Always the Years Between Us

 

"You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."
--Virginia Woolf, The Hours

It was Virginia Woolf's deathday on the 28th, so I've had her on the brain. I love Nicole Kidman's portrayal of her in The Hours.

"You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will, I know."
--Virginia Woolf's suicide letter to her husband Leonard

The theme to The Hours, by Philip Glass, was the music for my audition solo during the great Dance BFA search. Todd choreographed it. I feel like I was such a different person then. I've listened to the song a few times this week, but haven't been able to get through it without crying and feeling kinesthetic memories of the movement. I remember Todd had me do some writing about the solo at the time, here's a bit of it:

Todd told me that the piece is all about transitions. And obviously, seeing as I'm going through quite a transition of sorts right now, I relate a lot to that theme. But furthermore, this piece to me is not only about the transition, but also about all the fear, nerves, apprehension and doubt that inevitably comes with taking a big step. I start the piece out in a wide stance with my wrists resting on top of my ribcage and I do these really small, sharp ticking movements that get bigger and bigger until I shoot forward....This pretty much sums me up, both as a person and as a dancer. I feel completely paralyzed by fear most of the time, and I often have to literally push myself into doing things that scare the bejesus out of me. And even though I'm pushing myself, I still take very small steps before jumping in completely.

I also relate a lot to the song within it's original context. It's the main theme from the movie The Hours. The plot revolves around three women in three different time periods who are all seemingly stuck in places that they don't want to be in. But at the same time, they can't really change anything about their lives without sending their entire world (as well as the lives of their friends and family) into upheaval. Despite this, each woman ends up making that pivotal change. It may have been the completely wrong change to make, or in Clarissa's case, the change came without her consent. But regardless of the circumstances, all three women go through a significant and profound transition over the course of the film.

Early Morning Updates

• I had the chance to talk with Claudia La Rocco just before her ASU residency ended. We met up on campus for a bit and I got to pick her brain. I think it went pretty well...she told me a lot about the goings-on of a journalist, and gave me some great advice, insight and ideas. I was really nervous, though, and feel like I came off as an awkward bumbling idiot. It's like I spend so much time alone that I forget how to talk to people. Or something. But I suppose feeling awkward but still getting good perspective is better than not contacting her at all.
  
• I participated in a fabulous Flash Mob recently, and it was a blast. It was so nice to see lovely people like Kathryn and Cat who I rarely get to meet up with. (That should change, because they're awesome.) It was also great to be there for everyone, even if I didn't personally know the woman who the flash mob was commemorating.
  
• I never really followed up on the hospitalization situation, mostly because it was a disaster. And a disaster that absolutely could have been prevented. Basically, without going into details since it's a private family thing, being hospitalized didn't happen. It should have, but didn't. And I wish I could go back in time and just NOT consider it as an option. It was hard enough to make that decision, and even harder to actually prepare for and to tell people it was going to happen. I told my teachers, withdrew from classes, stocked up on cat food and litter for Ragnar and was about to ask my roommate if he could take care of him while I was gone, and started packing. None of which was easy or pleasant, especially running on so little energy and an inescapable feeling of wanting to die. For things to play out the way that they did after all that, I'm just humiliated. Now, I'm back to struggling to make and get to doctors appointments, being put on different meds and blah blah blah. Same shit, different day. As mentioned in an earlier post, one of the medications I'm on is more or less an upper to keep me awake. And it has kept me awake, but hasn't changed my mood. So I still feel like shit, only now I can't sleep through it.
  
• I'm doing a blogger meetup thing today. I'm really nervous about it because I hate meeting new people, and the thought of having to socialize/make conversation for an entire day makes me anxious as all hell. I don't really know why I'm doing it. I guess to talk about blogging? See what various AZ bloggers are like in person? I don't know. We're doing a lot of poking around downtown Phoenix, though, and I've been wanting to familiarize myself with that area more. So that's good? I meant to get plenty of sleep tonight since I'm nervous about the meetup and need time to get ready for it in the morning, buuuut despite being tired, I've been too nervous to allow myself to sleep. Agh. We'll see how it goes.

I'm Not Calling You a Ghost, Just Stop Haunting Me

"There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep;
Wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks.
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs
to fall, to fall, to fall at your feet."
--Florence + the Machine

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Everything At Once

I first heard Lenka two years ago when "The Show" was available for free on iTunes. I had just started at ASU, and it was a freaky coincidence that the lyrics completely paralleled how I was feeling about everything right at that moment. I've adored her ever since. I currently love this song:



Whyyyy is this only a clip? I want the whole video. GESTURAL CHOREOGRAPHY.

ABCs. Just because.

Stole this from The Fitnessista. I enjoy doing and reading these silly surveys, and haven't done one in forever.

A. Age: 23

B. Bed size: Queen. I have no idea how I slept in a twin bed for so long...never again.

C. Chore you dislike: ALL OF THEM. I suck at cleaning, so therefore I hate ALL chores. But if I had to pick just one, it would definitely be mopping floors. Don't even get me started on that shit.

D. Dogs: None. But I do have a kitty, of course. And two other kitties in the house that aren't technically "mine" but I love them anyway.

E. Essential start to your day: Internet things...I'm an addict. Technology has trumped personal hygiene in my morning routine priorities.

F. Favorite color: Black, pink, turquoise and dark purple.

G. Gold or silver: Definitely silver.

H. Height: 5’4. Otherwise known as: Too short to be a Rockette. But even if I was at least 5'5 1/2, I'm still not leggy. Damn those skinny bitches.

I. Instruments you play(ed): I took drum lessons one summer and loved it, and wish I'd had the time to stick with it. I've always wanted to play the piano, but never learned how.

J. Job title: Still officially a "Student" on paper. But if I wasn't in school, I'd label myself as a "Freelance Choreographer, Dancer and Writer."

K. Kids: None. And I'm undecided about having kids in the future. I like the idea, but it still scares the bejesus out of me. And I doubt I'll ever be selfless enough.

L. Live: In Mesa, Az. But I think if school doesn't work out, I need to get out of here. Either move to central Phoenix or just get out of Arizona altogether. New York City would be the obvious first option, but I'm considering other big cities here and abroad. And I daydream constantly about moving to Tel Aviv. There is SO MUCH GOOD DANCE THERE.

M. Mom’s name: Joyce

N. Nicknames: Katy is technically a nickname since my full name is Kathryn. Derek calls me Bombs, which cracks me up.

O. Overnight hospital stays: I've never had any. Unless you count the sleep clinic.

P. Pet peeves: Oh sweet Jesus, SO MANY. People in general just drive me insane. But I suppose bad spelling tops the list, especially on published official websites/fliers/print media...it makes me cringe. GET A PROOFREADER, PEOPLE. I'll be your proofreader free of charge if need be. Just STOP the published spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes.

Q. Quote from a movie:

Always.

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. I wish I was ambidextrous. That'd be pretty badass.

S. Siblings: I have 8 of them. Mary Beth, Albert, Tony, John, Mariah, Christine, Margie and Jim. And my sister-in-law Violette as well.

T. Time you wake up: It changes daily...I'm not in school this semester and haven't heard back on job applications yet, so my sleep schedule is ridiculous. Yesterday I stayed awake all day on no sleep in an attempt to stabilize things; ended up going to bed at 9 and waking up this morning at 5 AM. But that RARELY happens.

U. Underwear: I have WAY too many pairs. Blame Target, with their adorable selection and frequent sales.

V. Vegetables you don't like: I'm really not fond of eating plain beets. But I love them in borscht. I would bathe in borscht. (Not really. But it is delicious.)

W. What makes you run late: Anything. I took my damn time coming out of the womb, and since then I've been perpetually late to everything. But I guess the main things that make me late would be sleeping through my alarm and underestimating the time it takes to do things/drive places.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Not many. I think I had one when I sprained my ankle at age 6. Then in the last year, I've been having frequent inexplicable wrist pain and had an X-ray done. But they didn't find anything. Fail, fail, fail.

Y. Yummy food you make: I. Hate. Cooking. I do NOT have any patience for it. The only thing I can make well without assistance are Ghirardelli brownies from a boxed mix, instant Mac&Cheese, and Ramen. Culinary brilliance.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Ohmagod, ZEBRAS! They're so pretty.

Inspiration Boards: Pink Hair #2

BAM.

 More pretty pink goodness. 

I still desperately want pink hair. I'm temporarily at a stalemate, though, because I can't really afford to get it done at my usual salon right now. Nor do I trust the ability to do it myself...I have very limited beauty skills. So I'll just stick with inspiration board-ing. For now, anyway.

Now let's just take a moment and raise a glass to Gwen Stefani, who definitely perpetuated my pink hair obsession when I was in middle school. She rocks. And I loveloveLOVE this song and video. So much. (I found the following lovely photo montage HERE. I actually remembered a source for once!)

Sighhhh. So pretty.

---

Note on Sources: As mentioned in my last inspiration board post, I rarely keep track of where I find each of these lovely images. I do know that they usually come from Google searches or various Tumblrs including Fuck Yeah Pink and Sex Hair. I know I got that the photo directly below Gwen Stefani came from a post on A Day In My Life from a lonnnng time ago, but I don't have the exact URL. Feel free to contact me if any of these images are yours, and I will credit you or take it down.

Love of my LIFE

I was introduced to Bill T. Jones and his work when I was 15, and have been hooked ever since. As someone who loves to create solos, his solo work blows me away every time. And the pieces he creates for his company are just as visceral and captivating. His choreography for Spring Awakening completely changed the way I approached creating dances for musicals. He's fiercely elegant, well-spoken, and hypnotizing.

Oh, and he's in residency with ASU Gammage for the next three years. So...YEAH. Freaking out a little. He'll also be doing a lot of lectures and whatnot with the School of Dance while he's here.

He gave a lecture/demonstration with his company on Tuesday that I planned on going to. Except I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed, even for BILLTFUCKINGJONES. I also missed a lecture by Claudia La Rocco that I've been looking forward to; she's a NY Times writer currently in residency with the School of Dance. Seriously, I can't stand myself anymore. BUT I'm very happy that I was able to make it to his lecture today, where he talked about the process of putting together Fondly Do We Hope...Fervently Do We Pray, which will be at Gammage this Saturday. (Got my tickets today, cha-ching!) Also, I'm hoping to talk in person with Claudia La Rocco before she leaves; I had one of my teachers introduce us and she gave me her email address. Somebody please smack the shyness out of me so I can hurry up and arrange a coffee date before her residency ends....

Anyway. It was overwhelming to sit fifteen feet away from one of my idols and listen to him speak. I really can't describe exactly how I'm feeling yet. I do know how frustrated I am, though. Just with myself. I hate that I'm not in classes right now, missing out on the opportunities to work directly with these artists in addition to getting to watch them give lectures. I hate that I couldn't get out of bed on Tuesday. I'm just really sick of this. I wish Bill T. Jones and Claudia La Rocco could have been here during my first semester, before my life fell apart. :/ Meh.