University of Wily Exuberance

This was my horoscope from Free Will Astrology last week. I think it kind of sums things up.

CANCER (June 21st-July 22nd)
This would be an excellent time for you to get aggressively inventive about your education. It wouldn't be too crazy, in my opinion, to launch your own school, with you as the only student. You could design your own course curriculum for the coming years. Decide who your teachers will be. Think about where you can get the stuff you'll need to expand your mind, enhance your skills, and just plain increase your intelligence. You could call your center of higher learning the University of Wily Exuberance or the Academy of Astonishing Grace or the Institute of Getting Down to Business.

Yep.

On a completely different note, here is a random sampling of my Irrational Thinking/Rampant Imagination:
I came home earlier and saw that some of the lights were on. Which always makes me feel like all is not right in Whoville, since Jonathan (roommate) always turns all the lights off even when he's home. But his car wasn't in the driveway AND the door was locked, so I assumed he was probably out somewhere (it is Friday night, after all) and just didn't turn the lights off or something. Now, a normal person would just stop at that logical conclusion. But my imagination tends to run wild. SO, I'm still half-convinced that I'm going to find Jonathan murdered and stuffed in a closet, and the reason his car is gone is that the killer stole it. The kitties have the crazies right now, which only creeps me out even more, like they're trying to tell me something.

Shut up, brain.

"I've lost Hunt and Torres. See, I sent them to get Shepherd and I never heard from them again. See, I was trying to solve the Shepherd situation for you, Sir, but, It appears I've somehow made it three times worse. So...I'm telling you, and my next move I believe is that I'm gonna call the police. Because...I'm half-convinced they're all dead. On a spit. With a one-armed man turning them into shishkebabs. Sir. It's my mind. It just goes there."
--Dr. Bailey, Grey's Anatomy #5.18: "Stand By Me"

Morning thus far:

7:45 AM - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
8:45 AM - Finally get up. Think I have enough time for everything.
8:55 AM - Make tea, put Poptarts in the toaster, wash an apple. Feed Ragnar the last handful of food in the bag and pray that my new credit card comes in the mail ASAP because I can't afford to buy him a new bag of food otherwise.
9:15 AM - Realize that I'm seriously running late, and WHY didn't my brain put that together when my alarm went off. Gulp down tea, pack apple to go. Throw on dance clothes that I'd set out the night before, do hair, brush teeth at warp speed.
9:25 AM - Speed out the door, heart sinks when I remember that I emptied my gas tank last night. Pray that I have enough left to get to school. Start eating the apple, which tastes sour. Make mental note to throw out the rest of the apples in the fridge later. Throw out the Poptarts because I'm not hungry anymore.
9:40 AM - Turn onto Rural Road. Class starts in five minutes.
9:45 to 9:50 AM - Get to the Rural garage, try to find a parking space. Realize that this is stupid, that by the time I get to class I'll be something like 20 minutes late. Instantly regret staying up a little later than I should have to sew elastic on my ballet shoes. Stomach sinks because I realize my name is still on the stupid ballet roster, am embarrassed that my classmates will witness me missing another class for the millionth time.
9:50 AM - Drive out of the Rural garage and head back to Baseline Rd. Wonder why I questioned dropping ballet in the first place. Send Steve multiple texts since he's in training at his new job and can't pick up the phone. Call my Mom multiple times; get voice mail. Can't fucking believe she isn't home the one time I actually need to talk. Leave a message telling her I'm dropping ballet and not sure why I thought I could do this in the first place. Mind is racing.
9:55 AM - Pull into QuikTrip and get $6 worth of gas. I now have $5 left in my bank account.
10:10 AM - Get home. Slam doors.
10:20 AM - Drop ballet. Wishing I could punch walls like an emotionally repressed boy.

Stuff I LOVE Right Now

Despite my dramatic existential crisis with school, stressful health issues, Steve being gone and more friends moving (it's the great Mass Exodus of 2010), there are some simple pleasures that I've been immersing myself in. So I made a list.

1. TEA before bed, Tea any time, Tea in general!
2. Snuggling with Ragnar kitty for hours. I swear he knows when I'm sad because he always shoves his face into mine and gives me a nuzzle exactly when I need it.
3. My nightie with the stars on it, so soft and comfy.
4. Styling my hair in soft summery curls, à la Rachel McAdams in The Notebook.
5. My silly Converse boots. So ridiculous.
6. Tea Tree Oil shampoo and conditioner. Smells SO GOOD and feels all great and tingly. (Good call, Kay!)
7. The pretty blogs I read, even if their pretty lives frustrate me sometimes. (That's a whole other entry.)
8. Looking at European apartments on Craigslist. Not being able to go may be frustrating, but at least knowing these pretty places exist is very comforting.
9. Hilary Duff movies! Ooh, and Miami Ink on streaming Netflix.
10. THE CHIEFTAINS.
11. My new organic tinted moisturizer and Urban Decay lipstick that I picked up yesterday at Ulta with my makeup liason, Kay.
12. Writing in a paper journal again.
13. Lovely reading in my bag: Real Simple Magazine, and Memoirs of Montparnasse by John Glassco (he was such a brat!). I also have a book all about the making of Breakfast at Tiffany's, but haven't started it yet.
14. And of course, daily phone calls from Steve.

Street Lights

I really can't be 100% sure about this until classes actually start on Thursday, but I have a feeling that graduating college is something that is just not going to happen for me. Part of me is still fiercely hanging onto the idea of staying in school even though it makes me miserable most of the time. I'm waiting for that part to let go. I'm also waiting for the day when I can forgive myself for feeling like this, because right now all I feel is guilt. So much money wasted--both on tuition at the UA and ASU, and for many flights/hotel stays during BFA auditions...so much money, it's disgusting. And so much time wasted; my time, my teachers' time. Again, I can't be 100% sure about this until I see how this semester feels and I talk to some people. But I went to ASU today for an advising session and have another one tomorrow; it's not looking good. I just don't think it's going to happen.



"Let me know...
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain't always set in stone.
That be known, let me know. Let me--
Seems like streetlights, glowing,
happen to be just like
moments passing in front of me
so I hopped in the cab and,
I paid my fare;
See, I know my destination,
But I'm just not there..."
--Street Lights, Kanye West

Sad and Happy.

(I actually wrote this earrrly this morning--Steve's flight was at 7:00 AM--but I didn't really have the energy to post it anywhere but my LiveJournal.)

I just dropped Steve off at the airport...

And after all the hell I put myself through trying to wrap my mind around the idea of breaking up, we actually decided to stay together and try the long distance thing. I honestly have no idea where things will go, particularly because I don't have plans to move anytime soon (nor am I sure I'll ultimately end up in NYC; I'm interested in a few other cities). But breaking up just didn't feel right at all. We both felt like this isn't the end. And even though it's going to be difficult and neither of us really know how to do this, we want to be together and in each others lives.

But at the same time, I feel this huge void. We're still together, but he's not here. That really knocked the wind out of me when I was walking back to my car after seeing him off. He's not here. Things are different. And that void feels so huge that I want nothing more than to jump on a plane to New York immediately just to have a movie night over Pacificos with lime, fall asleep next to him, and go to brunch in the morning. I'm not sure how to deal with this, and it's going to be a huge adjustment. I'm lucky to have a Dad with billions of frequent flyer miles and a brother-in-law who works for an airline; meaning that visits won't be too difficult or expensive to arrange.

Basically, I can't believe he isn't here. But I am so happy that we're still together, and I love the feeling that I can still call him and tell him about my day.

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.