Equus and Paralyzing Fear

I went to see the play Equus last night, put on by Nearly Naked Theatre in Phoenix.

(For those of you who don't remember, Equus is the play that Daniel Radcliffe performed in a few years back and everyone flipped out because his role required full-frontal nudity. And holy hell, full-frontal nudity there is! Both male and female.)

The show was phenomenal. It was long, but fascinating and deliciously cerebral. The story is a strange one, about a boy who randomly blinds six horses with a metal spike and the psychiatrist who takes on his case. But it delves into so many topics with abandon; religion, sexuality, psychology, family, emotional development...I was rapt.

Even though I haven't been active in some time, I still keep a close eye on the goings-on in the local theater scene here in Phoenix. Awhile back, I saw an audition notice for Equus. They had already cast the main roles, but were looking for actors/dancers to play the six horses. I immediately got the shivers. I wanted to do it so badly. I had every reason to: I'm a dancer, so the movement wouldn't be difficult for me. My favorite step in ballet is the pas de cheval, which translates to "step of the horse." I've even played a horse before in a musical called Man of La Mancha a few years back (and fucking rocked if I do say so myself). And yet, something kept me from sending in my headshot and resume. I had some concrete personal reasons...I don't have loads of time/energy to spare so rehearsing and performing may have been difficult on top of school/work, I was shy about wearing the sexy costumes (click on the link at the end of the entry, then ENTER to see what the male horses wore), and even more shy about the scars that cover my legs which would undoubtedly be on display if I was cast.

I realized last night that all those reasons were stupid.

The horses entered and moved gracefully and beautifully across the stage, wearing their gorgeous headpieces which transformed them into the illusion of horses, and I was immediately filled with so much regret. I could have pulled off the female costumes, and the scars would've been camouflaged by fishnet thigh-high stockings. I was only half-surprised when I felt myself starting to cry. I had missed out on an absolutely INCREDIBLE opportunity for reasons I thought were valid, but were really just paralyzing fear. I was scared of being vulnerable onstage again, scared of balancing school/work and rehearsals/performances, scared of meeting new people and experiencing new things. I was just fucking scared. Of everything.

I've always been scared. I'm a scared person with a lot of fears; some rational, some irrational. There was a period in my life where I was able to push through that fear and do scary things. I made myself do scary things, and often. But now I'm right back where I started from. Looking at the audition notice for a role I'm perfect for, and turning away to hide under the covers; acting like it's no big deal that I'm chickening out. It IS a big deal. This paralyzing fear is taking over my whole life and I can't stand it anymore.

So I'm done. I want to do scary things again. I don't want to miss out on opportunities like Equus anymore. I want to believe that I can handle scary things when I need to; that in the end they'll be beneficial to me and my life. Six gorgeous humans-as-horses have inspired me to not be scared.

I started that night. I walked straight up to the director of the show and introduced myself. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years (long story as to how that happened) but I've always been too shy to meet him in person. But we finally met last night. It felt good to overcome a fear, even if it was just a small one.

I don't want to be scared anymore. So I won't.

P.S. I might go see Equus again this weekend. If you get a chance and live in the Phoenix area, SEE IT. Even if you only go for the naked people. :) It's a great show. Visit http://www.nearlynakedtheatre.org for more information about the show and this great little theater company.

Truckin'

Not too much to report, I guess. I'm two weeks into the semester. It's been going okay, just SO. EXHAUSTING. I think it'll (hopefully) get better once the weather changes. Schlepping around campus in 110 degree weather is difficult to say the least! I can't waaaait for fall.

Almost everything that's happening this semester scares the shit out of me. For one thing, I'm starting to piece together my senior project. And there are about a million things to keep track of...casting, costumes, lighting design, music (choosing songs/audio samples, editing, getting copyright permissions), rehearsals, choreography, AHH. I'm freaking out. But I have to remember that there are a lot of people around me who can help. My fabulous professor who teaches our class, our new badass technical director who is--no joke--a female body builder and gives amazing perspective and gets shit done, our production manager, and so on and so forth. I just have to suck it up and ask for help when I need it. My first rehearsal with my dancers (a cast which has yet to be solidified) is next Saturday. AHH.

In other scary news, we're required to spend nine sessions with a community dance initiative for my Creative Practices class. I'm participating in a project with South Mountain High School. This scares me because for some reason, community dance practice really makes me uncomfortable. No idea why. I guess it's because I don't have a ton of experience with it and am therefore totally out of my element. I had my first session with the project today, and it went alright. Scary as fuck, but I got through it.

The only way I'm able to deal with all this scariness is by remembering that I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE but to do these things. If I don't get my senior project together, I won't be able to graduate. If I don't do the nine community dance sessions, I fail the class. There's no other option but to just DO IT. And there's really no safety net and no turning back. So...yeah. Terrifying.

In non-school news, I'm an auntie again! My sister had her baby the other day. Little Patrick (Paddy for short) is adorable and I can't wait to meet him. Yay!

And that's about it. Time to enjoy the bejesus out of my three day weekend after an incredibly long week! I leave you with a Red Scare inspiration board....remember to duck and cover!

Jitters

It just hit me tonight that school is starting in a couple of days. I'm kind of freaking out. I really can't stomach fucking up another semester. I desperately need it to go well. Or, if it truly feels that I'm not meant to be in school anymore, I at least want to make it through the semester. I don't want to randomly disappear in the middle. I'm sick of that.

I think the main thing I'm scared of is keeping up with self-care. On Monday/Wednesday/Friday, my schedule basically has me in class from 9:45 AM to 5 PM. Echh. Granted, I have hour or so breaks inbetween each class, but still. On days like that, I need to be sure to eat breakfast and have lunch and snacks and enough water packed to get me through the day and keep my energy up. I'm scared that I'll fall behind on taking care of myself, and then it'll just snowball until I'm a complete mess all over again. As I said before, I really can't stomach that happening. Fortunately, My Tuesday/Thursdays are much less daunting, as I only have two classes and am out by 2:45. Hopefully I'll be able to recharge on those days.

Aghhh. I'm still nervous, though. :/

Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? I don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

Blurred Blue

I remember when I was a little girl, I was toddling around the pool. I had a toy broom with me, and was dipping it in the water and drawing designs on the deck as if the broom were a paintbrush. All of a sudden, I fell in. I couldn't swim at the time, so I sank. I have a kinesthetic memory of looking up and seeing the blue water and the backyard blurred by the surface. One of my sisters dove in and pulled me out. I was lucky. I grew up in a big house with lots of people swirling around all the time.

The other night I was sitting in my room by myself. All the brouhaha about the supposed Rapture on May 21st may have been silly, but you have to admit it got you thinking. What would we do if the world ended? Or in a massive disaster? If the world ended right now, I'd be all alone. I would sink, seeing the world above blurred by chaos and destruction. But I would keep sinking; there would be no one to pull me out. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a solitary creature, yes...I don't mind being by myself most of the time. But if the world ended right now, I don't want to be alone. I'd want someone with me to be scared with, to die with.

Crossroads

I still have writing from the airport and airplane that I intend on sharing soon. But right now, I need to let you know some things. First of all, I am so sorry if this scares you. Or if I've scared you. I have been in the position where I've feared for a friend's life, and it's awful. It's not my intention to put that on any of you. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, and I'm so sorry that I can't snap out of this for you all. After writing down some very scary memories and thoughts tonight (which I'm not sure if I want to post yet), and thinking about some other things that I can't get out of my head, I started crying and shaking. Uncontrollably. So much so that I ended up vomiting.

I've decided not to go to class tomorrow--well, today. I am going to take care of some things, drive Derek to the airport, talk to my therapist and parents. I think that I may have to be hospitalized. And soon. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of months, and tonight I feel I've reached a point where I could potentially be a danger to myself if drastic steps are not taken. Please know that nothing will happen to me tonight. I'm sure of it. But I know that I can't make it through another night like this. So I intend on getting more help.

Again, I'm so sorry for everything.

Things

GOOD:

• Spent a couple hours with my family in Tucson yesterday to celebrate my Adoption Day (which is actually the 15th, but I'll be out of town). Played Scrabble and my Mom sent me back with a pumpkin pie. Om nom nom. She also got me a Disney Princess greeting card that plays "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." 'Cause I'm five years old, for real.
• Went shopping at Old Navy today because I desperately needed some new jeans. Turns out they were still having massive clearance sales, and I ended up getting a quite few pairs of jeans at deliciously low prices. Including a pair of skinny jeans! And they all look really good on me, which rarely happens. Scorrrre.
• My Dad called earlier to ask me to send him some ASU tuition statements for tax stuff. The conversation wasn't all strained and awkward and felt a little more natural. I hope things will continue to get a little better between us.
• My doctors appointment the other day went pretty well. He took a billion vials of blood to run a bunch of different tests on and ordered a sleep study, which I'll probably do in the next few weeks. Anxiously awaiting results.
• Derek is coming to visit AZ tomorrow! I haven't seen him in at least a year so I'm excited to catch up.

CRAPPY:

• I'm exhausted and scary depressed ALL. THE. TIME. I was so tired the other night that I barely remember being at Marissa's epic Harry Potter birthday party. The one thing I do remember is being so tired that I had trouble talking to people because I couldn't think of the right words to use. Later in the evening, I went into my room to check something on my laptop, dozed off, and drifted awake at like 6 AM. My life.
• My hair is ridiculous. Every time I've washed it since getting it cut, it just turns out greasy and disgusting. I try to only use a tiny bit of shampoo/conditioner, but still can't wash all of it out. Or something. It's driving me insane. I'm also pulling large clumps out of it. Awesome.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL:

• Going to New York on Thursday to visit Steve. I feel like I really need to see him to get some closure, so I can figure out how to be friends. But I guess I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. I really just have no idea how to do this.
• School starts next week, and I don't know if I can actually handle it. I'm scared. And don't feel at all rested or refreshed from Winter Break, just more exhausted.

Sweet Girl

Finally saw this last night. SO good, SO creepy. And not your grandmammy's dance movie, that's for sure. Beautiful dancing and nasty risk-taking.

Going to the doctor this morning, hoping to be more vigilant about whatever is causing me to sleep so much (and never feel fully awake when I'm not sleeping). If my doctor rules out sleep disorders and autoimmune diseases like lupus, I know what my next step is.

Am I Awake?

I've been asleep so much over the past week or so (at least?) that I've actually lost track of how much I slept. Everything is just a blur. And I'm having trouble remembering which things happened and which things were dreams. It's really freaking me out.

Painting and Writing

I had my second Alternative Painting Processes class tonight. I had to miss last week's lesson because of Sweet Charity (I hate Thursday shows!) so I'm a bit behind. But still having fun, even if I'm a very awkward painter. I can't get the hang of using a palette knife and am struggling with mixing colors. I seriously spent SEVERAL hours tonight during and after class back at home just trying to mix the shades of gray I needed. Who knew that gray would be so hard to make?! I got the hang of lighter grays, but am currently stuck on dark gray. My dark gray attempts keep turning out too green. Aghh. 

Anyway. Our teacher, Ryan, does some cuh-razy shit with acrylic paint! A running theme throughout his work is making silicone casts, filling them with acrylic paint, and incorporating the result into his paintings. It's like he literally makes 3D objects out of PAINT. I never would've thought that was possible. See an example HERE. All those little sheep are made out of acrylic paint using silicone casts. And he doesn't only use little plastic toys, either. He's made big boxes out of paint, full body casts, hands...INSANITY! So tonight he started teaching us how to make silicone casts so we can eventually do it ourselves. And that's only one of the awesome things we're learning...the other stuff is hard to explain in words. But SO. COOL.

One of my favorite authors, Natalie Goldberg, wrote this book about writing that I'm obsessed with called Writing Down the Bones. My sister lent it to me when I was really young and I loved it so much that I never gave it back...What a little shit I am. But anyway, Natalie Golberg has written dozens of books about writing since then, and I recently bought one called An Old Friend from Far Away, which is a book about writing memoirs. I've always loved reading and writing personal narratives and memoirs. So I started digging into the book over the past few weeks.

Oddly enough, I've been really scared to actually start writing. She gives all these great exercises and prompts, but every time I grab a pen I freeze up. I absolutely LOVE to write and I write very well, but getting started is always the challenge. I think it's because I'm a good writer and therefore I feel like I should always produce good writing (it's the same with choreography, oy veh). Last night I went to Target and bought a cheap 70-sheet notebook and then just stared at it when I got home. Too scared to move forward. But tonight I started writing. I intended to start small and write for 10 uninterrupted minutes, but ended up going for 40. I've been reading in her books about how if you just get started, everything will come out of you. But lately I just haven't trusted that sentiment. It is SO TRUE, though. Particularly when you are writing about memories or personal experiences. One memory triggers another and another and all of a sudden 40 minutes have passed. It's incredible how it all just pours out. And of course that scares me, too. Because remembering things can be so emotional and bring back feelings that we may or may not want to feel. But I'm hoping to overcome that, because I have so much that I want to write and have been holding back for a long time. I've been scared of my thoughts and memories. But now I don't want to stop. I'm hoping to fill the notebook by the end of the month.

READ NATALIE GOLDBERG. Her books can actually be applied to a myriad of other things besides writing. I love her.

If My Friends Could See Me Now...

I am terrified of myself. I'm not really sure what I've devolved into, but I'm terrified of it. I feel all foggy and blocked up and confused, and scared because I can't break out of it. There is something that is keeping me asleep and behind closed doors all day, avoiding sunlight and people and anything else that I can possibly avoid. I don't think I've ever been this scared of myself. There was this person I used to be, the person dancing in that video, who was excited and passionate and on the verge of huge things. I'm not that person anymore. Or at least, that person is trapped under something heavy and can't move or fight. I used to feel everything and now I feel nothing. Except sadness and fear over the fact that I feel nothing. And that's all. That's who I am now. And I have absolutely no idea how to break out of this and fix myself. I thought I did, but it turns out that everything is so much more difficult than I ever could've imagined. Practically impossible. I don't know what to do.