Sunday, May 29, 2011

Thanks, brain.

Every time I think I'm okay, I'm harshly reminded that I'm not. Nowhere near it, in fact.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

On Repeat

"This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
Then try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made,
and stick it into some--
Someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood."

--On the Radio, Regina Spektor

Friday, May 27, 2011

Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Blurred Blue

I remember when I was a little girl, I was toddling around the pool. I had a toy broom with me, and was dipping it in the water and drawing designs on the deck as if the broom were a paintbrush. All of a sudden, I fell in. I couldn't swim at the time, so I sank. I have a kinesthetic memory of looking up and seeing the blue water and the backyard blurred by the surface. One of my sisters dove in and pulled me out. I was lucky. I grew up in a big house with lots of people swirling around all the time.

The other night I was sitting in my room by myself. All the brouhaha about the supposed Rapture on May 21st may have been silly, but you have to admit it got you thinking. What would we do if the world ended? Or in a massive disaster? If the world ended right now, I'd be all alone. I would sink, seeing the world above blurred by chaos and destruction. But I would keep sinking; there would be no one to pull me out. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a solitary creature, yes...I don't mind being by myself most of the time. But if the world ended right now, I don't want to be alone. I'd want someone with me to be scared with, to die with.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Moving On

I went to meet with my advisor today, and we finally settled on a graduation plan that is doable. It looks like, if all goes well, I'll be graduating Fall '13. Which is only a semester after I was supposed to graduate. Not too shabby. She couldn't answer one of my biggest questions, though, which is how to make up the two semesters of seminar classes I'm missing. We have seminar classes for each year, so they're year-long courses, and they're all held at the same time during the day so you can't take more than one seminar class at a time. I'm missing the spring semesters of both 2nd and 3rd year seminar, and I'm worried about how to make them up. My advisor said independent studies might be a possibility? have to email the head curriculum specialist for the School of Dance and ask her. Even though that part is a little up in the air, I'm pretty pleased with the plan. I just hope I can handle school again. This is going to be the make-or-break semester...if it doesn't go well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop out and move on with my life.

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I'm hoping to move into my own apartment this year. Preferably this summer; I just have to talk to my roommate and see if he wants more time to find another person to move into my room (I haven't mentioned this to him yet since it's still up in the air). I'm not moving because there's anything wrong with my current roommate situation. It's actually a perfect set up: a big house and a roommate who understands that I like to keep to myself most of the time. Nothing wrong with the situation at all. I'm just at a point where I want to live by myself for a bit. And I want to take advantage of that now before I move somewhere like New York in a few years and will have to have roommates again. Plus Ragnar doesn't get along too well with one of the kitties, and I'm worried he'll get really mad one day and it'll end badly. So I just need to try living by myself (well, with Ragnar) for awhile.

went and checked out the complex I'm thinking of moving to, and it's basically amazing. The woman I met with and took a tour with was really nice and gave me a lot of good information. And the apartments are A-DOR-A-BLE. A perfect space for me and the kitty. The only drawback is that it's a little pricey compared to my current rent, but I think it's actually pretty standard for good, non-roach infested apartments. Plus I really lucked out with the rent I'm paying now; I doubt many places are this inexpensive to live in! I've been researching complexes since I first moved to Phoenix (even then I wanted to live on my own), and the conclusion I've drawn from reading reviews online is that if you move to a complex with super-cheap rent, you kind of get what you pay for. So I'm hoping that A) my parents will be willing to co-sign the lease with me and B) that I get a job before the end of the summer so I can start paying rent on my own. I really want this to happen! And I think it will be good for me to have a space that's mine.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Triptych: Apprehensively Determined

I) I don't understand how my classmates at ASU make it look so easy. I know one girl who does so much that she must run on an hour of sleep per night. Another girl somehow effortlessly double-majors and still finds time to stage manage. Another girl churns out these eccentric performance pieces, one after the other, like it's nothing. How exactly to they do it? And why is it so difficult for me? Do they struggle, or is it really that doable for them? I honestly have no idea how they do it all.

II) I've hit a point where everything has to be black and white. It can either be all good or all bad--I can't take the normal ups and downs anymore. I don't have the strength or desire to swim through shades of gray. At least when it's black or white, I have some idea of how to deal with it; how to live.

III) I was listening to West Side Story yesterday, and something just clicked in my brain. It's one of those shows that I'm not sure I could choreograph well because it's SO iconic that it feels like there's not much room for originality. Maybe even more iconic than Fosse shows. Most people just re-create each number from the movie. I'm going to change all that. I'm actually seeing movement sequences in my head, and feel like I'll be able to utilize the same mindset I used during Sweet Charity: maintaining the aesthetic and integrity of the original movement, but still choreographing it in my own style. I'm going to choreograph West Side Story. I'm thinking of gathering my dancer friends together, teach them some of the sequences that I'm seeing in my head for the show (and for Hairspray, too), burn it onto a DVD and send it to Mesa Encore Theatre. This is so happening.

Monday, May 16, 2011

No Thinking, Only Doing

I really need to think less and do more. At least for a little while. I over-think and over-think about plans and things I want to do, but then end up doing nothing. So I need to think less and do more. Here are some inspirational and relevant (and awesome) Disney gifs to keep me on track:


In other news, I really like this song and video. The choreography is nine kinds of fabulous and I'm obsessed. I'm looking forward to the new album!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Shrugging of the Shoulders

I did end up cancelling my PT audition. I kind of feel like a loser for doing so, but at the same time I'm okay with it. Meh. I spent the day sleeping, eating ice cream, doing crafty things, and watching Twin Peaks. Audrey Horne is my hero and one can never get enough Dale Cooper.

I think I might still audition for Little Shop at Hale later this month, since, oh yeah, I didn't get cast in Hairspray. Kind of made me a little sad since I would've loved to be in it and killed the dance audition (and in HEELS, damn it!), but I totally understand. I really think my fate with that show is to choreograph it rather than be in it. I look too much like a Tracy to be in the ensemble, and I'm not good enough to actually play Tracy. So I've decided to focus on the choreography side. Mesa Encore Theatre is doing it next summer, so I'm going to contact them now. Maybe I'll choreograph their West Side Story while I'm at it (if they get the rights, that is).

Still desperate for a job. I just applied to Barnes and Noble but haven't heard back yet. Dahh. My next applications will be for Changing Hands and the Apple store. And McDonald's. Because at this point, I'm so not above working at McDonald's. I just want and need a damn job.

It's nice to feel somewhat motivated to do stuff. I've spent many hours thinking that I won't last through this year so why bother making long-term goals. But I suppose the five thousand medications I'm jacked up on are starting to work because I'm not thinking that as often. Shrug.

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Night Before

My Phoenix Theatre audition appointment is tomorrow at 2. My resumes and headshots are printed and stapled, audition forms filled out, audition songs and monologue all practiced. But I'm actually thinking of cancelling. For some reason, my heart isn't in it. And I don't feel 100% ready, particularly with my monologue. I was originally going to do this great piece from Talk Radio, but it ended up being WAY too long. So the other day I switched over to Ilse's monologue from the Franz Wedekind Spring's Awakening (in the musical version, it's where she's talking to Moritz about her crazy life). I have it memorized and everything, but I'm worried about the last minute switch and don't feel ready to perform it. Plus, I really need to focus on school this fall and getting performance credit (meaning I need to actually audition for pieces and be more involved on campus instead of only doing theater). It's really difficult to do school full-time and rehearse a show at the same time.

Gahhhh I don't know.

I just don't feel ready and don't feel that into it. I'm only interested in doing Gypsy next season, anyway, and auditioning for one show doesn't really feel worth the stress and nerves. My printer has been on the fritz all week, too, and printing everything out was like pulling teeth. Maybe that's a sign. Bleh. I don't know. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Curl Up in a Ball, Part Two

It's been...quite a couple of days. Does that even make sense? Whatever. That's the only way to describe it. Just...quite a couple of days.

I can't process things, I can't deal with things, I can't move on, I can't believe the things that people say to me. And I can't take it anymore. What's wrong with me??? I'm so sick of myself. I'm sick of being in this body and this mind that won't let me just BE OK. I just keep burying everything. I literally don't know how to NOT bury everything.

It's been quite a couple of days. My heart hurts.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Okay, then.

Wellllll I went ahead and botched my audition today. Nerves, completely blanking, my mind somewhere else. I've never been so humiliated at an audition. But I got through it and learned from it. I guess. It's not like I really had a chance of getting cast in anything there to begin with, but still...making a complete idiot of yourself is NOT fun.

More details later. Maybe. I kind of just want to curl up in a ball.

Annnnd good night.
P.S. Finding out last night that my ex-boyfriend is in town for the weekend didn't really do wonders for my concentration. But that's a whole other story. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I was going to go curl up in a ball.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Go, Girl, Seek Happy Nights to Happy Days.

I'm so grateful to have grown up with Shakespeare. I've been reading, performing and seeing Shakespeare plays since I was a little girl, and have loved his work for as long as I can remember. Even when I have no idea what a line means, it's so beautiful that I don't even care that I don't understand it. They're words that you go swimming in, wrap around you like a warm blanket, drink down ravenously while simultaneously savoring each drop. Frank McCourt wrote the most perfect simile in Angela's Ashes, saying that "[he] loved the Shakespeare," and that reading it aloud was like having jewels in his mouth. I completely agree. I remember when we read it out loud in my freshman english class in high school, and I got to read the balcony scene with one of my friends for the whole class. So much fun! Definitely one of my favorite high school memories.

There is something so timeless and versatile about his work. You can keep putting on productions year after year and it never gets old, because there is so much you can do with it. I loved the Shakespeare shows at the U of A--the dystopian industrial Victorian Romeo & Juliet, the stripped down Titus Andronicus with RIVERS of blood and stage directions projected on a screen. Infinite possibilities!

I would so love to be a part of a Shakespeare play again. Even just preparing for Southwest Shakespeare auditions has been great. I doubt I'll get cast in anything, but at least the preparation process felt wonderful. They have a great season coming up, too, and I can't wait to see them all. Also, I'm taking a Shakespeare english class this fall. I'm nervous and excited! Those classes are tough, but I love it. HOLY HELL I JUST LOVE SHAKESPEARE! I can understand how people are intimidated by it, but I honestly don't understand how people have such hate and disdain for it. Impossible!

"Away from light steals home my heavy son
And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out,
and makes himself an artificial night."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act I, Scene 1)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Audition Frenzy

So. Tired.

May is chock full of auditions. I started tonight by auditioning for Hairspray at Desert Stages. It went...alright. I did really well with the dance portion, and did it in my three-inch LaDuca's, too! Bam! Dancing well actually surprised me, because I haven't done much dancing recently. It was a nice feeling. However, I went on to mess up my song, and I had a feeling that would happen. I was trying out "Show Off" from The Drowsy Chaperone as a test-run for Phoenix Theatre auditions, and sang a section with an odd key change against my better judgment. I did fine with it while I practiced on my own, but botched it tonight. BUT, I just started that bit over and finished well. I'm wondering if I should use a different section (even though the section I originally wanted to use has kind of a complex piano bit that I'm wary about giving to an accompanist to sight-read) or just use a different song. Hm. Live and learn. But I'm glad I messed up in a familiar environment like DST instead of at Phoenix Theatre generals. I'll find out about casting in the next couple weeks (hopefully).

In the meantime, I'm doing Southwest Shakespeare Company auditions this Friday, Phoenix Theatre auditions on the 14th, possibly doing Arizona Theatre Company auditions on the 17th, and if I don't get cast in Hairspray, I'll audition for Little Shop of Horrors at Hale on the 31st. I really miss performing, so I hope I get cast in SOMETHING. I'm really excited about the monologues I'm doing for once, all of them from shows I love. I'm using Linda's monologue from Talk Radio for Phoenix Theatre, and Juliet's sweet little monologue from Romeo & Juliet Act III Scene 2 for Southwest Shakespeare. On the off-chance that the Shakespeare guys request to see a second monologue (we have to prepare two, but the second one is only by request), I'm using the Tamora-as-Revenge one from Titus Andronicus. Yay! Now I just have to finish memorizing and working on the damn things.

I'm exhausted. Auditions tonight were lonnnng and draining. Time to crash.
"And when I shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars,
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun."
--Romeo & Juliet (Act III, Scene 2)