Sad and Happy.

(I actually wrote this earrrly this morning--Steve's flight was at 7:00 AM--but I didn't really have the energy to post it anywhere but my LiveJournal.)

I just dropped Steve off at the airport...

And after all the hell I put myself through trying to wrap my mind around the idea of breaking up, we actually decided to stay together and try the long distance thing. I honestly have no idea where things will go, particularly because I don't have plans to move anytime soon (nor am I sure I'll ultimately end up in NYC; I'm interested in a few other cities). But breaking up just didn't feel right at all. We both felt like this isn't the end. And even though it's going to be difficult and neither of us really know how to do this, we want to be together and in each others lives.

But at the same time, I feel this huge void. We're still together, but he's not here. That really knocked the wind out of me when I was walking back to my car after seeing him off. He's not here. Things are different. And that void feels so huge that I want nothing more than to jump on a plane to New York immediately just to have a movie night over Pacificos with lime, fall asleep next to him, and go to brunch in the morning. I'm not sure how to deal with this, and it's going to be a huge adjustment. I'm lucky to have a Dad with billions of frequent flyer miles and a brother-in-law who works for an airline; meaning that visits won't be too difficult or expensive to arrange.

Basically, I can't believe he isn't here. But I am so happy that we're still together, and I love the feeling that I can still call him and tell him about my day.

I don't know if you've ever felt both happy and devastated at the same time...but it's very strange. I have no idea which way is up right now, but I know that I'm just following my intuition and entering a new chapter of my life and our relationship.

Yesterday in Music

Yesterday was a fun music day. Here's some of the stuff I was listening to...

I started with Jane Monheit, badass jazz babe. I had to wake up super early (5:45 AM) to take Steve to work. (Long story.) I was mildly hungover from 4th of July festivities, so I chose Jane Monheit because she's nice and mellow and gorgeous and didn't hurt my pounding head:

Started with Over the Rainbow, Then Waters of March, per Steve's request. It's his favorite Jane song. I ended the drive with Hit the Road to Dreamland.

Halfway through Over the Rainbow, my headache started easing up. Jane Monheit cured my hangover. This is one of many reasons why I love her.

Later on, I had a doctors appointment. I always get nervous when I have to go to the doctor, so I needed something peppy to cheer me up. Clearly, I needed Janelle Monae:

Her adorable tiny fierceness helped me be less nervous. :)

I decided to reward myself for going to the doctor by going shopping. Janelle Monae got me in a sassy mood, so I switched over to Lady Gaga:

Started with Teeth! Ohh I do love this song. "Take a bite of my baaaad girl meat!" Then listened to Bad Romance since I hadn't listened to it in awhile. I belted Poker Face on the 101 driving home. I used to really hate this song, but now it's a guilty pleasure. And a perfect for the freeway. I listened to part of Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) in my driveway while I was trying to figure out my surprisingly confusing shade thing for my windshield. Normally I skip over this song, but I rediscovered it today.


And that's about it. I love fun music days!

I actually fell asleep at like 8 or 9 PM last night, because I'd gotten up early. CRAZY. It's nice having a reason to get up early, but I'm predicting this will only last for a few days before I'll be back to my vampire schedule. Eh.

Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

I've slept most of this week. I just haven't felt like staying awake...Or, it's more like I can't drum up the energy to stay awake. And I would definitely love to stay awake, seeing as 99% of my dreams are vividly unsettling or full-blown nightmares (like the one I had last night where Aaron Echolls was chasing me. Unnnnsettling. Most likely brought on from re-watching season one of Veronica Mars with Steve, who had never seen it. Aaron Echolls is a scary man.) Anyway. The point is, I'm sleeping too much. And am kind of trapped in a vicious sleep circle--the more I sleep, the more weak/exhausted I feel; yet I don't have enough energy or motivation to fight through it and wake up. It's annoying.
So I'm up in the middle of the night right now, doing one of my favorite insomniac activities: reading The Pioneer Woman. Of course, I really don't cook. I have sparse cooking skills and my impatience with it overwhelms my desire to get better at it. But I inexplicably love reading food blogs like Pioneer Woman. I think in the back of my mind I know I'll eventually start cooking a little more in the future and probably still won't be that great at it, but will be better than I am now. Anyway. I'm reading her recipe for Decadent Chocolate Milk right now, but had to stop temporarily when I got to the part where she mentions semi-sweet chocolate. Because it triggered a series of totally random childhood memories.

When I wasn't at home, I spent the majority of my childhood hanging out with my oldest friends, Justine and Lanie. I met them when I randomly walked out of my house at age three or so, and toddled over to their house out of all the houses in our neighborhood. I remember I was wearing my white Mary Jane shoes that had the little hole punch pattern on the toe. Remember those kinds of shoes? I wandered over to their house, knocked on the door, and met their Mama (her name is June) and met Justine. Little Lanie was asleep in her crib, so we all had to whisper and tip-toe. June called my Mama who was frantic with worry by then, and I was returned to my house. That was pretty much the catalyst for a lifelong friendship, as I continued to stay friends with Justine and Lanie while my Mama continued to stay friends with their Mama.

Some of the most vivid memories I have of summer afternoons spent at their house revolve around food. We ate a lot of random things. June would make us "Dunkers," soft-boiled eggs which we ate with strips of toast. Or we would take out the tub of Nutella, and dip spoonfuls of it into Rice Krispies before eating it. I remember dreading when June would make us PB&J, because she made it with refrigerated bread, which I've always hated the taste of (and still hate to this day). But I never liked to complain when I was a guest in someone's house, so I ate it anyway. In terms of more decadent, ridiculous snacks, I remember Justine loved eating sweetened condensed milk right out of the can. I never really liked that. But we all loved the gluttonous joy of eating entire cans of cherry pie filling with a spoon! We usually had to do it secretly, because ohhh how our Moms hated that! A few years later, their stepdad John, who is from Brazil, would cook Brazilian meals for us. There is nothing more orgasmic than Brazilian steak, or that really delicious rice with the powdery stuff on top (I forgot the name). June's best friend, Mary Beth, who Justine and Lanie referred to as "Auntie," was the proprietor and cake chef at Maribelle Cakery. We loved visiting the kitchen and stealing spoonfuls of frosting, or sampling her latest recipe. Whenever Justine and Lanie had a birthday, we always had a deliciously outrageous cake from Maribelle to eat.

Oddly enough, one of my favorite snacks was the most simple: semi-sweet chocolate chips. We'd pour them into the dainty little glasses that June usually used for Dunkers. But Justine, Lanie and I would use them for eating cupfuls of semi-sweet chocolate chips while watching TV shows after school or during the summer. Every time I eat a semi-sweet chocolate chip, I definitely taste those childhood afternoons. And remember all the other random and delicious food we ate growing up. I just bought a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips from the grocery store for exactly this reason. All I need are some soft-boiled egg glasses to eat them out of.

Thought for the Day:

"Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."

A girl I vaguely knew in high school but am now Facebook friends with had this as her status today. I think it may be my new philosophy on life, at least career-wise. It's interesting how some of my former-acquaintances-turned-Facebook-friends have some of the best status updates.

Productive Insomnia.

My sleep schedule is once again messed up. Today was yet another attempt to stabilize it, and in doing so, happened to have an obscenely productive day. (In my opinion, anyway.) Once in a Blue Moon, I get bursts of GET-THIS-SHIT-DONE motivation, so I try my best to take advantage of them when they seldom appear. I did so much stuff today that I decided to document it in photos! Also, forgive any slap-happy writing ahead. I am, as you can tell, on no sleep.

 
At around 7:00 AM, I started my day by hanging some posters. The Amelie has been up for awhile, but the other posters went up today. The walls are still a work-in-progress, as I have many more things I plan to hang. But I got a great start. Can you spot Kaylene's face in there?


Then, I sat down and completed the task that has evaded me for at least a year: I finished Steve's mixes. I've been gathering songs since we started dating, and the list grew so overwhelming that I basically scrapped most of the original playlists and just went to town. And finally finished the damn things! Even though these songs were definitely custom picked for Steve, they do definitely sum up my music taste pretty well. There are definitely some songs I forgot to add, but I could always burn him another CD before he leaves.

DISC ONE:
1) Dntel--"Rock My Boat"
2) Ingrid Michaelson--"Creep" (Radiohead cover...with her and her ukulele!)
3) Amanda Palmer--"Oasis"
4) Rosemary Clooney--"Botch-A-Me"
5) Scissor Sisters--"I Can't Decide"
6) Nelly Furtado--"Hey Man!"
7) David Byrne w/ Rufus Wainwright--"Au Fond Du Temple Saint"
8) The Decemberists--"A Record Year For Rainfall"
9) Regina Spektor--"Blue Lips (Live)"
10) Madeleine Peyroux--"Between the Bars" (Elliot Smith cover)
11) Christina Aguilera--"Mercy On Me"
12) Ani Difranco--"Shameless"
13) Kate Nash--"Mariella"
14) The Decemberists--"A Cautionary Song"
15) Yann Tiersen--"Rue des Cascades"
16) Ingrid Michaelson--"The Chain"
17) The Bird & The Bee--"My Love"
18) Taken By Trees--"Sweet Child O' Mine" (Guns 'N' Roses cover)
19) Regina Spektor--"On the Radio"
20) Rosemary Clooney--"In the Cool, Cool, Cool of the Evening" (That is the ultimate summer song, by the way.)

DISC TWO:
1) Jace Everett--"Bad Things"
2) Kiki & Herb--"No Children/Rainbow Connection" (I smooshed these songs together on Garage Band since they're both awesome.)
3) Ella Fitzgerald--"Airmail Special"
4) Roisin Murphy--"Night of the Dancing Flame"
5) Yael Naim--"New Soul"
6) Amy Winehouse--"Back to Black"
7) Fiona Apple--"Extraordinary Machine"
8) Exit 245--"Fix You" (Coldplay cover and Collegiate a cappella JACKPOT...Don't tell Coldplay, but I think I like this version better!)
9) Tori Amos--"Bells For Her"
10) Alison Krauss & Robert Plant--"Sister Rosetta Goes Before Us" (Sam Phillips cover)
11) The Decemberists--"Won't Want For Love"
12) Cyndi Lauper--"You've Really Got A Hold On Me"
13) David Byrne--"Glass, Concrete & Stone"
14) Adele--"Right As Rain"
15) Indigo Girls--"Ozilline"
16) Margaret Whiting--"Time After Time"

DISC THREE:
1) The Chieftains & Nickel Creek--"The Raggle Taggle Gypsy"
2) Pink Martini--"Do Svedanya, Mio Bambino"
3) Lulu--"Stealing My Love From Me"
4) April March--"Chick Habit"
5) Ani Difranco--"Here For Now"
6) Lady Gaga--"Speechless"
7) Rolling Stones--"Laugh, I Nearly Died"
8) Nickel Creek--"The Lighthouse's Tale"
9) Alexi Murdoch--"Orange Sky"
10) Inara George--"Mistress"
11) Neutral Milk Hotel--"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea"
12) The Cinematic Orchestra--"To Build A Home"
13) Martha Wainwright--"Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole" (No bitter why-do-you-have-to-move subtext here, trust me! It's just one of my all-time favorite songs.)
14) Lisbeth Scott--"Take Me Home"
15) Jason Mraz--"After An Afternoon"
16) The Decemberists--"Sons & Daughters"
17) Van Morrison--"Sweet Thing" (This is our song.)
18) Kiki & Herb--"Running Up That Hill"

Now I don't mess around when I make people mixes. That's one of the reasons it took me so long to get this done; because I am not only meticulous about the mix itself, but also about the track list. I typically use funky postcards (I used the Photobooth series for these), and cover the front with lyrics. I love the Photobooth postcards because I get to draw in thought/dialogue bubbles around the lyrics for an extra silly touch. I also give a bit of commentary on each song. It's a long process, but it's how I like to do it.


The complete track list set. The actual tracks and commentary are all on the back.


Disc One track list. Lyrics: "Botch-A-Me" by Rosemary Clooney.


Disc One (continued) track list. Lyrics: "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor (this is probably my favorite stanza of all time.)


Disc Two track list. Lyrics: "Bad Things" by Jace Everett.


Disc Two (continued) & Disc Three track list. Lyrics: "Laugh, I Nearly Died" by the Rolling Stones.


Disc Three (continued) track list. Lyrics: "Running Up That Hill," originally by Kate Bush but covered on the mix by Kiki & Herb.


I also burned him a bunch of other music I've been meaning to give him: Adele's 19, Amanda Palmer's Who Killed Amanda Palmer? + the free track she recently released, Kiki & Herb's Will Die For You: Live from Carnegie Hall, Evelyn Evelyn's Evelyn Evelyn, Rufus Wainwright's All Days Are Nights: Songs For Lulu, A mix of my favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs songs, and a mix of my favorite Dresden Dolls songs. I also made track lists on index cards; since they weren't custom made mixes, the track lists were simple and without any extra commentary.


There's the full stack of CDs, including the track list set for the mix. WHEW.


Then I went out to Target and Michael's to get supplies for my next project: a ridiculously fabulous idea for organizing earrings that I saw in Real Simple magazine (which I am currently obsessed with). They had an article with DIY organization projects according to whether you're a Right Brain or Left Brain person. I am most definitely Right Brained, and this nifty earring project is the perfect solution to the pile of sad, tangled earrings in my bathroom. I cut out an 11x14 piece of foam core, covered it in Disney Princess wrapping paper, and put it into a blank frame from Michael's (one with no glass or back to it; just the frame). I'm attaching it to my bathroom wall with velcro, so I'm giving the adhesive 24 hours to fully bond before I hang the frame and attach my earrings with dressmaker pins. I love the way it turned out! And it was so easy, too.


Then I packed up Derek's late birthday present (The Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide: Man Skills) and got it ready to ship to Seattle.

 
I also started an Audition binder, where I can keep all my sheet music, copies of my headshot/resume, and articles on auditioning that I've saved over the years.


Then I repaired one of my fleur de lis bookends that Derek got me for Christmas. A piece had fallen off, so I reattached it with Krazy Glue. Good as new!

Annnnd now I'm here, writing and uploading photos. I have so many more fun projects that I want to do (I started a list), so I'm hoping my sleep schedule can stabilize and bursts of motivation keep coming so I can have more days like this. I've been so preoccupied with everything that haven't even eaten anything today (except for drinking 3 Red Bulls to keep me awake). So I'm going to go grab some food, see what Steve is up to, and crash early. Whaaat a day.

Take Care, Now.

"Take care, now."