Auld Lang Syne

It's New Years Eve. I'm pretty happy that 2012 is ending...it started out pretty great, but then got progressively worse until everything was an absolute mess. So a fresh start (or at least the illusion of one) is coming at just the right time.

I feel like calling new goals "resolutions" kind of jinxes them, so instead I've just compiled a rough list of some things I'd like to do in 2013, in no particular order, and definitely subject to revision. I'm also not going to kick myself if I don't get any or all done. But it's nice to have a foundation to shape my year around.

SO. In 2013, I would like to...

1. Get Healthier. Maintain my PCOS diet as laid out my my nutritionist, keep up with my medications, safely manage self-destructive habits if I can't quit them altogether, and just generally take care of myself.
2. Start going on short walks. The weather is so nice this time of year, and I think heading to Tempe Town Lake occasionally for some casual strolls would be fun.
3. Make time for reading, writing, and art. I've been doing that more recently, so this is just something I'd like to continue doing.
4. Take up fun physical activities again like yoga, swimming, and skating. And maybe even try something new like CrossFit, even though it's expensive as all hell.
5. Choreograph something. I've had a lot of ideas for solos floating around in my head.
6. Keep my apartment as clean as I can manage. Keep up on laundry and general cleaning so I don't end up with piles of stuff everywhere.
7. Do better in school. I'm tantalizingly close to being done, y'know. Hopefully the fact that I'm taking some fun classes (except for math) will give me extra motivation.
8. GRADUATE. Winter 2013. It's happening. And I will probably be drunk for an entire month afterwards!
9. Get another job, or possibly apply at a corporate Starbucks. Not that I hate my current job or anything, but I think adding another one (particularly one with benefits) might be good. Plus, if I choose to go to a corporate Starbucks, I think they can transfer me to another one when I move to a currently undetermined location after graduation.
10. Manage money better and save for future plans. I'm terrible with money and would like to change that.

Land Mine

I fucking hate you.

I hate everything you've done to me.

I wish that I could rip your guts out, tear you apart--in hopes that you might feel even an ounce of what I'm feeling.

You were a bomb that went off, a land mine I stepped on, leaving nothing behind of me but mist and flecks of viscera.

I was finally somewhat ok. And you walked in--I thought there was only more good to come. But then you tossed me aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. And that's all I am now. I'm worth nothing, I am nothing. My days are now filled with blood and vomit and tears, all attempts to feel like I'm alive. Because ever since you laid eyes on me, I've slowly faded away.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I'm weak.
I'm sorry I don't have my life together.
I'm sorry my apartment is messy.
I'm sorry that my refrigerator was invaded by fruit flies and is basically unusable.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleaned it out yet.
I'm sorry about the piles of dirty laundry in my room.
I'm sorry I'm still in school.
I'm sorry I'm a bad student.
I'm sorry that my job is stupid and trivial.
I'm sorry that I'm terrible with money.
I'm sorry my credit card bill is so high.
I'm sorry I'm lazy.
I'm sorry I'm perpetually late.
I'm sorry I'm not thin like her.
I'm sorry I'm a bad dancer.
I'm sorry I haven't choreographed anything in almost a year.
I'm sorry I'm too sensitive, that I take things personally and hold grudges.
I'm sorry that I get jealous.
I'm sorry that I have so much repressed rage.
I'm sorry that I get clingy and codependent sometimes.
I'm sorry that I love with my whole self.
I'm sorry I allow people to affect me so deeply.

I'm sorry I'm not what you want.
I'm sorry you didn't fight for me like I would have fought for you.
And I'm sorry you couldn't see past these things and love me anyway.

Currently...

Watching: Rewatching Mad Men so I can catch up on the last couple of seasons. I stopped watching a couple episodes into the third season, I think. And that was awhile back, so rewatching is necessary so I can remember everything that's happened thus far. I'm almost done with the second season, which is painful to watch mostly because I fucking HATE Bobbie Barrett, and she won't go awayyyy! Plus there are other excruciating moments that are hard to watch...Mad Men always tip-toes on the line that separates it from being completely horrifying.

Listening to: The Show Your Bones album by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, lots of Regina Spektor, some Kate Nash, a little Rufus Wainwright, with bits of the Next to Normal soundtrack thrown in.

Planning: Not much, really. Winter Break is coming up, and the only thing I have planned (besides going home for Christmas) is to straighten up my apartment and do a ton of laundry.

Thinking about: How I've been so completely fucked over, it's not even funny. And I just let it all happen...I'm so easy to toss aside because I'm too nice. I can't really go into further detail, but needless to say--it feels horrible.

Reading: I just finished re-reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch, which is one of my favorite books EVER. I've re-read it once a year since I was fifteen, it's that incredible. Now I'm between books, which I hate. I've been poking around in Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, another one of my favorite books. I'm thinking of re-reading The Bell Jar or picking up where I left off in Sylvia Plath's diaries...although maybe that's not a good idea since it's all very triggering. But I'm just that masochistic, I guess.

Making me happy: Echhh, not much. :/ If I had to choose, I'd say definitely the supercute customer at work that I have a crush on (never going to happen, but a girl can dream). And my Amazon wish list for Christmas. It's full of books about dance and movement therapy and whatnot.