Thinking.

I love updating my website. I love writing my dance blog. I love putting promotional press-kit type packages together with my resume, demo DVD, references, business card, etc. and sending them to theaters. I love doing my work. I just need to find a way to actually get paid for that work more often. I'm pretty sure Sweet Charity scarred me for life. I feel like ever since we barely made it through that production process, I've forgotten how to do my job. And I forgot how it feels to NOT have to hold a show together with both hands. I am terrified of that happening again. I can't get over the fear that Sweet Charity instilled in me long enough to even think about sending out my DVD to theaters and asking them for jobs.

Another thing that keeps me from promoting myself is school. It is incredibly difficult for me to work on a show full-time while being in school full-time as well, as I found out the hard way with Ragtime and Sweet Charity. I'm trying to figure out how and if I should get back into choreographing musicals, and school is a major factor in that decision. While I get fantastic on-the-job training, working in theater often derails my school process. I start putting off school stuff to catch up on theater stuff, I don't spend time on campus, I don't focus on creating contemporary work or performing in pieces because I'm already too busy. It's just not possible to balance both. If all goes to plan, I should be graduating in three semesters. But that's a hell of a long time to go without being in theater. Plus there are some amazing shows going on next season that I would love to choreograph. I can't wear myself too thin again, but I also don't like having to choose between school and theater. I'm so confused. Meh. But I suppose there are things I can do in the meantime to keep up with theater people, like getting my dance-class-for-actors thing off the ground. I think I found a good space for it; I just need to inquire about pricing and scheduling and whatnot.

In other news, I finally went to the SRC today (ASU's rec center). I've been meaning to go forever, but have NOT had the energy or motivation. Today I dragged myself there and did 25 minutes on the bike and swam 12 lengths in the pool. I'm SO rusty and out of shape, and am now ridiculously sore. But I did it. It was like pulling teeth, but I did it. I feel kind of silly for being proud of myself...but I really haven't been able to do much of anything until now so it's a bit of a big deal for me.

After I got home, I hopped in the shower and then painted my nails a beautiful deep shade of fuschia. It's about the same shade that I want to dye my hair when I go to my cut and color appointment this weekend! It's time for pink hair. I don't care if it further impairs my ability to get a job. There are some places that would embrace a freaky girl with freaky hair, and hopefully they'll hire me. But this is something I've wanted to do forever and if I don't do it now, I probably never will. Pink hair, ahoy!

You would think I'd feel happy on nights like this. Content. But all I really feel is lonely. I hate that.

That's all for now. I'm currently curled up with wine and Inglourious Basterds (by myself). Bon soir.

Crossroads

I still have writing from the airport and airplane that I intend on sharing soon. But right now, I need to let you know some things. First of all, I am so sorry if this scares you. Or if I've scared you. I have been in the position where I've feared for a friend's life, and it's awful. It's not my intention to put that on any of you. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, and I'm so sorry that I can't snap out of this for you all. After writing down some very scary memories and thoughts tonight (which I'm not sure if I want to post yet), and thinking about some other things that I can't get out of my head, I started crying and shaking. Uncontrollably. So much so that I ended up vomiting.

I've decided not to go to class tomorrow--well, today. I am going to take care of some things, drive Derek to the airport, talk to my therapist and parents. I think that I may have to be hospitalized. And soon. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months, and tonight I feel I've reached a point where I could potentially be a danger to myself if drastic steps are not taken. Please know that nothing will happen to me tonight. I'm sure of it. But I know that I can't make it through another night like this. So I intend on getting more help.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything.

Lonely Saturday

"neil is coming today.
i’ve missed him a lot. he gets less real when he’s not around.
we’ve determined that after a certain point, we become theoretical lovers instead of real ones - ideas to each other instead of flesh and blood memories.
zoë keating, cellist road warrior, claims that the theoretical-lover threshold is 3 weeks. i think she’s just about right."
--From Amanda Palmer's Blog