Shrugging of the Shoulders

I did end up cancelling my PT audition. I kind of feel like a loser for doing so, but at the same time I'm okay with it. Meh. I spent the day sleeping, eating ice cream, doing crafty things, and watching Twin Peaks. Audrey Horne is my hero and one can never get enough Dale Cooper.

I think I might still audition for Little Shop at Hale later this month, since, oh yeah, I didn't get cast in Hairspray. Kind of made me a little sad since I would've loved to be in it and killed the dance audition (and in HEELS, damn it!), but I totally understand. I really think my fate with that show is to choreograph it rather than be in it. I look too much like a Tracy to be in the ensemble, and I'm not good enough to actually play Tracy. So I've decided to focus on the choreography side. Mesa Encore Theatre is doing it next summer, so I'm going to contact them now. Maybe I'll choreograph their West Side Story while I'm at it (if they get the rights, that is).

Still desperate for a job. I just applied to Barnes and Noble but haven't heard back yet. Dahh. My next applications will be for Changing Hands and the Apple store. And McDonald's. Because at this point, I'm so not above working at McDonald's. I just want and need a damn job.

It's nice to feel somewhat motivated to do stuff. I've spent many hours thinking that I won't last through this year so why bother making long-term goals. But I suppose the five thousand medications I'm jacked up on are starting to work because I'm not thinking that as often. Shrug.

The Night Before

My Phoenix Theatre audition appointment is tomorrow at 2. My resumes and headshots are printed and stapled, audition forms filled out, audition songs and monologue all practiced. But I'm actually thinking of cancelling. For some reason, my heart isn't in it. And I don't feel 100% ready, particularly with my monologue. I was originally going to do this great piece from Talk Radio, but it ended up being WAY too long. So the other day I switched over to Ilse's monologue from the Franz Wedekind Spring's Awakening (in the musical version, it's where she's talking to Moritz about her crazy life). I have it memorized and everything, but I'm worried about the last minute switch and don't feel ready to perform it. Plus, I really need to focus on school this fall and getting performance credit (meaning I need to actually audition for pieces and be more involved on campus instead of only doing theater). It's really difficult to do school full-time and rehearse a show at the same time.

Gahhhh I don't know.

I just don't feel ready and don't feel that into it. I'm only interested in doing Gypsy next season, anyway, and auditioning for one show doesn't really feel worth the stress and nerves. My printer has been on the fritz all week, too, and printing everything out was like pulling teeth. Maybe that's a sign. Bleh. I don't know. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Curl Up in a Ball, Part Two

It's been...quite a couple of days. Does that even make sense? Whatever. That's the only way to describe it. Just...quite a couple of days.

I can't process things, I can't deal with things, I can't move on, I can't believe the things that people say to me. And I can't take it anymore. What's wrong with me??? I'm so sick of myself. I'm sick of being in this body and this mind that won't let me just BE OK. I just keep burying everything. I literally don't know how to NOT bury everything.

It's been quite a couple of days. My heart hurts.

Okay, then.

Wellllll I went ahead and botched my audition today. Nerves, completely blanking, my mind somewhere else. I've never been so humiliated at an audition. But I got through it and learned from it. I guess. It's not like I really had a chance of getting cast in anything there to begin with, but still...making a complete idiot of yourself is NOT fun.

More details later. Maybe. I kind of just want to curl up in a ball.

Annnnd good night.

P.S. Finding out last night that my ex-boyfriend is in town for the weekend didn't really do wonders for my concentration. But that's a whole other story. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I was going to go curl up in a ball.

Go, Girl, Seek Happy Nights to Happy Days.

I'm so grateful to have grown up with Shakespeare. I've been reading, performing and seeing Shakespeare plays since I was a little girl, and have loved his work for as long as I can remember. Even when I have no idea what a line means, it's so beautiful that I don't even care that I don't understand it. They're words that you go swimming in, wrap around you like a warm blanket, drink down ravenously while simultaneously savoring each drop. Frank McCourt wrote the most perfect simile in Angela's Ashes, saying that "[he] loved the Shakespeare," and that reading it aloud was like having jewels in his mouth. I completely agree. I remember when we read it out loud in my freshman english class in high school, and I got to read the balcony scene with one of my friends for the whole class. So much fun! Definitely one of my favorite high school memories.

There is something so timeless and versatile about his work. You can keep putting on productions year after year and it never gets old, because there is so much you can do with it. I loved the Shakespeare shows at the U of A--the dystopian industrial Victorian Romeo & Juliet, the stripped down Titus Andronicus with RIVERS of blood and stage directions projected on a screen. Infinite possibilities!

I would so love to be a part of a Shakespeare play again. Even just preparing for Southwest Shakespeare auditions has been great. I doubt I'll get cast in anything, but at least the preparation process felt wonderful. They have a great season coming up, too, and I can't wait to see them all. Also, I'm taking a Shakespeare english class this fall. I'm nervous and excited! Those classes are tough, but I love it. HOLY HELL I JUST LOVE SHAKESPEARE! I can understand how people are intimidated by it, but I honestly don't understand how people have such hate and disdain for it. Impossible!

"Away from light steals home my heavy son
And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out,
and makes himself an artificial night."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act I, Scene 1)

Audition Frenzy

So. Tired.

May is chock full of auditions. I started tonight by auditioning for Hairspray at Desert Stages. It went...alright. I did really well with the dance portion, and did it in my three-inch LaDuca's, too! Bam! Dancing well actually surprised me, because I haven't done much dancing recently. It was a nice feeling. However, I went on to mess up my song, and I had a feeling that would happen. I was trying out "Show Off" from The Drowsy Chaperone as a test-run for Phoenix Theatre auditions, and sang a section with an odd key change against my better judgment. I did fine with it while I practiced on my own, but botched it tonight. BUT, I just started that bit over and finished well. I'm wondering if I should use a different section (even though the section I originally wanted to use has kind of a complex piano bit that I'm wary about giving to an accompanist to sight-read) or just use a different song. Hm. Live and learn. But I'm glad I messed up in a familiar environment like DST instead of at Phoenix Theatre generals. I'll find out about casting in the next couple weeks (hopefully).

In the meantime, I'm doing Southwest Shakespeare Company auditions this Friday, Phoenix Theatre auditions on the 14th, possibly doing Arizona Theatre Company auditions on the 17th, and if I don't get cast in Hairspray, I'll audition for Little Shop of Horrors at Hale on the 31st. I really miss performing, so I hope I get cast in SOMETHING. I'm really excited about the monologues I'm doing for once, all of them from shows I love. I'm using Linda's monologue from Talk Radio for Phoenix Theatre, and Juliet's sweet little monologue from Romeo & Juliet Act III Scene 2 for Southwest Shakespeare. On the off-chance that the Shakespeare guys request to see a second monologue (we have to prepare two, but the second one is only by request), I'm using the Tamora-as-Revenge one from Titus Andronicus. Yay! Now I just have to finish memorizing and working on the damn things.

I'm exhausted. Auditions tonight were lonnnng and draining. Time to crash.

 

"And when I shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars,
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act III, Scene 2)