I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm weak.
I'm sorry I don't have my life together.
I'm sorry my apartment is messy.
I'm sorry that my refrigerator was invaded by fruit flies and is basically unusable.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleaned it out yet.
I'm sorry about the piles of dirty laundry in my room.
I'm sorry I'm still in school.
I'm sorry I'm a bad student.
I'm sorry that my job is stupid and trivial.
I'm sorry that I'm terrible with money.
I'm sorry my credit card bill is so high.
I'm sorry I'm lazy.
I'm sorry I'm perpetually late.
I'm sorry I'm not thin like her.
I'm sorry I'm a bad dancer.
I'm sorry I haven't choreographed anything in almost a year.
I'm sorry I'm too sensitive, that I take things personally and hold grudges.
I'm sorry that I get jealous.
I'm sorry that I have so much repressed rage.
I'm sorry that I get clingy and codependent sometimes.
I'm sorry that I love with my whole self.
I'm sorry I allow people to affect me so deeply.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
I'm sorry you didn't fight for me like I would have fought for you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see past these things and love me anyway.

Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Want/Don't Want

I haven't had a "normal" job in years. From 2008 to 2010, I've only been choreographing. Before that, in 2007, I graded papers for Dr. Soren at the UA (and tap-danced with him for the class. No, really.) and before that I worked the Halloween rush at the Gaslight Costume Shoppe and stayed on as long as they could afford to keep me. I also had a brief stint as a salon receptionist, but it was disastrous. Never again. My resume is idiosyncratic at best, so I haven't had much luck job-hunting so far. But I need need need a job right now. Just a "normal," steady job that doesn't pay me with stipend money.

I had a spontaneous interview at Starbucks today...I went in to drop off my resume and cover letter and thought I'd get a call later to interview, but the manager was available today. Hello! I think it went alright. I always feel like a bumbling idiot when I do interviews, but I think I may have been a little less bumbling idiot-like today. So that's good? I'll find out if I got it or not next week. Deep breaths.

I've been thinking about paradoxes. I don't even know if that's the right word to use, but I don't care. I feel like I want (and NEED) a job, but at the same time I almost don't want one...because I'm terrified. My odd job experience didn't exactly turn me into the perfect little worker, and I'm terrified of messing up and doing badly. Because with that comes the shame and guilt from doing badly that presses down on my chest until I can't breathe. I WANT a job but I DON'T want a job. Does that make sense? Is that a paradox? I don't know. I'm scared. :/

And I'm also a spoiled brat for even being able to think like this. I really hate that.

Triptych: Apprehensively Determined

I) I don't understand how my classmates at ASU make it look so easy. I know one girl who does so much that she must run on an hour of sleep per night. Another girl somehow effortlessly double-majors and still finds time to stage manage. Another girl churns out these eccentric performance pieces, one after the other, like it's nothing. How exactly to they do it? And why is it so difficult for me? Do they struggle, or is it really that doable for them? I honestly have no idea how they do it all.

II) I've hit a point where everything has to be black and white. It can either be all good or all bad--I can't take the normal ups and downs anymore. I don't have the strength or desire to swim through shades of gray. At least when it's black or white, I have some idea of how to deal with it; how to live.

III) I was listening to West Side Story yesterday, and something just clicked in my brain. It's one of those shows that I'm not sure I could choreograph well because it's SO iconic that it feels like there's not much room for originality. Maybe even more iconic than Fosse shows. Most people just re-create each number from the movie. I'm going to change all that. I'm actually seeing movement sequences in my head, and feel like I'll be able to utilize the same mindset I used during Sweet Charity: maintaining the aesthetic and integrity of the original movement, but still choreographing it in my own style. I'm going to choreograph West Side Story. I'm thinking of gathering my dancer friends together, teach them some of the sequences that I'm seeing in my head for the show (and for Hairspray, too), burn it onto a DVD and send it to Mesa Encore Theatre. This is so happening.

I'm just MAD about Dolls!

I'm on new medication that's supposed to wake me up. It basically feels like glorified caffeine, meaning that I just feel wired and jittery instead of feeling awake. And one of the side effects is increased agitation. You know, because I'm not moody enough already. Of course being exhausted all the time is horrible, but so is the polar opposite. I want nothing to do with either extreme.

I hate this. I'm tired of feeling yanked around. I'm sick of doctors appointments and side effects and having to write down every symptom since my memory is so foggy that I can barely remember anything. Hate hate hate.

Zzzzz....

I'm at the Valley Sleep Clinic waiting to get all wired up for my sleep study. I really, really, really hope they find SOMETHING. Because this is so damned frustrating. After awhile, getting so many inconclusive test results honestly makes me feel like this might all be in my head. I want whatever this is to GET OUT OF MY BODY OR KILL ME. I'm so exhausted.

Done (?)

I was just reading over some older LiveJournal entries from my first semester at the U of A. It made me realize just how much school and I aren't really working out. I think I need to be done with it for awhile, and do something else. Or just take more time off until I figure out an academic plan that I can realistically follow through with. But honestly, I think I need to give up on it for now. I adore my classmates so much, and wish I could finish this journey with them. But I can't. It's only making me miserable, and it's done nothing but make me miserable in the past. I think I'm done.

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
--The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath

Well, I'm back.

And all this hurts so much that I can't think straight.

I scribbled lots of stuff down at JFK and on the plane, so maybe I'll post it tomorrow when my brain is working again. I'm going to sleep.

Things

GOOD:

• Spent a couple hours with my family in Tucson yesterday to celebrate my Adoption Day (which is actually the 15th, but I'll be out of town). Played Scrabble and my Mom sent me back with a pumpkin pie. Om nom nom. She also got me a Disney Princess greeting card that plays "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." 'Cause I'm five years old, for real.
• Went shopping at Old Navy today because I desperately needed some new jeans. Turns out they were still having massive clearance sales, and I ended up getting a quite few pairs of jeans at deliciously low prices. Including a pair of skinny jeans! And they all look really good on me, which rarely happens. Scorrrre.
• My Dad called earlier to ask me to send him some ASU tuition statements for tax stuff. The conversation wasn't all strained and awkward and felt a little more natural. I hope things will continue to get a little better between us.
• My doctors appointment the other day went pretty well. He took a billion vials of blood to run a bunch of different tests on and ordered a sleep study, which I'll probably do in the next few weeks. Anxiously awaiting results.
• Derek is coming to visit AZ tomorrow! I haven't seen him in at least a year so I'm excited to catch up.

CRAPPY:

• I'm exhausted and scary depressed ALL. THE. TIME. I was so tired the other night that I barely remember being at Marissa's epic Harry Potter birthday party. The one thing I do remember is being so tired that I had trouble talking to people because I couldn't think of the right words to use. Later in the evening, I went into my room to check something on my laptop, dozed off, and drifted awake at like 6 AM. My life.
• My hair is ridiculous. Every time I've washed it since getting it cut, it just turns out greasy and disgusting. I try to only use a tiny bit of shampoo/conditioner, but still can't wash all of it out. Or something. It's driving me insane. I'm also pulling large clumps out of it. Awesome.

NOT SURE HOW I FEEL:

• Going to New York on Thursday to visit Steve. I feel like I really need to see him to get some closure, so I can figure out how to be friends. But I guess I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. I really just have no idea how to do this.
• School starts next week, and I don't know if I can actually handle it. I'm scared. And don't feel at all rested or refreshed from Winter Break, just more exhausted.

Am I Awake?

I've been asleep so much over the past week or so (at least?) that I've actually lost track of how much I slept. Everything is just a blur. And I'm having trouble remembering which things happened and which things were dreams. It's really freaking me out.

If My Friends Could See Me Now...

I am terrified of myself. I'm not really sure what I've devolved into, but I'm terrified of it. I feel all foggy and blocked up and confused, and scared because I can't break out of it. There is something that is keeping me asleep and behind closed doors all day, avoiding sunlight and people and anything else that I can possibly avoid. I don't think I've ever been this scared of myself. There was this person I used to be, the person dancing in that video, who was excited and passionate and on the verge of huge things. I'm not that person anymore. Or at least, that person is trapped under something heavy and can't move or fight. I used to feel everything and now I feel nothing. Except sadness and fear over the fact that I feel nothing. And that's all. That's who I am now. And I have absolutely no idea how to break out of this and fix myself. I thought I did, but it turns out that everything is so much more difficult than I ever could've imagined. Practically impossible. I don't know what to do.