, paid all my move-in fees, set up my water account, and scoped out cable/internet prices (which are absurdly expensive). Today I went down to SRP and set up utilities in my name. Then I signed my lease! I'm pretty much all set to get my keys! Which I'll be doing on Monday, and then the movers come next Saturday. So I'll have the week to shop for furniture and pack. SO. EXCITED. I was so overwhelmed when my complex handed me this daunting list of scary tasks to do, but I managed to do them all. And on my own. AHH. It doesn't sound like a big deal, I know, but you have to understand that I basically don't know how to do shit. So it's a big deal to me. I kind of feel all adult-like. Except I'm a fraud, because a real adult would have a job by now, which I don't. Although there is a new Oregano's opening up in Tempe, so maybe I'll apply there? Who knows.

I've been devouring Parks and Recreation lately. That show is a little tough to get into because the first season is a bit awkward, but then it takes off and becomes ridiculously hilarious! I highly recommend it. There are so many moments when I had to pause it because I was laughing so hard! Anyway, I watched an episode today where two of the characters are essentially taught how to be adults. But at Bed, Bath and Beyond, they totally buy a marshmallow shooter along with all their home gadgets. That's more my style! After a day of adult-like tasks, I'm ready to do something silly like buy a marshmallow shooter for equilibrium.

I'M SO EXCITED TO MOVE! KEYS IN TWO DAYS, MOVING IN SEVEN!! Now I just have to pack....Eek.

Well, I'm back.

And all this hurts so much that I can't think straight.

I scribbled lots of stuff down at JFK and on the plane, so maybe I'll post it tomorrow when my brain is working again. I'm going to sleep.

Things

GOOD:

• Spent a couple hours with my family in Tucson yesterday to celebrate my Adoption Day (which is actually the 15th, but I'll be out of town). Played Scrabble and my Mom sent me back with a pumpkin pie. Om nom nom. She also got me a Disney Princess greeting card that plays "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." 'Cause I'm five years old, for real.
• Went shopping at Old Navy today because I desperately needed some new jeans. Turns out they were still having massive clearance sales, and I ended up getting a quite few pairs of jeans at deliciously low prices. Including a pair of skinny jeans! And they all look really good on me, which rarely happens. Scorrrre.
• My Dad called earlier to ask me to send him some ASU tuition statements for tax stuff. The conversation wasn't all strained and awkward and felt a little more natural. I hope things will continue to get a little better between us.
• My doctors appointment the other day went pretty well. He took a billion vials of blood to run a bunch of different tests on and ordered a sleep study, which I'll probably do in the next few weeks. Anxiously awaiting results.
• Derek is coming to visit AZ tomorrow! I haven't seen him in at least a year so I'm excited to catch up.

CRAPPY:

• I'm exhausted and scary depressed ALL. THE. TIME. I was so tired the other night that I barely remember being at Marissa's epic Harry Potter birthday party. The one thing I do remember is being so tired that I had trouble talking to people because I couldn't think of the right words to use. Later in the evening, I went into my room to check something on my laptop, dozed off, and drifted awake at like 6 AM. My life.
• My hair is ridiculous. Every time I've washed it since getting it cut, it just turns out greasy and disgusting. I try to only use a tiny bit of shampoo/conditioner, but still can't wash all of it out. Or something. It's driving me insane. I'm also pulling large clumps out of it. Awesome.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL:

• Going to New York on Thursday to visit Steve. I feel like I really need to see him to get some closure, so I can figure out how to be friends. But I guess I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. I really just have no idea how to do this.
• School starts next week, and I don't know if I can actually handle it. I'm scared. And don't feel at all rested or refreshed from Winter Break, just more exhausted.

On the same page all along.

I hope to go into a little more detail later, because there's so much to explain.

But basically, Steve and I broke up last night.

While he was the one to initiate the conversation, it was definitely a mutual decision. And an amicable one. As far as break-ups go, I'm so thankful that ours was relatively smooth (for lack of better words). It wasn't messy or bitter or mean. Very painful and very sad, yes. But not messy. And I think we were more open with each other than we've ever been. The fact is that the core of our relationship is spending time together, and the distance just grew to be too much. But we love each other and care about each other very much; we still want to be in each others lives, be there for each other, and remain close friends. But we just can't be together. I know everyone says that they want to remain friends as a futile way to make it all sting less. But that's not how this is. I believe that we really will be friends. I have absolutely no idea how to do that after being romantically involved for over two years, but I know I'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

That doesn't mean I'm not sad, though. I know I'll eventually be okay, but I'm very sad right now. And I wish things could have been different. I'm feeling a million things at once which is why I can really only give headlines right now until I process everything. The only expression that sums all this up right now is I don't know which way is up. Which made me remember exactly how I felt the day I dropped him off at the airport. I realized that the last thing I wrote on that day still applies now, just in a radically different context:

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.


So ready for some sad bastard movies now.

The meek shall inherit the Earth!

One of the movies I've been looking forward to seeing this season is Morning Glory. I was worried that it wouldn't be as good as the trailer made it out to be, but OHMAGOD. I'm overjoyed to report that it was SO. DAMN. GOOD. It was hysterical and attention-grabbing and inspiring. I am officially obsessed with Rachel McAdams' character, Becky. She's my new hero. While she's ambitious and hard-working, she's also sort of meek and scattered and awkward. But manages to completely kick ass. She keeps people in line and commands respect, but not in a way that's expected...in that she's in charge but still meek and awkward at the same time. Which is pretty much exactly how I want to be. I honestly liked the movie so much that I almost saw it AGAIN after I got back to Mesa tonight. But ended up feeling pretty worn out from not sleeping well last night and dealing with complete a-holes on the freeway. Plus I desperately wanted to spend some quality time with my kitty. :) So maybe I'll see it again tomorrow instead! (Ooh, and as an added bonus, Patrick Wilson is only a tiny part of the movie. Which is delightful because I CAN'T STAND HIM.)

Being in Tucson for Thanksgiving was nice, but I'm really happy to be back here. It was so great to see my family, especially siblings I hadn't seen in awhile! (Even though I was stupidly antisocial and kind of felt like a deadbeat family member sometimes.) Ooh, and I went through my bookshelves and plucked out a whole bunch of books that I'd bought years ago but either never got around to reading or just gave up on them halfway through. I've been ravenously devouring books recently, and I'm excited to dive into all these. But despite all that, I'm so happy to be back in Mesa. I missed my big bed, the kitties, fast internet, midnight bowls of Cocoa Puffs, and...I don't know, just being HERE. With all my familiar things. And with FREEWAYS. I can't remember how I used to function without freeways. As much as I love Tucson, there's just no way I'd ever be able to move back. Even visits longer than two days feel like moving backward. And I really just want to move forward now.

Recap of My Boston/NYC Trip

I actually wrote this as soon as I got back last month, but forgot to post it on here, 'cause I fail.

Here's a basic overview of my trip. With some verbose tangents thrown in, because I am me.

THURSDAY 9/30

• Packed up my supercute weekender bag.
• Realized upon arriving at the airport that the weekender bag may be supercute, but it's no fun dragging around (it doesn't have wheels or a shoulder strap). However, it's perfect for trips that don't involve air travel. Live and learn. Anytime I fly, I'm sticking with my favorite wheelie suitcases. Had a bit of frustration at security, since it was my first time not checking baggage. I knew about the fluids in 3 oz bottles thing, but I thought putting them all in the same toiletry bag would suffice. Nope. They have to be in a separate plastic bag or some shit. The security guy made me feel like a supreme dumbass. Oh, well. Live and learn, part II.
• Red-eye flight to Newark. Of COURSE the only time I'm not out like a light on an airplane is on a red-eye flight! Meh. I think I was just too excited to sleep.
• Realized what a bullshit joke airplanes are. I think we've all just slipped into complacency about airplanes, when really we should revolt. Seriously, they're so cramped and uncomfortable and oppressive. And all to squeeze as many people (meaning people's money) on there at once. STUPID. We should have an airplane revolution.

FRIDAY 10/1

• We landed through a huge rainstorm. The rain was horizontal as we flew through it; I've never seen anything like that! Pretty to watch.
• Unfortunately, the pretty rain delayed my flight for 3 hours. UGH. Finally started feeling sleepy, so those 3 hours were spent in uncomfortable sleeping positions in the waiting area.
• FINALLY took off for Boston in the tiny tin can of a commuter jet. Immediately fell asleep, which was a blessing. The flight was EXTREMELY turbulent, but I was too exhausted to feel scared.
• Landed in Boston. My shuttle driver got lost trying to find the Hampton Inn I was staying at. Aghh.
• Immediately upon entering my room, I stripped off all my clothes and sank into a tub of hot water while watching Julie & Julia. Bliss. It's easy to forget how hard travel is on your body! This was followed by a long nap.
• The cab driver kept misunderstanding everything that came out of my mouth; mistaking "Arrow St" for "Amory St," then misspelling "Arrow" on the GPS. But somehow I made it to the Oberon Theater for...
  
• CABARET!!!! Which was absolutely incredible! After the show I met Steven Mitchell Wright (the choreographer/movement director), and also met AMANDA FUCKING PALMER herself. More on all this soon. I was shaking the whole night.

SATURDAY 10/2

• Took a train from Boston to New York City. The train was so roomy, comfortable and quiet. I slept most of the time, and watched Gilmore Girls on my laptop. The last stop before Penn Station was in New Rochelle! Which made me giggle because I'm a giant nerd, and made Ragtime stuck in my head for a bit.
• Met up with Steve at Penn Station!!!! So happyyyyyyy!
• We went back to his apartment in Brooklyn. His neighborhood is so pretty, it's practically out of a damn movie! Brownstones and tree-lined sidewalks. Ridiculously pretty.
• Batsheva Dance Company at the Joyce Theater! Pretty much a religious experience! I've been obsessed with them for so long, and was so happy to finally see them in person. I totally spotted artistic director/choreographer/BAMF Ohad Naharin from across the room after the show!!!! I couldn't actually meet him, because he was downstairs at the backstage entrance next to the lounge area, and I had spotted him from the lobby upstairs. But that's okay. I know I will meet him someday. But just seeing him from across the room was basically like seeing Santa Claus!!! No joke.
• Dinner with Steve at Stuzzicheria, the tiny and delicious Italian restaurant where he works. Our meal was huuuuge and SO SO SO GOOD. Holy delicious. Go there if you're ever in NYC. I got to meet all his co-workers, too, which was nice.
• Barhopping at his favorite places after dinner. Tribeca Tavern where they have Delerium Tremons on tap and a really cool bartender named Will, and the Reade Street Pub.

SUNDAY 10/3

• Brunch at Centro Vinoteca, where I got to meet Steve's brother as well as his sister-in-law and adorable baby nephew. It was great--and a little scary--to finally meet some of his family! They were really nice. I hope that they liked me, and I hope that I didn't come off as ditzy. Sometimes when I try to be more outgoing, I tend to just sound like a ditz. Centro Vinoteca had more of a savory brunch menu (is savory the right word? I don't know). I got these perfect poached eggs on top of a delicious beef bolognese sauce and polenta, with a glass of white wine, coffee, and various tasty appetizers.
• Back to Steve's apartment for a post-brunch nap before I got in a cab for JFK and Steve headed to work (he had to cover someone's shift at the last minute). Tears in the cab and began missing him already. Remembered how JFK is basically the worst airport in the history of airports and how I never have pleasant experiences there. Last time I was there a couple years ago, my flight was delayed for 8 hours. So what better place to be kicked while I was down than the unaccommodating overcrowded hellhole known as JFK?? (Tangent Time: I think it's just archaic and stupid for airports to a) charge for wi-fi and b) not provide travelers with a sufficient amount of working outlets or charging stations to charge their phones/laptops, etc. I mean, SERIOUSLY. If Starbucks stopped charging for wi-fi, I think airports can suck it up, too. Such a rip-off, and just ridiculous given the rapidly more technological society we're living in. I honestly equate paying for wi-fi and not being able to charge one's laptop with the archaic-ness of dial-up internet. GET IT TOGETHER, AIRPORTS.)
• Long, uneventful flight back to PHX. Felt very bittersweet, given the amazing few days I just had. And I was sad because it went by so fast, and I really have no idea when I'll get to see Steve in person again. :/ But a quick trip is better than no trip at all.

Sad and Happy.

(I actually wrote this earrrly this morning--Steve's flight was at 7:00 AM--but I didn't really have the energy to post it anywhere but my LiveJournal.)

I just dropped Steve off at the airport...

And after all the hell I put myself through trying to wrap my mind around the idea of breaking up, we actually decided to stay together and try the long distance thing. I honestly have no idea where things will go, particularly because I don't have plans to move anytime soon (nor am I sure I'll ultimately end up in NYC; I'm interested in a few other cities). But breaking up just didn't feel right at all. We both felt like this isn't the end. And even though it's going to be difficult and neither of us really know how to do this, we want to be together and in each others lives.

But at the same time, I feel this huge void. We're still together, but he's not here. That really knocked the wind out of me when I was walking back to my car after seeing him off. He's not here. Things are different. And that void feels so huge that I want nothing more than to jump on a plane to New York immediately just to have a movie night over Pacificos with lime, fall asleep next to him, and go to brunch in the morning. I'm not sure how to deal with this, and it's going to be a huge adjustment. I'm lucky to have a Dad with billions of frequent flyer miles and a brother-in-law who works for an airline; meaning that visits won't be too difficult or expensive to arrange.

Basically, I can't believe he isn't here. But I am so happy that we're still together, and I love the feeling that I can still call him and tell him about my day.

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.