Morning thus far:

7:45 AM - Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
8:45 AM - Finally get up. Think I have enough time for everything.
8:55 AM - Make tea, put Poptarts in the toaster, wash an apple. Feed Ragnar the last handful of food in the bag and pray that my new credit card comes in the mail ASAP because I can't afford to buy him a new bag of food otherwise.
9:15 AM - Realize that I'm seriously running late, and WHY didn't my brain put that together when my alarm went off. Gulp down tea, pack apple to go. Throw on dance clothes that I'd set out the night before, do hair, brush teeth at warp speed.
9:25 AM - Speed out the door, heart sinks when I remember that I emptied my gas tank last night. Pray that I have enough left to get to school. Start eating the apple, which tastes sour. Make mental note to throw out the rest of the apples in the fridge later. Throw out the Poptarts because I'm not hungry anymore.
9:40 AM - Turn onto Rural Road. Class starts in five minutes.
9:45 to 9:50 AM - Get to the Rural garage, try to find a parking space. Realize that this is stupid, that by the time I get to class I'll be something like 20 minutes late. Instantly regret staying up a little later than I should have to sew elastic on my ballet shoes. Stomach sinks because I realize my name is still on the stupid ballet roster, am embarrassed that my classmates will witness me missing another class for the millionth time.
9:50 AM - Drive out of the Rural garage and head back to Baseline Rd. Wonder why I questioned dropping ballet in the first place. Send Steve multiple texts since he's in training at his new job and can't pick up the phone. Call my Mom multiple times; get voice mail. Can't fucking believe she isn't home the one time I actually need to talk. Leave a message telling her I'm dropping ballet and not sure why I thought I could do this in the first place. Mind is racing.
9:55 AM - Pull into QuikTrip and get $6 worth of gas. I now have $5 left in my bank account.
10:10 AM - Get home. Slam doors.
10:20 AM - Drop ballet. Wishing I could punch walls like an emotionally repressed boy.

Stuff I LOVE Right Now

Despite my dramatic existential crisis with school, stressful health issues, Steve being gone and more friends moving (it's the great Mass Exodus of 2010), there are some simple pleasures that I've been immersing myself in. So I made a list.

1. TEA before bed, Tea any time, Tea in general!
2. Snuggling with Ragnar kitty for hours. I swear he knows when I'm sad because he always shoves his face into mine and gives me a nuzzle exactly when I need it.
3. My nightie with the stars on it, so soft and comfy.
4. Styling my hair in soft summery curls, à la Rachel McAdams in The Notebook.
5. My silly Converse boots. So ridiculous.
6. Tea Tree Oil shampoo and conditioner. Smells SO GOOD and feels all great and tingly. (Good call, Kay!)
7. The pretty blogs I read, even if their pretty lives frustrate me sometimes. (That's a whole other entry.)
8. Looking at European apartments on Craigslist. Not being able to go may be frustrating, but at least knowing these pretty places exist is very comforting.
9. Hilary Duff movies! Ooh, and Miami Ink on streaming Netflix.
10. THE CHIEFTAINS.
11. My new organic tinted moisturizer and Urban Decay lipstick that I picked up yesterday at Ulta with my makeup liason, Kay.
12. Writing in a paper journal again.
13. Lovely reading in my bag: Real Simple Magazine, and Memoirs of Montparnasse by John Glassco (he was such a brat!). I also have a book all about the making of Breakfast at Tiffany's, but haven't started it yet.
14. And of course, daily phone calls from Steve.

Street Lights

I really can't be 100% sure about this until classes actually start on Thursday, but I have a feeling that graduating college is something that is just not going to happen for me. Part of me is still fiercely hanging onto the idea of staying in school even though it makes me miserable most of the time. I'm waiting for that part to let go. I'm also waiting for the day when I can forgive myself for feeling like this, because right now all I feel is guilt. So much money wasted--both on tuition at the UA and ASU, and for many flights/hotel stays during BFA auditions...so much money, it's disgusting. And so much time wasted; my time, my teachers' time. Again, I can't be 100% sure about this until I see how this semester feels and I talk to some people. But I went to ASU today for an advising session and have another one tomorrow; it's not looking good. I just don't think it's going to happen.



"Let me know...
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain't always set in stone.
That be known, let me know. Let me--
Seems like streetlights, glowing,
happen to be just like
moments passing in front of me
so I hopped in the cab and,
I paid my fare;
See, I know my destination,
But I'm just not there..."
--Street Lights, Kanye West

Sad and Happy.

(I actually wrote this earrrly this morning--Steve's flight was at 7:00 AM--but I didn't really have the energy to post it anywhere but my LiveJournal.)

I just dropped Steve off at the airport...

And after all the hell I put myself through trying to wrap my mind around the idea of breaking up, we actually decided to stay together and try the long distance thing. I honestly have no idea where things will go, particularly because I don't have plans to move anytime soon (nor am I sure I'll ultimately end up in NYC; I'm interested in a few other cities). But breaking up just didn't feel right at all. We both felt like this isn't the end. And even though it's going to be difficult and neither of us really know how to do this, we want to be together and in each others lives.

But at the same time, I feel this huge void. We're still together, but he's not here. That really knocked the wind out of me when I was walking back to my car after seeing him off. He's not here. Things are different. And that void feels so huge that I want nothing more than to jump on a plane to New York immediately just to have a movie night over Pacificos with lime, fall asleep next to him, and go to brunch in the morning. I'm not sure how to deal with this, and it's going to be a huge adjustment. I'm lucky to have a Dad with billions of frequent flyer miles and a brother-in-law who works for an airline; meaning that visits won't be too difficult or expensive to arrange.

Basically, I can't believe he isn't here. But I am so happy that we're still together, and I love the feeling that I can still call him and tell him about my day.

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.

Yesterday in Music

Yesterday was a fun music day. Here's some of the stuff I was listening to...

I started with Jane Monheit, badass jazz babe. I had to wake up super early (5:45 AM) to take Steve to work. (Long story.) I was mildly hungover from 4th of July festivities, so I chose Jane Monheit because she's nice and mellow and gorgeous and didn't hurt my pounding head:

Started with Over the Rainbow, Then Waters of March, per Steve's request. It's his favorite Jane song. I ended the drive with Hit the Road to Dreamland.

Halfway through Over the Rainbow, my headache started easing up. Jane Monheit cured my hangover. This is one of many reasons why I love her.

Later on, I had a doctors appointment. I always get nervous when I have to go to the doctor, so I needed something peppy to cheer me up. Clearly, I needed Janelle Monae:

Her adorable tiny fierceness helped me be less nervous. :)

I decided to reward myself for going to the doctor by going shopping. Janelle Monae got me in a sassy mood, so I switched over to Lady Gaga:

Started with Teeth! Ohh I do love this song. "Take a bite of my baaaad girl meat!" Then listened to Bad Romance since I hadn't listened to it in awhile. I belted Poker Face on the 101 driving home. I used to really hate this song, but now it's a guilty pleasure. And a perfect for the freeway. I listened to part of Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) in my driveway while I was trying to figure out my surprisingly confusing shade thing for my windshield. Normally I skip over this song, but I rediscovered it today.


And that's about it. I love fun music days!

I actually fell asleep at like 8 or 9 PM last night, because I'd gotten up early. CRAZY. It's nice having a reason to get up early, but I'm predicting this will only last for a few days before I'll be back to my vampire schedule. Eh.

Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

I've slept most of this week. I just haven't felt like staying awake...Or, it's more like I can't drum up the energy to stay awake. And I would definitely love to stay awake, seeing as 99% of my dreams are vividly unsettling or full-blown nightmares (like the one I had last night where Aaron Echolls was chasing me. Unnnnsettling. Most likely brought on from re-watching season one of Veronica Mars with Steve, who had never seen it. Aaron Echolls is a scary man.) Anyway. The point is, I'm sleeping too much. And am kind of trapped in a vicious sleep circle--the more I sleep, the more weak/exhausted I feel; yet I don't have enough energy or motivation to fight through it and wake up. It's annoying.
So I'm up in the middle of the night right now, doing one of my favorite insomniac activities: reading The Pioneer Woman. Of course, I really don't cook. I have sparse cooking skills and my impatience with it overwhelms my desire to get better at it. But I inexplicably love reading food blogs like Pioneer Woman. I think in the back of my mind I know I'll eventually start cooking a little more in the future and probably still won't be that great at it, but will be better than I am now. Anyway. I'm reading her recipe for Decadent Chocolate Milk right now, but had to stop temporarily when I got to the part where she mentions semi-sweet chocolate. Because it triggered a series of totally random childhood memories.

When I wasn't at home, I spent the majority of my childhood hanging out with my oldest friends, Justine and Lanie. I met them when I randomly walked out of my house at age three or so, and toddled over to their house out of all the houses in our neighborhood. I remember I was wearing my white Mary Jane shoes that had the little hole punch pattern on the toe. Remember those kinds of shoes? I wandered over to their house, knocked on the door, and met their Mama (her name is June) and met Justine. Little Lanie was asleep in her crib, so we all had to whisper and tip-toe. June called my Mama who was frantic with worry by then, and I was returned to my house. That was pretty much the catalyst for a lifelong friendship, as I continued to stay friends with Justine and Lanie while my Mama continued to stay friends with their Mama.

Some of the most vivid memories I have of summer afternoons spent at their house revolve around food. We ate a lot of random things. June would make us "Dunkers," soft-boiled eggs which we ate with strips of toast. Or we would take out the tub of Nutella, and dip spoonfuls of it into Rice Krispies before eating it. I remember dreading when June would make us PB&J, because she made it with refrigerated bread, which I've always hated the taste of (and still hate to this day). But I never liked to complain when I was a guest in someone's house, so I ate it anyway. In terms of more decadent, ridiculous snacks, I remember Justine loved eating sweetened condensed milk right out of the can. I never really liked that. But we all loved the gluttonous joy of eating entire cans of cherry pie filling with a spoon! We usually had to do it secretly, because ohhh how our Moms hated that! A few years later, their stepdad John, who is from Brazil, would cook Brazilian meals for us. There is nothing more orgasmic than Brazilian steak, or that really delicious rice with the powdery stuff on top (I forgot the name). June's best friend, Mary Beth, who Justine and Lanie referred to as "Auntie," was the proprietor and cake chef at Maribelle Cakery. We loved visiting the kitchen and stealing spoonfuls of frosting, or sampling her latest recipe. Whenever Justine and Lanie had a birthday, we always had a deliciously outrageous cake from Maribelle to eat.

Oddly enough, one of my favorite snacks was the most simple: semi-sweet chocolate chips. We'd pour them into the dainty little glasses that June usually used for Dunkers. But Justine, Lanie and I would use them for eating cupfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips while watching TV shows after school or during the summer. Every time I eat a semi-sweet chocolate chip, I definitely taste those childhood afternoons. And remember all the other random and delicious food we ate growing up. I just bought a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips from the grocery store for exactly this reason. All I need are some soft-boiled egg glasses to eat them out of.