I'm...in kind of a weird place right now. I'm really just sick of myself. Like, can't stand the sight of me let alone allow others to look at me. I stayed home from school on Wednesday because I just couldn't stomach the thought of people watching me struggle. I literally couldn't leave the house.
I don't feel like a dancer anymore. Dancing hurts. Everything hurts. And I hate it. My hormones are all out of whack, which has made me put on exorbitant amounts of weight. And it makes it very difficult to lose weight as well. I'm at the point where I'm officially too fat to dance. I look fucking ridiculous in class, huffing and puffing, pretending like I belong there. I don't. Feeling like this makes me not want to dance anymore. All my issues with my feet and joints...I'm acting like it's some medical mystery as to why I'm in pain. It's because I'm fat. I need to lose weight, but I can't. I'm dancing five fucking times a week and still embarrassingly overweight...I can't take it anymore. I wish I could give up.
The worst part about this is that I'm barely there in class. I give like 10% at any given time, even in Modern where I'm more comfortable. In ballet, it's more like 5%. I'm not even trying. I have no desire to try because even the little movement that does feel good looks awful when I see it in the mirror. And don't tell me otherwise, because you're lying. The music sounds like it's mocking me, too. Drum beats and piano chords that were once comforting are just oppressive now.
Everything hurts, everything looks horrible. I'm sick of it. I need the semester to be over.