Auld Lang Syne

It's New Years Eve. I'm pretty happy that 2012 is ending...it started out pretty great, but then got progressively worse until everything was an absolute mess. So a fresh start (or at least the illusion of one) is coming at just the right time.

I feel like calling new goals "resolutions" kind of jinxes them, so instead I've just compiled a rough list of some things I'd like to do in 2013, in no particular order, and definitely subject to revision. I'm also not going to kick myself if I don't get any or all done. But it's nice to have a foundation to shape my year around.

SO. In 2013, I would like to...

1. Get Healthier. Maintain my PCOS diet as laid out my my nutritionist, keep up with my medications, safely manage self-destructive habits if I can't quit them altogether, and just generally take care of myself.
2. Start going on short walks. The weather is so nice this time of year, and I think heading to Tempe Town Lake occasionally for some casual strolls would be fun.
3. Make time for reading, writing, and art. I've been doing that more recently, so this is just something I'd like to continue doing.
4. Take up fun physical activities again like yoga, swimming, and skating. And maybe even try something new like CrossFit, even though it's expensive as all hell.
5. Choreograph something. I've had a lot of ideas for solos floating around in my head.
6. Keep my apartment as clean as I can manage. Keep up on laundry and general cleaning so I don't end up with piles of stuff everywhere.
7. Do better in school. I'm tantalizingly close to being done, y'know. Hopefully the fact that I'm taking some fun classes (except for math) will give me extra motivation.
8. GRADUATE. Winter 2013. It's happening. And I will probably be drunk for an entire month afterwards!
9. Get another job, or possibly apply at a corporate Starbucks. Not that I hate my current job or anything, but I think adding another one (particularly one with benefits) might be good. Plus, if I choose to go to a corporate Starbucks, I think they can transfer me to another one when I move to a currently undetermined location after graduation.
10. Manage money better and save for future plans. I'm terrible with money and would like to change that.

Land Mine

I fucking hate you.

I hate everything you've done to me.

I wish that I could rip your guts out, tear you apart--in hopes that you might feel even an ounce of what I'm feeling.

You were a bomb that went off, a land mine I stepped on, leaving nothing behind of me but mist and flecks of viscera.

I was finally somewhat ok. And you walked in--I thought there was only more good to come. But then you tossed me aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. And that's all I am now. I'm worth nothing, I am nothing. My days are now filled with blood and vomit and tears, all attempts to feel like I'm alive. Because ever since you laid eyes on me, I've slowly faded away.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm weak.
I'm sorry I don't have my life together.
I'm sorry my apartment is messy.
I'm sorry that my refrigerator was invaded by fruit flies and is basically unusable.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleaned it out yet.
I'm sorry about the piles of dirty laundry in my room.
I'm sorry I'm still in school.
I'm sorry I'm a bad student.
I'm sorry that my job is stupid and trivial.
I'm sorry that I'm terrible with money.
I'm sorry my credit card bill is so high.
I'm sorry I'm lazy.
I'm sorry I'm perpetually late.
I'm sorry I'm not thin like her.
I'm sorry I'm a bad dancer.
I'm sorry I haven't choreographed anything in almost a year.
I'm sorry I'm too sensitive, that I take things personally and hold grudges.
I'm sorry that I get jealous.
I'm sorry that I have so much repressed rage.
I'm sorry that I get clingy and codependent sometimes.
I'm sorry that I love with my whole self.
I'm sorry I allow people to affect me so deeply.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
I'm sorry you didn't fight for me like I would have fought for you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see past these things and love me anyway.

Currently...

Watching: Rewatching Mad Men so I can catch up on the last couple of seasons. I stopped watching a couple episodes into the third season, I think. And that was awhile back, so rewatching is necessary so I can remember everything that's happened thus far. I'm almost done with the second season, which is painful to watch mostly because I fucking HATE Bobbie Barrett, and she won't go awayyyy! Plus there are other excruciating moments that are hard to watch...Mad Men always tip-toes on the line that separates it from being completely horrifying.

Listening to: The Show Your Bones album by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, lots of Regina Spektor, some Kate Nash, a little Rufus Wainwright, with bits of the Next to Normal soundtrack thrown in.

Planning: Not much, really. Winter Break is coming up, and the only thing I have planned (besides going home for Christmas) is to straighten up my apartment and do a ton of laundry.

Thinking about: How I've been so completely fucked over, it's not even funny. And I just let it all happen...I'm so easy to toss aside because I'm too nice. I can't really go into further detail, but needless to say--it feels horrible.

Reading: I just finished re-reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch, which is one of my favorite books EVER. I've re-read it once a year since I was fifteen, it's that incredible. Now I'm between books, which I hate. I've been poking around in Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, another one of my favorite books. I'm thinking of re-reading The Bell Jar or picking up where I left off in Sylvia Plath's diaries...although maybe that's not a good idea since it's all very triggering. But I'm just that masochistic, I guess.

Making me happy: Echhh, not much. :/ If I had to choose, I'd say definitely the supercute customer at work that I have a crush on (never going to happen, but a girl can dream). And my Amazon wish list for Christmas. It's full of books about dance and movement therapy and whatnot.

Obsessions, Pt II

More things I am obsessed with:

Blending juxtaposing periods/genres/styles, etc.
Torture methods
Villains
Chair dances
The sound of high heels clicking on hard floors
Possession/Exorcism
Gestures
Vintage Propaganda (especially Soviet)
Dr. Cox & Jordan from Scrubs
Synchronization
Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls
Kelly Bishop outside of Gilmore Girls
Psychosomatic pain
Snow/cold weather
Moonlight Sonata
Desert autumn
East Coast autumn
Chocolate
Minnesota winter
The Donner Party
Talent
Dancers with high arches
Hula hoops
Skip-Its
Israeli contemporary dance
Bodies
Pinup Girls
"I Saw You" personal ads
Maria Celeste (Galileo's daughter)
Bob Fosse
Busby Berkeley
Catholicism
Natalie Portman
Burlesque
Vaudeville/Riverboat Shows
Minstrel Shows
The Moon
The 1812 Overture
Music from The Nutcracker
Doctor Who
Saturn
Tension
Movie trailers
Concert conductors
Zoe Bell
Stars/stargazing
Audrey Hepburn
Rhett Butler
Andre 3000
Sign language
Scarves
Masks
Smoke/Fog
The same story told from different points of view
Philip Glass on solo piano
Georgia--especially their accents
Quentin Tarantino movies
Poets--classic, contemporary, slam
Meryl Streep
Rope
Writers
Twinkle lights
Susan Orlean's writing style
Painters
Photographers
Francesca Lia Block
Michelle Pfieffer
Little eccentricities/quirks
Katharine Hepburn
Spelling
Black
Suicide
Emily Blunt
Ingrid Magnussen from White Oleander

Obsessions, Pt I

I was looking through old journals tonight, and I found a long list of my obsessions. I read in a Natalie Goldberg book about writing that it's good to keep a list of your obsessions, as it'll serve as writing inspiration when you can't think of a topic. So I listed them like crazy. It was fun reading over the list, and I'm still obsessed with basically everything on it.

So here are some things I'm obsessed with:

Chandeliers
Anachronisms
Glass bottles
The sound of shattering glass
Masculinity
Morticia & Gomez Addams
Idiosyncratic love songs
Mirrors
Breakdowns
Fleurs de lis
Eye contact/stares
Ella Fitzgerald
Different versions of the same song
Flawless ballerinas
Hands
Shoulders
Backs
Lyrics
Quotations
Poetry
Strippers
Prostitutes
Brothels
Eyes
Tattoos
Shiva
Art deco
Gender roles
Waiting
Singers who sing with their ENTIRE BODY
Silence
Screaming
Foreign languages
Anthropology
Russia
Addiction
Sex
Color
Black & White
Dreams/Dream Interpretation
Long strands of pearls
Id, Ego, Superego
Alter-egos
Gold makeup
Black & White makeup
Falling
Umbrellas
Desert rain
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Feet (looking, NOT touching)
Breathing
Audible breath
Fear
Percussion
Musicians
Portraits
Water
Death
Grief

I'll continue with the rest of the list tomorrow. :) You should list your obsessions...it's fun! And even more fun to look back on. I feel like it reveals a lot about oneself.

Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been alternating between two of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation and The West Wing. Both are brilliant! And I think Parks and Rec is hands down the funniest show on TV right now. I need to catch up on the recent episodes.

LISTENING TO: My recent playlist includes Lady Gaga, Mumford & Sons (I neeeeed to check out their new album!), Janelle Monae, and Katy Perry. All of which sound freaking amazing in my car's sound system. I often get strange looks from my neighbors when I drive through my apartment complex, and am temporarily confused until I realize that I'm blasting my music so loud that I'm basically a discotheque on wheels.

THINKING ABOUT: Why in the hell everyone around me was on my back today. My condescending manager, bitchy customers, Facebook friends who responded to my post about having to re-take my math class for the fifth time by telling me I need to get a tutor (guess what, bitches, I DID have a tutor and STILL couldn't pass! So why don't y'all go fuck yourselves!), and even the snotty salon receptionist who bitched me out when I had to cancel my appointment. Grrr. Just one of those annoying days, I guess.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT: School things, mostly. Mehhh. I wrote my advisor kind of a desperate email and she responded by saying she'll be out of the office until Tuesday and will get to it then. Thaaaanks for nothing. I'm also trying to figure out how to muster up enough energy to work yoga back into my life.

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Things are so bleak right now that it's hard to look forward to things. But I do have various lovely adventures coming up...Movies in the Park at the Biltmore, dancing "Thriller" at my friends' wedding reception (for realsies!), hopefully going to Disneyland! I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my family for Thanksgiving, and being reunited with my best friend who lives in San Francisco but will be coming to visit for Turkey Day!

READING: Still re-reading Angels & Demons for my Religion and Pop Culture class. I first read it in high school when I was more easily charmed, and I definitely realize this time around how cheesy and overdramatic Dan Brown's writing is. But I'm enjoying it, anyway. Guilty pleasure, y'know.

MAKING ME HAPPY: This was another thing I had to scour my brain for since I'm such a Negative Nancy lately. But the things making me happiest right now are my sweet kitty, the weather slowly changing, and hanging out with wonderful people.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Currently...

Loving: My new job. It's crazy and fast-paced, which is terrifying but thrilling. And it's exactly what I signed up for. I'm also loving that autumn, my favorite season, is tantalizingly near!! I can't wait to listen to my favorite autumn music (mostly a lot of Nickel Creek), for some cooler weather, for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and for all things pumpkin (especially pumpkin ale)!

Reading: I'm still plodding along in Julie & Julia...I just haven't felt much like reading lately, so it remains unfinished. I'm hoping I'll have more recreational reading time once I get used to my crazy school and work schedule. Additionally, I'm reading some interesting books for school. I'm taking a class in Religion and Popular Culture, and the book list for that is pretty great. Next week I have to read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, which I've actually already read but it was a loooong time ago. So I get to re-read it, which I don't mind...Dan Brown books are like literary candy. Om nom nom.

Watching: Morning Glory. I know I've written about this movie on here before...I freakin love it! Other things I've been watching include 28 Days (totally underrated Sandra Bullock flick), Easy A, and Best in Show. I was also thinking a lot about The Nightmare Before Christmas yesterday, so I definitely think that's due for a re-watch. It'll get me all excited for autumn, too!

Thinking about: Unfortunately the main thing I've been thinking about is something I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Sorry! I've also been thinking a lot about how much I relate to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas in terms of feeling overlooked, as well as her ability to see beneath the surface of things yet no one listens to her intuitions. I've also been thinking about how much I relate to the character of Amelie from the movie of the same name (which just happens to be my #1 favorite movie EVERRRR), in that we both tend to lose ourselves in helping people. And we also help others often at great personal expense. Sighhh.

Surprised by: My ability to catch on to my new job. The list of duties is long and complex, but I'm doing pretty well. A lot of my co-workers have commented on how they're surprised that I just started a couple weeks ago because I'm doing so well. Yay! :)

Making me sad: I realized that yesterday would have been my sister's 36th birthday had she not passed away in 1996. August 28th always happens to be a shitty day for me, and I think it's because I always have thoughts of her lingering in the back of my mind.

Making me happy: It actually feels pretty good to dance again. I didn't dance much all summer which I was kicking myself for, but I realize now that it was probably a good idea to step away from movement for a little while. Last semester, I was starting to hate dance. It just felt painful and bad to move in my modern and ballet classes, and that was very straining both physically and emotionally. But the time away must have done me some good, because I've been feeling pretty great in my modern class so far. I think a lot of that has to do with my amazing teacher, though! She rocks and her pedagogy just works really well with my body.

On Being Half-Way Through My Twenties...

I'm kind of having a meltdown over here.

My 25th birthday is on Monday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My Mom asked me the other day what was on my birthday list this year, and I honestly had no idea what I wanted. Except for one thing: the only thing I really want is to NOT be turning 25.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and therefore just feel like an epic failure. I'm STILL not done with school; I'm eight years into my fucking bachelor's degree and am actually older than most of the grad students. I don't have a job. I've applied everywhere, and no one, not even McDonald's, will call me back. I have absolutely zero financial independence. My parents pay all my bills, including a sky-high Visa bill which, no matter how hard I try, just will not go down. They just bought me a new car. I can't think of anyone more UNdeserving of a new car than me. I have no idea how to handle money. I don't know how to cook and can't keep my apartment clean. While friend after friend gets married, I remain single. I've put on like 20 pounds in the past year and can't lose it. I've crossed the threshold into being too fat to dance, because every time I do, it just hurts. I almost feel like I hate dancing now. I haven't choreographed a musical in two years and, despite the hiatus, still feel choreographically tapped out. This is unfortunate because I planned on making this my career, and have absolutely no idea what I would do instead. I've done absolutely nothing with my life, and I have no idea where I'm going anymore.

Cheers.

Countdown

So, a few weeks ago, I emailed Phoenix Theatre's production manager inquiring about choreographing for them next season. I initially got a response saying that no positions were available, but they will definitely keep my information on file. Not too shabby, especially considering I never expected to get a response!

THEN.

I got another response. It said that the Artistic Director, Michael Barnard, wants to meet with me!! What?! They said that while they are still unsure about positions available for next season, Michael Barnard likes to know who is out there for future reference. So of COURSE I responded back saying I was interested, and we have a meeting set for this upcoming Friday at 10:30 AM. I can't believe it! I'm so excited, and so nervous as well!

Additionally, I am auditioning for Phoenix Theatre this week, the day after my meeting with Michael Barnard. Hopefully meeting with him will make me less nervous? I hope so. I'm planning on singing "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me and "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, then doing a monologue from Talk Radio. I almost have the monologue memorized, and need to go through my songs a few more times. Then prep all my audition materials--resume, headshot, music, etc. I also need to prepare a press packet to bring to my meeting with Michael Barnard.

AHH! Things are happening! Even if there aren't any choreography jobs available and/or I don't get cast in anything, at least I'm getting my foot in the door there. Not bad!

Currently...

Reading: Catching Fire, aka the second Hunger Games book. Loving it! Shit's getting cuh-razy! These books are totally creepy, which I love. And they're pretty quick reads, which I love even more. I'm also plodding along in Naked by David Sedaris. I'm so looking forward to school ending so I can have more time to just curl up and read.

Watching: I haven't been able to watch Doctor Who ever since my trip to New York in January 2011 (long story), but I sucked it up and rewatched the pilot just now. Oddly satisfying. Watching mannequins come to life and kill people makes me think of my friend Christian, who is terrified of mannequins and therefore could never watch this show! I've also been watching Parks and Recreation. Hands down the funniest show on television.

Working on: Getting through the last few days of school. This is seriously the slowest week of my life! I just want this semester to be OVER so I can have some time to myself, and actually have time to find a job. I've been applying everywhere--Jamba Juice, Olive Garden, Apple, Starbucks, Whole Foods, Wildflower and more--but haven't heard back. :/ But once school is out, I'll have time to be more vigilant about getting hired.

Thinking about: How much better I'll feel once school is out! Sorry to sound like a broken record, I'm just SO ready for the semester to be over.

Anticipating: The tasty pizza I just ordered from Mellow Mushroom. Their crust is to die for.

Listening to: The playlist I made for the Undergrad Show, particularly "Start Wearing Purple" by Gogol Bordello. I really want to choreograph a silly piece to that song.

Eating: Super crappy food. Yet another reason why I'm looking forward to the semester being over is that I'll have the time and energy to clean out my currently disgusting fridge and refill it with good, whole foods.

Wishing: That I pass all my classes. My attendance this semester has been atrocious. I blame not getting a long enough winter break! But I'm doing lots of extra credit work, so hopefully I'll get passing grades.

Gold Lamé Dresses and Breakdancing Beam Routines

I want to be just like the lead dancer from this number:


And live my life like Wei Wei's beam routine from Stick It:


...That's all.

ASU Undergrad Concert: Pre-Show/Intermission Playlist

One of my duties as Artistic Director for the Undergrad Show is to put together music for pre-show/intermission. This was one of my favorite parts of the job, as I LOVE LOVE LOVE putting together playlists!! The Undergrad Show is full of quirky, diverse works, so I decided to model the playlist after that, building it around a fabulous cover of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" by Anya Marina. I peppered some other quirky cover songs in there as well. I think it turned out pretty great!

1. Duncan Sheik--"There Once Was A Pirate"
2. Magnet--"The Gospel Song"
3. Blind Uncle Gaspard--"Assi Dans La Fenetre De Ma Chambre"
4. Gogol Bordello--"Start Wearing Purple"
5. Anya Marina--"Whatever You Like"
6. Amy Winehouse--"Back to Black"
7. Yael Naim--"Toxic"
8. Sparks--"Suburban Homeboy"
9. Kate Nash--"Mouthwash"
10. The Bird and the Bee--"My Love"
11. Alanis Morrissette--"Citizen of the Planet"
12. The Rolling Stones--"Laugh, I Nearly Died"
13. Taken By Trees--"Sweet Child O' Mine"
14. The Andrews Sisters--"Bei Mir Bist Du Shoen"
15. The Roaring Girl Cabaret--"Passion Play" (I could not find this on YouTube, unfortunately, so it is not on the playlist below.)
16. Florence + the Machine--"Dog Days Are Over"
17. Amy Winehouse--"Someone to Watch Over Me"
18. Leonard Nimoy--"Highly Illogical"
19. The Puppini Sisters--"Walk Like An Egyptian"
20. The Dresden Dolls--"Coin Operated Boy"
21. Helen Kane--"I Wanna Be Loved By You"
22. Ani Difranco--"Here For Now"
23. April March--"Chick Habit"
24. Rufus Wainwright--"Between My Legs"
25. Yeah Yeah Yeahs--"Gold Lion (Live Acoustic)"
26. Lenka--"Trouble is a Friend"
27. Jessie J--"Sexy Silk"
28. Crooked Still--"Ain't No Grave"
29. Massive Attack--"Teardrop"
30. Kanye West--"Street Lights"
31. The Velvet Underground--"I'm Sticking With You"
32. Britney Spears--"Piece of Me"
33. The Pierces--"Secret"
34. The Roaring Girl Cabaret--"L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle" (I could not find this on YouTube, unfortunately, so it is not on the playlist below.)
35. M.I.A.--"Paper Planes"
36. Metric--"Black Sheep"
37. Eileen--"Ces Bottes Sont Faites Pour Marcher"
38. The Dresden Dolls--"Mandy Goes to Med School"

A Rufus Kind of Week

Rufus Wainwright has been my music of choice this week. Can't get enough.

Barely There

I'm...in kind of a weird place right now. I'm really just sick of myself. Like, can't stand the sight of me let alone allow others to look at me. I stayed home from school on Wednesday because I just couldn't stomach the thought of people watching me struggle. I literally couldn't leave the house.

I don't feel like a dancer anymore. Dancing hurts. Everything hurts. And I hate it. My hormones are all out of whack, which has made me put on exorbitant amounts of weight. And it makes it very difficult to lose weight as well. I'm at the point where I'm officially too fat to dance. I look fucking ridiculous in class, huffing and puffing, pretending like I belong there. I don't. Feeling like this makes me not want to dance anymore. All my issues with my feet and joints...I'm acting like it's some medical mystery as to why I'm in pain. It's because I'm fat. I need to lose weight, but I can't. I'm dancing five fucking times a week and still embarrassingly overweight...I can't take it anymore. I wish I could give up.

The worst part about this is that I'm barely there in class. I give like 10% at any given time, even in Modern where I'm more comfortable. In ballet, it's more like 5%. I'm not even trying. I have no desire to try because even the little movement that does feel good looks awful when I see it in the mirror. And don't tell me otherwise, because you're lying. The music sounds like it's mocking me, too. Drum beats and piano chords that were once comforting are just oppressive now.

Everything hurts, everything looks horrible. I'm sick of it. I need the semester to be over.

May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

Here are my thoughts on The Hunger Games movie adaptation! Finishing the book and seeing the movie was the perfect end to an already perfect Spring Break.

CONTAINS SPOILERS! You have been warned.

Excited Sobs

I met Bill T. Jones today. We spoke very briefly; I thanked him for his work on Spring Awakening and told him that it completely changed the way I think about musical theater choreography. Then proceeded to cry all the way to my car. There's just something about that man!

I felt like Kristen Bell meeting a sloth...

Tweet Tweet Tweet!

I'll be live Tweeting all through the Oscars tonight. Follow along! I banter with the best of 'em if I do say so myself. @unadevotchka!

See Ya

Quick update: The Transition Projects concert went fantastically! And I am now artistic director for the Spring Undergrad Concert at ASU, which is terrifying but fun! More on those things later?

What I really want to talk about is New York.

We've shifted focus in my Transition Projects class from the concert to future plans. New York has come up multiple times. I hear how hard it is to live there, how expensive and exhausting it is, how some ASU Dance alumni live there but don't dance (they just work). My teacher called moving there "a slap in the face." And so on.

Honestly? It scares the hell out of me.

But it invigorates me, too! Which kind of took me by surprise because I'm so easily scared of everything. But every time I hear about how hard it is to live there, I just want to move there EVEN MORE. I don't know...I just have a feeling that I can handle it. Oh, it'll be the hardest thing I'll ever do and I foresee many homesick nights when things get rough, but I know I can handle it. I'll be okay. I'll find a job, I'll go on auditions to meet people, I'll take class, and I will work my ass off to get choreography jobs here and there.

I'm going to make it, I know it. :)

Transitioning?

In four days, DUCK & COVER will be performed (along with many other awesome pieces) in the Transition Projects concert at ASU. This all feels so surreal. I can't believe it's finally time for this to happen...I've watched the seniors before do it, and now it's my turn. It's been such a crazy experience--thrilling, frustrating, scary, amazing. And even though I will have a year left after this semester--the result of being on medical withdrawal for two semesters--I still feel like this concert marks the end of something. Next year, all my classmates will be gone. I can't even tell you how weird it will be without them around. I love them all so much; they are the reason I didn't just drop out of school when I got sick. I'm so happy to have gone on this ASU journey with them. Words can't describe how much I'll miss them! I'm glad Facebook is around so I can keep up with their future endeavors (I hope that doesn't sound creepy; I'm just genuinely interested in what everyone is up to!) And I'm glad that I was able to get back into school so I could experience Transition Projects with my class. It wouldn't have been the same with anyone else. (And luckily, the incoming senior class is a fun bunch so I'll still have some awesome people around.) If you are free this weekend, I highly recommend coming to see this fantastic show! It's February 10th at 5:30 PM, February 11th at 7:30 PM and February 12th at 2:00 PM.

And Never Brought to Mind

Happy New Year! I'm happy that 2011 has ended. The first half was the worst few months of my life. I spent most of it asleep, and the rest daydreaming about dying. Then the rest of the year was spent trying to repair the damage. So needless to say, it was a rough year, and I'm ready for a fresh start. I spent New Year's on the marina in Sarasota, FL watching fireworks and sipping champagne with Kay and her roommate. Earlier, I watched a Rat Pack revue show and then saw Next to Normal for the second time, all at the fabulous Florida Studio Theatre. Not a bad way to ring in the New Year. I'm looking forward to the future.