Something, Somewhere

I really thought I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be in a couple of years. I wanted to graduate obviously, then stick around for a year or two to work, build my resume, and save money. Then I was going to pack up all my stuff and my cat, and move to New York City where I would choreograph musicals...and win awards...and get drunk with Susan Stroman on a regular basis. (Okay, I'm exaggerating. But not about the choreographing musicals part.) The fact that living in New York City is ridiculously difficult only made me want it more. I was all set with a basic pathway.

Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I'm wondering if I really will end up in New York. Recently, my mind has drifted off to wondering about going abroad instead. To London, Edinburgh, or Dublin. (Probably London or Edinburgh if anything, since I have basic knowledge of the arts scene there...whereas I don't know much about the scene in Dublin. I just know that I LOVE IRELAND.)

But there are problems with moving abroad. For one thing, I can't really fathom the logistics of an international, transatlantic move. I was having enough trouble figuring out how I was going to move across the country, let alone how to move to a completely different continent. I emailed an acquaintance of mine who recently moved to London and asked her to share her experience moving abroad. Based on her reply, I realized that I'd have to sell or give away basically everything I own and start over. Figure out visas and insurance and bank accounts and cell phone plans. And I have absolutely no idea how my kitty would fare on a long flight to Europe. But that will definitely be figured out, because there's no way I'm not taking him with me.

The fact that I'm honestly not sure if I even want to choreograph musicals anymore or if I'm cut out for it also complicates things significantly. But that's a whole other topic, I guess.

Not knowing where I'm going is causing me so much anxiety. While my future plans have definitely evolved over the years--I've cycled through wanting to own a dance company, to travel and study dance around the world, to be a freelance contemporary choreographer, to choreograph musicals--I've always had a basic idea of where I would go. This is probably the first time in many years that I have absolutely NO plans, and no idea what the future holds. I really, really hate that.

But at least Rory Gilmore felt the same way.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been alternating between two of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation and The West Wing. Both are brilliant! And I think Parks and Rec is hands down the funniest show on TV right now. I need to catch up on the recent episodes.

LISTENING TO: My recent playlist includes Lady Gaga, Mumford & Sons (I neeeeed to check out their new album!), Janelle Monae, and Katy Perry. All of which sound freaking amazing in my car's sound system. I often get strange looks from my neighbors when I drive through my apartment complex, and am temporarily confused until I realize that I'm blasting my music so loud that I'm basically a discotheque on wheels.

THINKING ABOUT: Why in the hell everyone around me was on my back today. My condescending manager, bitchy customers, Facebook friends who responded to my post about having to re-take my math class for the fifth time by telling me I need to get a tutor (guess what, bitches, I DID have a tutor and STILL couldn't pass! So why don't y'all go fuck yourselves!), and even the snotty salon receptionist who bitched me out when I had to cancel my appointment. Grrr. Just one of those annoying days, I guess.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT: School things, mostly. Mehhh. I wrote my advisor kind of a desperate email and she responded by saying she'll be out of the office until Tuesday and will get to it then. Thaaaanks for nothing. I'm also trying to figure out how to muster up enough energy to work yoga back into my life.

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Things are so bleak right now that it's hard to look forward to things. But I do have various lovely adventures coming up...Movies in the Park at the Biltmore, dancing "Thriller" at my friends' wedding reception (for realsies!), hopefully going to Disneyland! I'm also looking forward to hanging out with my family for Thanksgiving, and being reunited with my best friend who lives in San Francisco but will be coming to visit for Turkey Day!

READING: Still re-reading Angels & Demons for my Religion and Pop Culture class. I first read it in high school when I was more easily charmed, and I definitely realize this time around how cheesy and overdramatic Dan Brown's writing is. But I'm enjoying it, anyway. Guilty pleasure, y'know.

MAKING ME HAPPY: This was another thing I had to scour my brain for since I'm such a Negative Nancy lately. But the things making me happiest right now are my sweet kitty, the weather slowly changing, and hanging out with wonderful people.

Feels Like Never

This semester marks the beginning of my seventh year of college.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's my experience thus far:

I began at the University of Arizona in 2005. I had average grades in high school, so I didn't really think to apply to any other schools because I figured I wouldn't get in. I also had zero faith in my dance/choreographic abilities at the time, so I chose not to apply to dance programs, either. So I went to the U of A and declared myself an anthropology major. It took me three years there to come to the conclusion that it wasn't the right place for me. I also spent some of that time applying to Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle...but that is a WHOLLLLE other story, believe me. (I'd need a strong drink in my hand to tell you about that debacle!) Once I got into some of the core coursework for my major, it occurred to me that I was treating college like a hobby. I love anthropology, but I had no intention of being solely an anthropologist. My career path has ALWAYS pointed to dance, and studying anything else in college was just silly.

So I made the somewhat bold decision to drop out of the U of A and transfer somewhere else to get my BFA in Dance. After much research, I narrowed it down to four programs: New York University, The Boston Conservatory, Elon University, and Arizona State University. ASU was originally my last choice, because native Tucsonans like me are basically raised to hate Phoenix and ASU. But once I applied and went there to audition, I knew it was the right place for me. It's contemporary-based, and very kooky--just like me. I was accepted, moved to Tempe, and began classes in Fall 2008. I was basically starting as a freshman all over again, but I didn't care because I was finally doing what I wanted. Additionally, I discovered the vibrant theater scene in Phoenix and began getting involved in that.

In Spring 2009, I started getting sick. It began with chronic fatigue and snowballed into a severe depression that took me two years to get over, and one of those years was spent on medical withdrawal from school because I could no longer make it to classes. So that prolonged finishing my degree even more. I went back to school full time in Fall 2011, and was able to complete my senior capstone project with my class, even though I wasn't going to be graduating with them. (And let me tell you, watching them graduate without me was very difficult.)

So that brings us to where I am now. Seven years later, STILL IN SCHOOL.

I met with my advisor today, and discovered that next semester I will have to have 19 credits on my schedule to graduate in the Spring. Even if I could handle that course load, I wouldn't be able to get an overload approval because my GPA isn't high enough. So I guess I'll be graduating in December 2013 now instead of the Spring???? I don't fucking know.

Another thing standing in my way is performance credit. I am required to be cast in and perform in three pieces choreographed by either grad students, faculty, or seniors choreographing their capstone projects. I have only been cast in two qualifying pieces since I started at ASU, one of which I didn't get credit for because my health issues got in the way of filing necessary paperwork in time. I signed up to be considered for a couple of pieces this semester, but I couldn't dance in the actual audition because I had twisted my ankle in class earlier. But the choreographers I signed up for had seen me dance previously, so I thought maybe I had a chance. Well, I didn't get cast in anything. So how exactly am I supposed to get performance credit if no one casts me in their fucking pieces??! Not that I blame them. My technique isn't up to par because I was on medical withdrawal for so long, and my health problems also caused me to put on weight. I wouldn't cast me in a piece, either...after all, no one wants a chubby, mediocre dancer to perform their choreography.

The performance credit thing is just one of many roadblocks that won't stop popping up. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so tired of being in school. I'm 25 and STILL chipping away at a bachelor's degree, while most of my friends have graduated and have moved onto grad school or started their careers. In fact, I'm older than most of the fucking grad students here. And people look at me funny and ask, "Didn't you graduate already?" Um, no. I may have gotten my capstone project done, buuuut I'm still here. It's so embarrassing.

I feel like I'm NEVER EVER GOING TO GRADUATE. I really don't know what to do anymore......

Currently...

Loving: My new job. It's crazy and fast-paced, which is terrifying but thrilling. And it's exactly what I signed up for. I'm also loving that autumn, my favorite season, is tantalizingly near!! I can't wait to listen to my favorite autumn music (mostly a lot of Nickel Creek), for some cooler weather, for Halloween and Thanksgiving, and for all things pumpkin (especially pumpkin ale)!

Reading: I'm still plodding along in Julie & Julia...I just haven't felt much like reading lately, so it remains unfinished. I'm hoping I'll have more recreational reading time once I get used to my crazy school and work schedule. Additionally, I'm reading some interesting books for school. I'm taking a class in Religion and Popular Culture, and the book list for that is pretty great. Next week I have to read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, which I've actually already read but it was a loooong time ago. So I get to re-read it, which I don't mind...Dan Brown books are like literary candy. Om nom nom.

Watching: Morning Glory. I know I've written about this movie on here before...I freakin love it! Other things I've been watching include 28 Days (totally underrated Sandra Bullock flick), Easy A, and Best in Show. I was also thinking a lot about The Nightmare Before Christmas yesterday, so I definitely think that's due for a re-watch. It'll get me all excited for autumn, too!

Thinking about: Unfortunately the main thing I've been thinking about is something I don't feel comfortable sharing on here. Sorry! I've also been thinking a lot about how much I relate to Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas in terms of feeling overlooked, as well as her ability to see beneath the surface of things yet no one listens to her intuitions. I've also been thinking about how much I relate to the character of Amelie from the movie of the same name (which just happens to be my #1 favorite movie EVERRRR), in that we both tend to lose ourselves in helping people. And we also help others often at great personal expense. Sighhh.

Surprised by: My ability to catch on to my new job. The list of duties is long and complex, but I'm doing pretty well. A lot of my co-workers have commented on how they're surprised that I just started a couple weeks ago because I'm doing so well. Yay! :)

Making me sad: I realized that yesterday would have been my sister's 36th birthday had she not passed away in 1996. August 28th always happens to be a shitty day for me, and I think it's because I always have thoughts of her lingering in the back of my mind.

Making me happy: It actually feels pretty good to dance again. I didn't dance much all summer which I was kicking myself for, but I realize now that it was probably a good idea to step away from movement for a little while. Last semester, I was starting to hate dance. It just felt painful and bad to move in my modern and ballet classes, and that was very straining both physically and emotionally. But the time away must have done me some good, because I've been feeling pretty great in my modern class so far. I think a lot of that has to do with my amazing teacher, though! She rocks and her pedagogy just works really well with my body.

On Being Half-Way Through My Twenties...

I'm kind of having a meltdown over here.

My 25th birthday is on Monday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My Mom asked me the other day what was on my birthday list this year, and I honestly had no idea what I wanted. Except for one thing: the only thing I really want is to NOT be turning 25.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and therefore just feel like an epic failure. I'm STILL not done with school; I'm eight years into my fucking bachelor's degree and am actually older than most of the grad students. I don't have a job. I've applied everywhere, and no one, not even McDonald's, will call me back. I have absolutely zero financial independence. My parents pay all my bills, including a sky-high Visa bill which, no matter how hard I try, just will not go down. They just bought me a new car. I can't think of anyone more UNdeserving of a new car than me. I have no idea how to handle money. I don't know how to cook and can't keep my apartment clean. While friend after friend gets married, I remain single. I've put on like 20 pounds in the past year and can't lose it. I've crossed the threshold into being too fat to dance, because every time I do, it just hurts. I almost feel like I hate dancing now. I haven't choreographed a musical in two years and, despite the hiatus, still feel choreographically tapped out. This is unfortunate because I planned on making this my career, and have absolutely no idea what I would do instead. I've done absolutely nothing with my life, and I have no idea where I'm going anymore.

Cheers.

Countdown

So, a few weeks ago, I emailed Phoenix Theatre's production manager inquiring about choreographing for them next season. I initially got a response saying that no positions were available, but they will definitely keep my information on file. Not too shabby, especially considering I never expected to get a response!

THEN.

I got another response. It said that the Artistic Director, Michael Barnard, wants to meet with me!! What?! They said that while they are still unsure about positions available for next season, Michael Barnard likes to know who is out there for future reference. So of COURSE I responded back saying I was interested, and we have a meeting set for this upcoming Friday at 10:30 AM. I can't believe it! I'm so excited, and so nervous as well!

Additionally, I am auditioning for Phoenix Theatre this week, the day after my meeting with Michael Barnard. Hopefully meeting with him will make me less nervous? I hope so. I'm planning on singing "A Trip to the Library" from She Loves Me and "Maybe This Time" from Cabaret, then doing a monologue from Talk Radio. I almost have the monologue memorized, and need to go through my songs a few more times. Then prep all my audition materials--resume, headshot, music, etc. I also need to prepare a press packet to bring to my meeting with Michael Barnard.

AHH! Things are happening! Even if there aren't any choreography jobs available and/or I don't get cast in anything, at least I'm getting my foot in the door there. Not bad!