Currently...

WATCHING:
Sooooo muuuuch Parks and Recreation. I don't know how I ever survived without Ron Swanson. Also watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and am totally in love with Data. And I really wish someone would just punch Wesley Crusher in his stupid face and then throw him off the Enterprise forever. Because I hate him.
I have a lot of feelings, okay?
Also just got done rewatching the Sex and the City movie for the first time in awhile. Yes, I realize how problematic that show/movie is in terms of it being drenched in stereotypes and white privilege. But I can't help loving it anyway, so deal with it. And in case you were wondering, I'm a Charlotte.

LISTENING TO:
I have "Sin Wagon" by the Dixie Chicks on repeat, and desperately want to sing it at karaoke now that I know I can hit all the high notes!
Also listening to a shit ton of Broadway showtunes, namely Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Mesa Encore Theatre will be holding auditions for that show soon and I would love to play Jolene) and Cabaret (aka my favorite musical ever, EVER, EVER).

PLANNING:
What the rest of my year will look like.
I found out last night, just after posting my list of various goals, that the cute indie coffee shop right across the street from my apartment is HIRING! Pretty fantastic timing, I must say, considering I had only just made the concrete decision to get a new job that day. I do hope it pans out. Even if it doesn't, I'm still not returning to my job this fall. I can always use the unemployed time to focus solely on school and learning how to become a functional human being, then go back to job-hunting after I graduate.
Also toying with some new interior design ideas for my room. I'd like to add a desk, reorganize my closets, get a beanbag chair (just because), and daydream about having enough room for an antique art deco vanity (even though I don't, unless I can move my smaller dresser into the closet...hmmm).

THINKING ABOUT:
School. I keep looking at my transcript thingie over and over again, because I basically can't believe I'm like four or five classes away from graduating. I need to work out some scheduling issues with my advisor, but then I should be all set for fall. I love you, ASU School of Dance, but I need to be done. Like right now.
Oh yeah, and I turn 26 next week?? Blahhhhhh.

READING:
I just finished up Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. SO good, SO creepy! I need her to release another fucked-up dark mystery novel ASAP!!
Now I'm in the dreaded between-books stage. I did just buy Dan Brown's new book on my iPad, so maybe I'll dive into that. I know his books are like literary junk food, but I am a shameless junk food enthusiast so I don't really care.

MAKING ME HAPPY:

• Performing. Not just being onstage, but the whole ritual of it. Picking up my green tea lemonade from Starbucks before heading to the theater, goofing around with my silly castmates, putting on my makeup and costume. Then taking it all off afterwards and heading home, ready to do it again the next night. I don't know...it's hard to explain. But I love it.
• PASSING MATH and being DONE with those classes forever and ever!
• Singing in my car all the time, and discovering I have a higher belt range than I previously thought.
• My pretty new dresser.
• Having stuff to look forward to in the (near) future as opposed to just bleak nothingness. I still don't know what my ultimate career path will be, but at least I have some things to keep me occupied until I figure it out.
• Poached eggs covered in Cholula on top of carnitas, potatoes, and cheese from Crackers & Company. Om nom nom.
• My supercute nieces and nephews.
• Eating ALL THE EEGEE'S! (It's a glorious local restaurant chain in Tucson.)
• This short piece on why Gillian Flynn writes about violent women: http://gillian-flynn.com/for-readers/
• Jenna Marbles. She makes me wish I was funny enough to do clever, pithy, silly vlogs. I particularly enjoy this video, 'cause it's totally true: 

To Do List

• Take acting classes and private voice lessons. I really love performing, and would like to do more of it. Particularly with contracted theaters like Phoenix Theatre or Arizona Broadway Theatre. So I need to practice more and learn more, because natural talent only takes one so far.
• Possibly start learning how to play the piano. Or maybe take up the drums again. Or both. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the piano, and briefly took drum lessons when I was 13 and have always wanted to start again. So why not.
• Wear makeup more. Not because I feel like I “need" to in order to look pretty, but simply because it’s just fun to play with.
• Get a new job. Even though it probably won't be until after I graduate, since this upcoming semester is crazy. The logical thing would be to apply at a corporate Starbucks since I already have barista experience at a licensed location, but I’m also looking at applying at a fun bar/restaurant place near my house.
• Experiment with fashion again. I used to dress really fun and silly and funky in high school. And while I can no longer get away with wearing the kinds of things I used to then (like toothbrushes in my hair or neon fishnets….well, maybe I can still pull off the fishnets :D), I feel like I’ve lost my cute personal style over the years and I’d like to develop one again.
• Make time for artsy crafty stuff again.
• See my family in person more often instead of living vicariously through adorable Facebook photos of my nieces and nephews. Also, visit my best buddies who are scattered across the country.
• GRADUATE. I’M SO CLOSE.

Only Darkness

I had a dream last night where I was trying to get to ASU Gammage, the well-known theatrical venue in Tempe. I can't remember if I was seeing a show there, or working on a show. But either way, I had to get there and was running late as usual.

I was driving at night, and turned onto a road where I was immediately blinded by thick darkness. I could barely make out Gammage in the distance. I tried turning my brights on, but the darkness just absorbed every ounce of light. I had no choice but to drive blind.

I feel like this is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. If you label Gammage as my career goals in the arts and the drive as my journey to them, it all makes perfect sense. I thought I had a well-lit path, but I no longer do. It's only thick, frightening darkness with a barely discernible end in sight, far away in the distance. And right now, I am failing miserably at navigating my way through and have no idea what to do.

Yes I Am!

Even though I know that people not liking me is simply an inevitable part of life, I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that someone out there hates every part of my existence. And for such a fucking stupid reason that could've easily been resolved had it not been so wildly blown out of proportion.

I can't help thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. There's this episode of Scrubs where JD has a girl on his mind, and Turk calls him out on it. JD denies that he's thinking of her, but then we go into his daydream and he's imagining her jumping on his back saying, "YES I AM!" (I wish I could find a clip of it on YouTube, buuut I couldn't. Sighh.) But anyway...That's how it feels. I deny that he's on my mind, and then it's like he's jumping on my back screaming, "YES I AM!"

He's always....there. Jumping on my back, walking past me on campus, sitting near me. I wish he would stop haunting me.

Maybe if he didn't hate me so much this all would be easier.

Moving On

I don't hate you.

 Maybe this further solidifies my status as a weak person. Maybe I SHOULD hate you. But no matter how hard I try, I just don't. You've made me angry and sad and heartbroken, yes. But when I think of you I don't feel the burning hatred that you seem to feel for me. I only feel gratitude for the good times, and both sadness and relief that it's over.

You should feel ashamed for feeling this way.
You should feel ashamed that instead of fighting for me and working through the problems, you chose to cut me off and bolt when things got difficult.

But despite it all, I still don't hate you and never will.

So enough now. I'm done. I'm moving on and letting you go, and it's time for you to do the same.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.