Currently...

WATCHING:
Sooooo muuuuch Parks and Recreation. I don't know how I ever survived without Ron Swanson. Also watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and am totally in love with Data. And I really wish someone would just punch Wesley Crusher in his stupid face and then throw him off the Enterprise forever. Because I hate him.
I have a lot of feelings, okay?
Also just got done rewatching the Sex and the City movie for the first time in awhile. Yes, I realize how problematic that show/movie is in terms of it being drenched in stereotypes and white privilege. But I can't help loving it anyway, so deal with it. And in case you were wondering, I'm a Charlotte.

LISTENING TO:
I have "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat, and desperately want to sing it at karaoke now that I know I can hit all the high notes!
Also listening to a shit ton of Broadway showtunes, namely Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Mesa Encore Theatre will be holding auditions for that show soon and I would love to play Jolene) and Cabaret (aka my favorite musical ever, EVER, EVER).

PLANNING:
What the rest of my year will look like.
I found out last night, just after posting my list of various goals, that the cute indie coffee shop right across the street from my apartment is HIRING! Pretty fantastic timing, I must say, considering I had only just made the concrete decision to get a new job that day. I do hope it pans out. Even if it doesn't, I'm still not returning to my job this fall. I can always use the unemployed time to focus solely on school and learning how to become a functional human being, then go back to job-hunting after I graduate.
Also toying with some new interior design ideas for my room. I'd like to add a desk, reorganize my closets, get a beanbag chair (just because), and daydream about having enough room for an antique art deco vanity (even though I don't, unless I can move my smaller dresser into the closet...hmmm).

THINKING ABOUT:
School. I keep looking at my transcript thingie over and over again, because I basically can't believe I'm like four or five classes away from graduating. I need to work out some scheduling issues with my advisor, but then I should be all set for fall. I love you, ASU School of Dance, but I need to be done. Like right now.
Oh yeah, and I turn 26 next week?? Blahhhhhh.

READING:
I just finished up Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. SO good, SO creepy! I need her to release another fucked-up dark mystery novel ASAP!!
Now I'm in the dreaded between-books stage. I did just buy Dan Brown's new book on my iPad, so maybe I'll dive into that. I know his books are like literary junk food, but I am a shameless junk food enthusiast so I don't really care.

MAKING ME HAPPY:

• Performing. Not just being onstage, but the whole ritual of it. Picking up my green tea lemonade from Starbucks before heading to the theater, goofing around with my silly castmates, putting on my makeup and costume. Then taking it all off afterwards and heading home, ready to do it again the next night. I don't know...it's hard to explain. But I love it.
• PASSING MATH and being DONE with those classes forever and ever!
• Singing in my car all the time, and discovering I have a higher belt range than I previously thought.
• My pretty new dresser.
• Having stuff to look forward to in the (near) future as opposed to just bleak nothingness. I still don't know what my ultimate career path will be, but at least I have some things to keep me occupied until I figure it out.
• Poached eggs covered in Cholula on top of carnitas, potatoes, and cheese from Crackers & Company. Om nom nom.
• My supercute nieces and nephews.
• Eating ALL THE EEGEE'S! (It's a glorious local restaurant chain in Tucson.)
• This short piece on why Gillian Flynn writes about violent women: http://gillian-flynn.com/for-readers/
• Jenna Marbles. She makes me wish I was funny enough to do clever, pithy, silly vlogs. I particularly enjoy this video, 'cause it's totally true: 

To Do List

• Take acting classes and private voice lessons. I really love performing, and would like to do more of it. Particularly with contracted theaters like Phoenix Theatre or Arizona Broadway Theatre. So I need to practice more and learn more, because natural talent only takes one so far.
• Possibly start learning how to play the piano. Or maybe take up the drums again. Or both. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano, and briefly took drum lessons when I was 13 and have always wanted to start again. So why not.
• Wear makeup more. Not because I feel like I “need" to in order to look pretty, but simply because it’s just fun to play with.
• Get a new job. Even though it probably won't be until after I graduate, since this upcoming semester is crazy. The logical thing would be to apply at a corporate Starbucks since I already have barista experience at a licensed location, but I’m also looking at applying at a fun bar/restaurant place near my house.
• Experiment with fashion again. I used to dress really fun and silly and funky in high school. And while I can no longer get away with wearing the kinds of things I used to then (like toothbrushes in my hair or neon fishnets….well, maybe I can still pull off the fishnets :D), I feel like I’ve lost my cute personal style over the years and I’d like to develop one again.
• Make time for artsy crafty stuff again.
• See my family in person more often instead of living vicariously through adorable Facebook photos of my nieces and nephews. Also, visit my best buddies who are scattered across the country.
• GRADUATE. I’M SO CLOSE.

Only Darkness

I had a dream last night where I was trying to get to ASU Gammage, the well-known theatrical venue in Tempe. I can't remember if I was seeing a show there, or working on a show. But either way, I had to get there and was running late as usual.

I was driving at night, and turned onto a road where I was immediately blinded by thick darkness. I could barely make out Gammage in the distance. I tried turning my brights on, but the darkness just absorbed every ounce of light. I had no choice but to drive blind.

I feel like this is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. If you label Gammage as my career goals in the arts and the drive as my journey to them, it all makes perfect sense. I thought I had a well-lit path, but I no longer do. It's only thick, frightening darkness with a barely discernible end in sight, far away in the distance. And right now, I am failing miserably at navigating my way through and have no idea what to do.

Yes I Am!

Even though I know that people not liking me is simply an inevitable part of life, I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that someone out there hates every part of my existence. And for such a fucking stupid reason that could've easily been resolved had it not been so wildly blown out of proportion.

I can't help thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. There's this episode of Scrubs where JD has a girl on his mind, and Turk calls him out on it. JD denies that he's thinking of her, but then we go into his daydream and he's imagining her jumping on his back saying, "YES I AM!" (I wish I could find a clip of it on YouTube, buuut I couldn't. Sighh.) But anyway...That's how it feels. I deny that he's on my mind, and then it's like he's jumping on my back screaming, "YES I AM!"

He's always....there. Jumping on my back, walking past me on campus, sitting near me. I wish he would stop haunting me.

Maybe if he didn't hate me so much this all would be easier.

Moving On

I don't hate you.

 Maybe this further solidifies my status as a weak person. Maybe I SHOULD hate you. But no matter how hard I try, I just don't. You've made me angry and sad and heartbroken, yes. But when I think of you I don't feel the burning hatred that you seem to feel for me. I only feel gratitude for the good times, and both sadness and relief that it's over.

You should feel ashamed for feeling this way.
You should feel ashamed that instead of fighting for me and working through the problems, you chose to cut me off and bolt when things got difficult.

But despite it all, I still don't hate you and never will.

So enough now. I'm done. I'm moving on and letting you go, and it's time for you to do the same.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.

Closure

I had written a letter to him earlier this week. Today I edited it and handwrote it out; it covered six pages. Everything that went unsaid. A final goodbye.

Tonight I delivered it to him.

Then I drove to our usual hang out by myself, had a glass of cabernet sauvignon, and said goodbye to him in my heart.

Our friendship is over.
I know it's best for us in the long run, but right now my heart is broken.

I'll love you forever.
Goodbye.

Equus and Paralyzing Fear

I went to see the play Equus last night, put on by Nearly Naked Theatre in Phoenix.

(For those of you who don't remember, Equus is the play that Daniel Radcliffe performed in a few years back and everyone flipped out because his role required full-frontal nudity. And holy hell, full-frontal nudity there is! Both male and female.)

The show was phenomenal. It was long, but fascinating and deliciously cerebral. The story is a strange one, about a boy who randomly blinds six horses with a metal spike and the psychiatrist who takes on his case. But it delves into so many topics with abandon; religion, sexuality, psychology, family, emotional development...I was rapt.

Even though I haven't been active in some time, I still keep a close eye on the goings-on in the local theater scene here in Phoenix. Awhile back, I saw an audition notice for Equus. They had already cast the main roles, but were looking for actors/dancers to play the six horses. I immediately got the shivers. I wanted to do it so badly. I had every reason to: I'm a dancer, so the movement wouldn't be difficult for me. My favorite step in ballet is the pas de cheval, which translates to "step of the horse." I've even played a horse before in a musical called Man of La Mancha a few years back (and fucking rocked if I do say so myself). And yet, something kept me from sending in my headshot and resume. I had some concrete personal reasons...I don't have loads of time/energy to spare so rehearsing and performing may have been difficult on top of school/work, I was shy about wearing the sexy costumes (click on the link at the end of the entry, then ENTER to see what the male horses wore), and even more shy about the scars that cover my legs which would undoubtedly be on display if I was cast.

I realized last night that all those reasons were stupid.

The horses entered and moved gracefully and beautifully across the stage, wearing their gorgeous headpieces which transformed them into the illusion of horses, and I was immediately filled with so much regret. I could have pulled off the female costumes, and the scars would've been camouflaged by fishnet thigh-high stockings. I was only half-surprised when I felt myself starting to cry. I had missed out on an absolutely INCREDIBLE opportunity for reasons I thought were valid, but were really just paralyzing fear. I was scared of being vulnerable onstage again, scared of balancing school/work and rehearsals/performances, scared of meeting new people and experiencing new things. I was just fucking scared. Of everything.

I've always been scared. I'm a scared person with a lot of fears; some rational, some irrational. There was a period in my life where I was able to push through that fear and do scary things. I made myself do scary things, and often. But now I'm right back where I started from. Looking at the audition notice for a role I'm perfect for, and turning away to hide under the covers; acting like it's no big deal that I'm chickening out. It IS a big deal. This paralyzing fear is taking over my whole life and I can't stand it anymore.

So I'm done. I want to do scary things again. I don't want to miss out on opportunities like Equus anymore. I want to believe that I can handle scary things when I need to; that in the end they'll be beneficial to me and my life. Six gorgeous humans-as-horses have inspired me to not be scared.

I started that night. I walked straight up to the director of the show and introduced myself. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years (long story as to how that happened) but I've always been too shy to meet him in person. But we finally met last night. It felt good to overcome a fear, even if it was just a small one.

I don't want to be scared anymore. So I won't.

P.S. I might go see Equus again this weekend. If you get a chance and live in the Phoenix area, SEE IT. Even if you only go for the naked people. :) It's a great show. Visit http://www.nearlynakedtheatre.org for more information about the show and this great little theater company.

Currently...

I have nothing to do at work and it's been about a month since I've done one of these. So here we go.

WATCHING: Lots and lots of The West Wing. I need to actually finish the series; I've only gotten through season three. I've also randomly been watching Bend It Like Beckham. It's a great feel-good movie. And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is so cute in it, even though in real life he's a belligerent asshole.

LISTENING TO: A lot of NPR, to be honest. I'm kind of sick of all my music at the moment. But I'm currently working on a solo about submission, and am trying to find a song to use for one of the sections...right now I'm thinking Yann Tiersen. So I've been listening to a lot of his work.

PLANNING: As I just mentioned, I'm planning out and choreographing a solo about submission. It starts out focusing on the sexual side, then delves deeper into how my submission runs so deep that I've let myself submit to self-destruction as well.

THINKING ABOUT: You. How much I miss my coworkers and regulars at the previous location I worked at (I was transferred to a new location recently). You. How much I fucking love my modern class and teacher (Ashleigh Leite) this semester and how scared I am that I'm going to fuck it all up again. You. How I'm kind of sick of my job and need a change. You. How much I love my iPad mini. You. How I don't know how to resolve this issue. You. How I may need to do intensive outpatient therapy and/or dialectical behavioral therapy. You. How much I need to talk to you. Oh, and you.

READING: I started reading The Virgin Suicides and was enjoying it, but then I started reading Gone Girl and got sucked into that. So the former book has temporarily been moved to the back burner.

MAKING ME HAPPY: My cat. Getting some kind of catharsis. Dancing my modern teacher's amazing choreography. And that's about it at the moment.

Auld Lang Syne

It's New Years Eve. I'm pretty happy that 2012 is ending...it started out pretty great, but then got progressively worse until everything was an absolute mess. So a fresh start (or at least the illusion of one) is coming at just the right time.

I feel like calling new goals "resolutions" kind of jinxes them, so instead I've just compiled a rough list of some things I'd like to do in 2013, in no particular order, and definitely subject to revision. I'm also not going to kick myself if I don't get any or all done. But it's nice to have a foundation to shape my year around.

SO. In 2013, I would like to...

1. Get Healthier. Maintain my PCOS diet as laid out my my nutritionist, keep up with my medications, safely manage self-destructive habits if I can't quit them altogether, and just generally take care of myself.
2. Start going on short walks. The weather is so nice this time of year, and I think heading to Tempe Town Lake occasionally for some casual strolls would be fun.
3. Make time for reading, writing, and art. I've been doing that more recently, so this is just something I'd like to continue doing.
4. Take up fun physical activities again like yoga, swimming, and skating. And maybe even try something new like CrossFit, even though it's expensive as all hell.
5. Choreograph something. I've had a lot of ideas for solos floating around in my head.
6. Keep my apartment as clean as I can manage. Keep up on laundry and general cleaning so I don't end up with piles of stuff everywhere.
7. Do better in school. I'm tantalizingly close to being done, y'know. Hopefully the fact that I'm taking some fun classes (except for math) will give me extra motivation.
8. GRADUATE. Winter 2013. It's happening. And I will probably be drunk for an entire month afterwards!
9. Get another job, or possibly apply at a corporate Starbucks. Not that I hate my current job or anything, but I think adding another one (particularly one with benefits) might be good. Plus, if I choose to go to a corporate Starbucks, I think they can transfer me to another one when I move to a currently undetermined location after graduation.
10. Manage money better and save for future plans. I'm terrible with money and would like to change that.

Land Mine

I fucking hate you.

I hate everything you've done to me.

I wish that I could rip your guts out, tear you apart--in hopes that you might feel even an ounce of what I'm feeling.

You were a bomb that went off, a land mine I stepped on, leaving nothing behind of me but mist and flecks of viscera.

I was finally somewhat ok. And you walked in--I thought there was only more good to come. But then you tossed me aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. And that's all I am now. I'm worth nothing, I am nothing. My days are now filled with blood and vomit and tears, all attempts to feel like I'm alive. Because ever since you laid eyes on me, I've slowly faded away.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm weak.
I'm sorry I don't have my life together.
I'm sorry my apartment is messy.
I'm sorry that my refrigerator was invaded by fruit flies and is basically unusable.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleaned it out yet.
I'm sorry about the piles of dirty laundry in my room.
I'm sorry I'm still in school.
I'm sorry I'm a bad student.
I'm sorry that my job is stupid and trivial.
I'm sorry that I'm terrible with money.
I'm sorry my credit card bill is so high.
I'm sorry I'm lazy.
I'm sorry I'm perpetually late.
I'm sorry I'm not thin like her.
I'm sorry I'm a bad dancer.
I'm sorry I haven't choreographed anything in almost a year.
I'm sorry I'm too sensitive, that I take things personally and hold grudges.
I'm sorry that I get jealous.
I'm sorry that I have so much repressed rage.
I'm sorry that I get clingy and codependent sometimes.
I'm sorry that I love with my whole self.
I'm sorry I allow people to affect me so deeply.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
I'm sorry you didn't fight for me like I would have fought for you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see past these things and love me anyway.

Currently...

Watching: Rewatching Mad Men so I can catch up on the last couple of seasons. I stopped watching a couple episodes into the third season, I think. And that was awhile back, so rewatching is necessary so I can remember everything that's happened thus far. I'm almost done with the second season, which is painful to watch mostly because I fucking HATE Bobbie Barrett, and she won't go awayyyy! Plus there are other excruciating moments that are hard to watch...Mad Men always tip-toes on the line that separates it from being completely horrifying.

Listening to: The Show Your Bones album by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, lots of Regina Spektor, some Kate Nash, a little Rufus Wainwright, with bits of the Next to Normal soundtrack thrown in.

Planning: Not much, really. Winter Break is coming up, and the only thing I have planned (besides going home for Christmas) is to straighten up my apartment and do a ton of laundry.

Thinking about: How I've been so completely fucked over, it's not even funny. And I just let it all happen...I'm so easy to toss aside because I'm too nice. I can't really go into further detail, but needless to say--it feels horrible.

Reading: I just finished re-reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch, which is one of my favorite books EVER. I've re-read it once a year since I was fifteen, it's that incredible. Now I'm between books, which I hate. I've been poking around in Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, another one of my favorite books. I'm thinking of re-reading The Bell Jar or picking up where I left off in Sylvia Plath's diaries...although maybe that's not a good idea since it's all very triggering. But I'm just that masochistic, I guess.

Making me happy: Echhh, not much. :/ If I had to choose, I'd say definitely the supercute customer at work that I have a crush on (never going to happen, but a girl can dream). And my Amazon wish list for Christmas. It's full of books about dance and movement therapy and whatnot.

Obsessions, Pt II

More things I am obsessed with:

Blending juxtaposing periods/genres/styles, etc.
Torture methods
Villains
Chair dances
The sound of high heels clicking on hard floors
Possession/Exorcism
Gestures
Vintage Propaganda (especially Soviet)
Dr. Cox & Jordan from Scrubs
Synchronization
Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls
Kelly Bishop outside of Gilmore Girls
Psychosomatic pain
Snow/cold weather
Moonlight Sonata
Desert autumn
East Coast autumn
Chocolate
Minnesota winter
The Donner Party
Talent
Dancers with high arches
Hula hoops
Skip-Its
Israeli contemporary dance
Bodies
Pinup Girls
"I Saw You" personal ads
Maria Celeste (Galileo's daughter)
Bob Fosse
Busby Berkeley
Catholicism
Natalie Portman
Burlesque
Vaudeville/Riverboat Shows
Minstrel Shows
The Moon
The 1812 Overture
Music from The Nutcracker
Doctor Who
Saturn
Tension
Movie trailers
Concert conductors
Zoe Bell
Stars/stargazing
Audrey Hepburn
Rhett Butler
Andre 3000
Sign language
Scarves
Masks
Smoke/Fog
The same story told from different points of view
Philip Glass on solo piano
Georgia--especially their accents
Quentin Tarantino movies
Poets--classic, contemporary, slam
Meryl Streep
Rope
Writers
Twinkle lights
Susan Orlean's writing style
Painters
Photographers
Francesca Lia Block
Michelle Pfieffer
Little eccentricities/quirks
Katharine Hepburn
Spelling
Black
Suicide
Emily Blunt
Ingrid Magnussen from White Oleander

Obsessions, Pt I

I was looking through old journals tonight, and I found a long list of my obsessions. I read in a Natalie Goldberg book about writing that it's good to keep a list of your obsessions, as it'll serve as writing inspiration when you can't think of a topic. So I listed them like crazy. It was fun reading over the list, and I'm still obsessed with basically everything on it.

So here are some things I'm obsessed with:

Chandeliers
Anachronisms
Glass bottles
The sound of shattering glass
Masculinity
Morticia & Gomez Addams
Idiosyncratic love songs
Mirrors
Breakdowns
Fleurs de lis
Eye contact/stares
Ella Fitzgerald
Different versions of the same song
Flawless ballerinas
Hands
Shoulders
Backs
Lyrics
Quotations
Poetry
Strippers
Prostitutes
Brothels
Eyes
Tattoos
Shiva
Art deco
Gender roles
Waiting
Singers who sing with their ENTIRE BODY
Silence
Screaming
Foreign languages
Anthropology
Russia
Addiction
Sex
Color
Black & White
Dreams/Dream Interpretation
Long strands of pearls
Id, Ego, Superego
Alter-egos
Gold makeup
Black & White makeup
Falling
Umbrellas
Desert rain
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Feet (looking, NOT touching)
Breathing
Audible breath
Fear
Percussion
Musicians
Portraits
Water
Death
Grief

I'll continue with the rest of the list tomorrow. :) You should list your obsessions...it's fun! And even more fun to look back on. I feel like it reveals a lot about oneself.

Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been alternating between two of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation and The West Wing. Both are brilliant! And I think Parks and Rec is hands down the funniest show on TV right now. I need to catch up on the recent episodes.

LISTENING TO: My recent playlist includes Lady Gaga, Mumford & Sons (I neeeeed to check out their new album!), Janelle Monae, and Katy Perry. All of which sound freaking amazing in my car's sound system. I often get strange looks from my neighbors when I drive through my apartment complex, and am temporarily confused until I realize that I'm blasting my music so loud that I'm basically a discotheque on wheels.

THINKING ABOUT: Why in the hell everyone around me was on my back today. My condescending manager, bitchy customers, Facebook friends who responded to my post about having to re-take my math class for the fifth time by telling me I need to get a tutor (guess what, bitches, I DID have a tutor and STILL couldn't pass! So why don't y'all go fuck yourselves!), and even the snotty salon receptionist who bitched me out when I had to cancel my appointment. Grrr. Just one of those annoying days, I guess.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT: School things, mostly. Mehhh. I wrote my advisor kind of a desperate email and she responded by saying she'll be out of the office until Tuesday and will get to it then. Thaaaanks for nothing. I'm also trying to figure out how to muster up enough energy to work yoga back into my life.

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Things are so bleak right now that it's hard to look forward to things. But I do have various lovely adventures coming up...Movies in the Park at the Biltmore, dancing "Thriller" at my friends' wedding reception (for realsies!), hopefully going to Disneyland! I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my family for Thanksgiving, and being reunited with my best friend who lives in San Francisco but will be coming to visit for Turkey Day!

READING: Still re-reading Angels & Demons for my Religion and Pop Culture class. I first read it in high school when I was more easily charmed, and I definitely realize this time around how cheesy and overdramatic Dan Brown's writing is. But I'm enjoying it, anyway. Guilty pleasure, y'know.

MAKING ME HAPPY: This was another thing I had to scour my brain for since I'm such a Negative Nancy lately. But the things making me happiest right now are my sweet kitty, the weather slowly changing, and hanging out with wonderful people.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Currently...

Loving: My new job. It's crazy and fast-paced, which is terrifying but thrilling. And it's exactly what I signed up for. I'm also loving that autumn, my favorite season, is tantalizingly near!! I can't wait to listen to my favorite autumn music (mostly a lot of Nickel Creek), for some cooler weather, for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and for all things pumpkin (especially pumpkin ale)!

Reading: I'm still plodding along in Julie & Julia...I just haven't felt much like reading lately, so it remains unfinished. I'm hoping I'll have more recreational reading time once I get used to my crazy school and work schedule. Additionally, I'm reading some interesting books for school. I'm taking a class in Religion and Popular Culture, and the book list for that is pretty great. Next week I have to read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, which I've actually already read but it was a loooong time ago. So I get to re-read it, which I don't mind...Dan Brown books are like literary candy. Om nom nom.

Watching: Morning Glory. I know I've written about this movie on here before...I freakin love it! Other things I've been watching include 28 Days (totally underrated Sandra Bullock flick), Easy A, and Best in Show. I was also thinking a lot about The Nightmare Before Christmas yesterday, so I definitely think that's due for a re-watch. It'll get me all excited for autumn, too!

Thinking about: Unfortunately the main thing I've been thinking about is something I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Sorry! I've also been thinking a lot about how much I relate to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas in terms of feeling overlooked, as well as her ability to see beneath the surface of things yet no one listens to her intuitions. I've also been thinking about how much I relate to the character of Amelie from the movie of the same name (which just happens to be my #1 favorite movie EVERRRR), in that we both tend to lose ourselves in helping people. And we also help others often at great personal expense. Sighhh.

Surprised by: My ability to catch on to my new job. The list of duties is long and complex, but I'm doing pretty well. A lot of my co-workers have commented on how they're surprised that I just started a couple weeks ago because I'm doing so well. Yay! :)

Making me sad: I realized that yesterday would have been my sister's 36th birthday had she not passed away in 1996. August 28th always happens to be a shitty day for me, and I think it's because I always have thoughts of her lingering in the back of my mind.

Making me happy: It actually feels pretty good to dance again. I didn't dance much all summer which I was kicking myself for, but I realize now that it was probably a good idea to step away from movement for a little while. Last semester, I was starting to hate dance. It just felt painful and bad to move in my modern and ballet classes, and that was very straining both physically and emotionally. But the time away must have done me some good, because I've been feeling pretty great in my modern class so far. I think a lot of that has to do with my amazing teacher, though! She rocks and her pedagogy just works really well with my body.

On Being Half-Way Through My Twenties...

I'm kind of having a meltdown over here.

My 25th birthday is on Monday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My Mom asked me the other day what was on my birthday list this year, and I honestly had no idea what I wanted. Except for one thing: the only thing I really want is to NOT be turning 25.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and therefore just feel like an epic failure. I'm STILL not done with school; I'm eight years into my fucking bachelor's degree and am actually older than most of the grad students. I don't have a job. I've applied everywhere, and no one, not even McDonald's, will call me back. I have absolutely zero financial independence. My parents pay all my bills, including a sky-high Visa bill which, no matter how hard I try, just will not go down. They just bought me a new car. I can't think of anyone more UNdeserving of a new car than me. I have no idea how to handle money. I don't know how to cook and can't keep my apartment clean. While friend after friend gets married, I remain single. I've put on like 20 pounds in the past year and can't lose it. I've crossed the threshold into being too fat to dance, because every time I do, it just hurts. I almost feel like I hate dancing now. I haven't choreographed a musical in two years and, despite the hiatus, still feel choreographically tapped out. This is unfortunate because I planned on making this my career, and have absolutely no idea what I would do instead. I've done absolutely nothing with my life, and I have no idea where I'm going anymore.

Cheers.